LadyFlyB

Vlogging it Baby

2011-11-02T18:36:00.000-07:00

Makin' a comeback with a (somewhat awkward and tad embarrassing) BANG. My first vlog.
Fancy right? V L O G
I'm fancy now.

Instead of thinking about writing all the time. About how great it would be if I kept up with my blog. About all the stuff I want to share. About how good it is for me and how much I get out of it. About how connected I feel.

Instead of spending another couple of months thinking about what my first blog back should be ( um seriously...) might as well just go for it.

This is where I am at.

It's a really really great place. Time to share:-)

Movie on 2011-11-02 at 16.jpg

New Norm

2011-09-09T10:51:00.000-07:00

I want to tell this story of my family. How we left what we knew for what we thought was possible. How we are committed to the mission of creating dreams and LIVING them. I want to share how it all unfolds.

However all I can really say right now is.....

HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!!!

I really don't have a clue where to start telling this story. Should I get right down to the dirt...

the fears, the missing home, the awkwardness of being "the new people", the toilet overflowing and coming pouring through the ceiling, Grace and I spending 5 hours in an emergency care center because she had strep throat the 2nd day she got here, Addy walking off the porch and into bushes because she thought they would hold her, Nola getting in trouble on a daily basis because that is just how she gets it all out, the basement flooding

The amazingly beautiful old house from the 1800's with a wrap around porch, the having to get used to a "huge" (for us) house, the small town where everyone smiles and waves to EVERYONE, the neighbors who baked us brownies, the beauty of having both the lake and the mountains surrounding us, the friendly coffee shop that already knows our regular, the teachers that went out of the way to welcome our girls, the new friends already made, the sweet teachers of a 2 year old program that we see every morning (bc she is also a crossing guard) that cannot wait to have Addy in her class...and she means it, getting real quality time with my kids, the excitement of decorating a house from the 1800s, reconnecting to Andy and myself.

Emotions are high.

We miss our norm.

Creating a new normal takes work. It takes commitment. It takes choosing happiness and making it our # 1 priority. It is THAT important.

Being scared shitless and staying open when all you (I) want to do is run and hide. Taking life on and being real.

These are my goals.

I want to record this time. I want to remind myself, in years to come, of what this feels like so that I can create more of it. Over and over and over again.

This is the good stuff.

Will upload pictures soon. Can't find the cordy thingy to download them from my camera.

A BIg Move

2011-07-31T11:43:00.000-07:00

So....I have been sitting in front of the computer staring for about 1/2 hour. I have started and stopped this post a couple of times. I wanted to make it cute, funny, interesting.....a good story. Thing is......I am just not finding the words. This is all that is on my mind and I need to put it out there. It just needs to be a clean cut, tell it like it is, moment.

We are moving. We have made the decision to move to upstate NY. It is a town about 30 minutes outside of Syracuse. We have been in love with this place for years. We visit all the time. We have talked to more than a dozen locals about what it is like to live there. We have read about it. Looked at a zillion websites. Spent more and more time there. Talked to more and more people there. We have done the research.

We still love it.....even more.

It is scary and big and SCARY but it is what our hearts are telling us to do.

We want to live somewhere beautiful, quiet, and open. That said, there is no way we could live in the hicks somewhere. This place is artsy, cultured, and homey. It has been a dream of mine since I was a kid. I actually found the town of my dreams!

We have doubted this. I mean seriously, a dream come true? This can't be for real!

But it is.

Uprooting our kids, living far from family, not knowing anyone, winters!......these are all legitimate concerns. Rest assured we have thought about, talked about, and prayed about them all.

The conclusion?

We, us and our kids, deserve a shot at this dream. NOW is the time.

Our financial...crap...gave us a jump start. It has been a blessing in disguise. We are turning a negative into a positive. We are taking control of our lives.

We feel empowered and inspired.

I know. I mean like in the heart of my heart.....the deepest part of me.....my soul.....that this is right.

So where do we stand in this moment?

This needs to happen fast. We want the girls to start school there next month. So...we need to rent our place and find a place there...ASAP. ( anyone that feels like manifesting this for us along with me, I would be ever so grateful:-)

I plan on blogging a lot more there. I am going to need to keep those close to me updated on it all:-)
So, thought I better start talking about it now. Get the whole story from the beginning.

I am excited for this journey.......life keeps getting bigger and better.

Dream Body

2011-07-29T05:26:00.000-07:00

My Step 2

The real Dream. This is how I want to feel.

I will read this everyday. EVERY single day. AND I will do it in the mirror. I will look at myself when I say these words. I will allow these words to permeate every cell in my body. I will love these words.

This is where I typically go astray. I disconnect from my heart. That is really what those last few pounds I hold onto are for me....a disconnection. I keep my heart at a distance. I choose to ignore it. To shush it.

So, I am committing to connecting. To keeping it intimate for myself. To not Glaze Over the truth of what I really want, deserve, and truly AM.

Here's the dream.........

I am in the best shape of my life! I am a bold, beautiful, ROCKIN 128 lbs. My new relationship with food is one of mutual respect and love. I eat delicious foods that taste fabulous with freedom and self control. I choose foods today that help me maintain my peaceful and beautiful high of feeling good. I love my sexy smoking hot bod! I wear it well:-) As I lift Addy Mei up, I get a glance at my toned soft arms and can feel my strength. I love wearing my cute little running shorts because I know how Andy can’t get enough of my feminine and shapely legs and I love how far they can take me today. I move from one activity to the next with energy and enthusiasm. I move and use what I got. Working out is one of my favorite parts of my daily routine YES!!. Today I like to sweat and challenge myself. It makes me feel beautiful and feeling things shift and tighten just never gets old. I am fabulously fit! I have the sculpted back I have always wanted. BUT my favorite part of my body is my abs. They are kick ass!!! I am the poster girl for post baby six pack and I own it. I rock my bikini and weather I am swimming, laying out, playing frisbee or sitting up on my blanket....I am at total ease with my body. The presence I feel in my own skin today is easy and like a huge awesome exhale....it’s natural. Walking around in sweats, bathing suit , bra and underwear, naked.....it is all natural and effortless. I feel pretty. My passion oozes through my radiant skin. My hair is growing so fast and shines in my hip funky do wether I spend time on it or air dry and throw it up. I am so damn cool:-) Which brings me to my wardrobe......I love wearing my clothes. They fit ME and are an extension of ME. I dress for myself, my personality, my creativity, and my body. I have fun getting dressed and expressing myself with what I wear. Dressing this size 4 body is a dream and I feel fabulous!!!!
My mind and heart are open to more than I could have imagined. This is what I have dreamed about. This is who I truly am. I AM FREE!!!!!!

If they can do this....C'mon!

2011-07-28T12:15:00.000-07:00

So.....I am on line at the grocery store the other day. I have all three girls with me. Grace is ahead of me looking at the redbox movies begging to rent Narnia for the 1000th time. Addy is taking over the store...pulling every pack of gum off the display, saying HI! to everyone that passes and REFUSING to sit in the cart. Nola is wanting so desperately to help me bag the food and actually being petty damn cute but insists of putting seltzer bottles in the same bag as the grapes and cereal...making it an awkward heavy bag with squished grape juice oozing out.

That said, I don't know how I even had a minute to look up but I indeed did look up. And there it was. The cover of what I think was People. On the cover were two women who were from the show The Biggest Loser. There they were. Standing tall in the their new bodies. Rocking it. They looked pretty damn amazing. Both of them had lost over a hundred pounds. THEY WERE IN BATHING SUITS FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!

I mean seriously, anyone who has ever felt or actually been over weight, you know that a bathing suit is not small potatoes. That is like the Mecca of weight loss.....to feel good and proud in a little suit for bathing. And here they were on a cover of a national magazine. WOW! That had to feel amazing.

My first thought was , "Holy Shit, that is a lot of weight to lose. Good for them."

My next thought was, "They were close to 300 pounds and now one of them is in a bikini. What the hell am I doing!!!!!?"

I have been wanting to lose 5-10 pounds for years! I am at a "normal" weight. I eat fabulously. I exercise regularly. I am fan-freaking-tastic at maintaining and not gaining.

I look healthy. I will not deny that. I may even go as far as to say I look pretty good.

But my dream body? ........nope, not it

I want to be able to wear a bikini.......and if offered the opportunity to do this on a national scale......I would respond with "Why the hell not?" or "Let me check my schedule ....Oh wait, I am shooting for Elle that day. Sorry!"....cause right now if someone told me that I would be in ANY sort of bikini photo, let's just say, the thought of it makes me want to hide or run like hell for the hills.

So, I stay in the this body that is......OK, passable, doable, alright.....when all I have yearned for is to feel fabulous, fantastic, bold, and beautiful. I want to rock every inch of me. Not to be on a cover of a magazine but to be free.

I want out of this game of "Oh if I could only lose the last few"

I am calling BULLSHIT

Here is the truth

I eat too much. Bottom line. I eat great to maintain but if I want to lose I need to cut a few things out and, by golly, I am a brat that wants what she wants when she wants it.
I am not talking major cut backs. I am a green juice junkie and vegan and all that jazz but there are some things I know I need to change and the willingness to change them has been lacking for sure.

Example...almond butter
need I say more?

In Kris Carr's book she says for people who don't want to lose while doing her cleanse they should eat more nuts and nut butters. FOR PEOPLE WHO DON"T WANT TO LOSE!!!! Not for the lady who is always talking about the same 5-10 lbs and pretending to be confused that they are not going anywhere.

Problem: If there is a jar of almond butter in my house I will consume it for every meal, snack, and drink if I could, until it is gone.
Solution: Don't buy almond butter.

So, brutal/thorough honesty here folks. No more blurry, wishy washy, glazed over the reality kinda sorta mess I have myself in. I am getting real and putting it out there.

I want to lose not 5-10....no, here's better......I want to lose 10. Yup, that's right. Now I said it. shit!
So .....I am going to tell you my weight. AAHHHHHH!! I don't tell my husband, mother, sisters, even my kids......I don't even like my doctor knowing.....but I need clarity and honesty. I have been hiding for too long.

Just OK is not good enough anymore. I want my dream. I deserve my dream.

And let's be serious, it is not really about the weight. I need to shed the mental lbs, the fear, the blocks to light. That is what this is about. Losing those last lbs just represents making more room to play big!

Here goes........YIKES

Right now I am 138. I want to be strong, fit, energetic, fabulous, enthusiastic, bold, beautiful 128!!!!!

Step one: no almond butter

I am going to blog about the rest of the steps I am taking. You keep me accountable. I need that.

When it is done...when the extra baggage I have been holding onto for way to long is gone......I will rock a bikini.........may even post a killer picture......MAYBE

Little Love Lady

2011-07-14T14:17:00.000-07:00

Today is July 14th. It is the day I was granted more than one miracle. My life and the life of my baby were saved by a whole series of events, amazing doctors, and most importantly....prayer. Even more significant, it is the day Adeline Mei was born.She is force to take notice of. A spirit that will change this world. And a soul that touches me on the deepest level.

I swear, before this kid was even conceived, she was fighting to get here. I was done having kids. I had no interest in getting pregnant. Then literally, in one moment, I changed my mind. I was overcome with the desire to have a baby. I had no fear of it not happening, despite my two lost pregnancies in the previous couple of years. I even said out loud to both my sister and Andy, who took some convincing, that this baby was coming no matter what......before I was even pregnant.

We had a scare during the pregnancy. I had blood levels that were high and there was a strong chance that something was not right. I needed tests. I needed to make decsions. I started to get scared. I started to doubt.

While home alone one afternoon I broke down. I cried. A lot. It brought me to my knees. I asked for help. I asked for acceptance. I asked to be given the strength to deal.

I was answered by an overwhelming sense that all was well. I felt like God was reminding me that we, God and I, were growing a baby together. No matter what, this baby needed to get here.

On the afternoon of July 14th, 5 weeks before she was due, Adeline Mei decided it was time to make her debut. She was a show stopper from day one.

What happened that day is rare, scary, big, terrifying, life changing, and so so beautiful.

We are both here and so very alive.

Today my little girl continues to play big. I have no doubt she is destined for continued greatness. I know she was and is needed here. If only to remind me to live.

Thank you Addy Mei.

Thank you for being such a love with all your freely given kisses and hugs. I love more because of you.
Thank you for being such a stinkin' brat and "know it all". I stand taller because of you.
Thank you for being such a fearless toughie. I am stronger and braver because of you.
Thank you for being such a whacky character. I find more joy in life today because of you.
Thank you for being here and being so determined to stay. I will forever be more present and determined to LIVE because of you.

Happy Birthday my little love lady xoxoxoxoxo

During......

2011-07-05T15:47:00.000-07:00

Yo yo yo...what up?

I always find myself here, writing on this blog, AFTER I have had some sort of shot in the ass of clarity or inspiration. I am thinking it may be cool to do some writing here DURING the saga that finally brings me back to my knees and finally open to receive the inspiration.
Thinking I may roll out of it a wee bit faster, no?

So...yeah....I have been down. Down and out in a funky and annoying as hell funk and feeling OH SO stuck in it all. I have been pissed, sad, scared, irritated, bratty, and...as much as I hate to use this word...depressed. That is what it is called when you a in a pretty consistent bad mood, have little to no motivation to do anything about it, complain all the time, could cry at the drop of a hat, and feel sorry for yourself because of it all. Right?

How the hell did I let it get this far before taking ACTION?

Well, I have some ideas as to why...

1- I have not been telling the truth about it. I fake a good mood like no body's business. I want everyone and their mother to think/believe that I am A-OK. Don't want your sympathy, pity, or suggestions. Plain and simple. I don't want to look bad. I am scared you will judge me.

Action being taken- Here is the truth. We are in danger of losing our house. We are applying for a re mod and if we don't get it.....we will need to leave. Big shit huh??!!
We are thinking about taking matters into our own hands and looking at this as an opportunity to make a change. We have talked about and dreamed about moving upstate forever. Maybe now is the time?
BIG decision. One we need to agree on fully and as of now...not so much.
So......we are at a stand still until the fall.
So, this has been weighing on my mind and messing with my head.
Now it is officially "out there" and I don't have to carry it......ahhhh!

2- I have been screwing up my job. I have felt overwhelmed and incompetent. Fear running rampant! Sound something like this......
What if I can't do it.....She is so much smarter than me....How could I mess up like this......What if they think I am an idiot.....This is hard......This is not for me.....I need to try harder....I will wake up earlier...I will go to bed later.....Exercise will need to wait....Meditation will need to wait......My kids will wait......I am a horrible mother....I am supposed to have all this together...I am such a crock of shit......I should quit......I suck.....I bet they regret giving me this job now......How could I have thought I was cut out for this.....They are totally going to fire me.....I hope they fire me......But I need this.....I am trying so hard and it is not working!!

How gross is that?!

Miss intenSati...Miss Affirmation....Miss think positive...Miss Believe.............
It all went out the window. By choice I mind you. It didn't fall out the window. I threw it.
Otherwise, I wouldn't have an excuse to feel sorry for myself and be overwhelmed and mess up and get out of stepping up.
Overwhelm and feeling sorry for myself are great ways of "getting out of" being great. It worked. I haven't been great.

Action being taken: First, confessing all this stuff and then choosing to take back the FAITH.
I work for a Life Coaching company. One that I am training with to become a coach myself. It is an opportunity of a life time. This is a dream coming true. But instead of accepting this as a true gift, I have been scared as hell and sabotaging it. In fear of not being as amazing as I dream to be and looking how I think it should look and sounding like I think I should sound........I lost why I am here in the first place.
I lost faith.
I have gotten so wrapped up in "trying so hard". I have forgotten how to let go, accept and have faith.
I forgot that the actions I take, need to be from a place of faith, trust, and LOVE and not from a place of fear and "TRYING to make it happen."

3- I have forgotten my whole gut driven dream.
I want to be a light. I want to be a light for my kids, my husband, all kids, my family, my community, young girls, women, moms......I want to shine really freakin bright. I want to use my "shit" and my light to help, encourage, inspire, uplift, ground, hold, carry......I want to create. I want to shine like hell and do it with you all.
I want to be used to spread love and make this world better.

Big dream.
I KNOW.

It scares me. That is why I dim the living fuck out of myself and stay in shadows. Cause I am chicken shit!

Action being taken:
Well, admitting it here is step one.
Next is bringing a conversation out of the shadows that I need to get honest about. And that is my relationship to G-d. God, the Universe, higher power, Buddha, High Priestess........I don't really care what it is called but it is the presence of this in my life that I have shied away from and that I KNOW I need most.
I don't share about it as honestly as I need to because I am so scared of being judged. What if someone thinks I am a Jesus freak or Holy Roller or something? GASP

The reason I am so scared of this particular judgement is because it is one I have made, many times, myself. Yep. I totally have made many a comment about the "Jesus Freaks."

I called them weird and even judged them morally. (That is SO me, BTW, to judge someone for being judgemental. ....... aren't I so funny?!)

The truth is I need this relationship with God. I NEED that connection for it all to make sense and for it all to be worth it. For me.
AND I need to be honest about and not save this conversation for my family or few chosen friends. It is too big a part of me and too tiring to keep quiet. I don't care what, if anything, you believe. I don't give a shit if you are an atheist. More power to you. (Don't know if you are reading this, my adorable atheist friend, but damn, I love your atheist ass!)
But if I am going to really learn how to be this light I talk about, I will need to be the real me. And the real me actually would like to use the word God now and then. There. I said it. Just keeping it real for me peeps. Fo shizzle.

So, in keeping it real, I plan....better yet, I PROMISE, to write at least once a week.
It is a start.

This felt good. Thanks for reading.
:-)

Back to Blogging

2011-06-07T10:44:00.000-07:00

So...I have no real clue what I want to be saying right now. I am lost for a specific topic and I am not very focused at all. I am actually, in this moment, feeling a little crappy. Physically, the whole family has gotten some sort of virus. But also mentally and spiritually and am a little blah. I have come up with a few possible reasons why but I am not totally clear yet.

What I do know is that I want to be writing. I want to be sharing. AND I want to do it here.
The reasons why are not even very clear to me at this moment. It could be because the more transparent I am the better I feel. When I let the story play out in my head for too long it can get cloudy and convoluted. It could be because this blog helped me heal a broken heart when I first started writing it and now I am hoping it can help that very same heart open up to what it needs the most.

I believe my heart needs to be wide open.

I have a strong.........(.not sure of the best word to use here).....desire, calling, intention, mission, order, inspiration, need......... to share it all....the good, the bad, the light and the dark. I want to dump it all out, sort through it, clean it up, and make room for the new.

I have often felt like I needed to know the answers and that I really should keep my mouth shut until I did. I am letting go of that impossible desire. I have not a freakin' clue. I'm just having a human experience and I don't want to waste it. May not always be pretty but pretty is so damn exhausting anyway.

I want real.

Why do this on a blog? Why so publicly?

I don't have a good answer.

I do know that my head can be a very dangerous place. I have not been very nice to myself for the majority of my life. I have lacked compassion for myself. I have also let myself be ruled by my own fears and ......more fears. I, very rarely, have given myself the kick in the ass I need. I am a really good dreamer. I am also really good and convincing myself and everyone around me why my dreams are impossible. So, I allow myself to complain and feel sorry for myself instead of just moving my ASS!!
I have a really good life. I know this.
I also know that there is a shit load more out there for me to do, see, accomplish, LIVE.
In comes the fear.....
I need this place for accountability.
I need you (even if this is just my parents and sisters reading) to be here. By just being here, you are helping me help myself give the loving and compassionate ass whoopin' I so need.

The other night I saw one of the funniest movies I have seen in a long time....maybe ever.
Bridesmaids. HYSTERICAL. Go see it.
They managed to fit funny, wacky, even gross humor along with some sweet touching real moments.
I keep thinking about one in particular. I don't know the exact words but something like, "YOU are your biggest problem and YOU are your only solution."

So here I am. Again. One foot in front of the other. Getting real. Getting honest.
Opening up and doing it with you.

So NOT Worth Putting it Off

2011-05-08T19:21:00.000-07:00

It is time for me to get clean again. Feels like I am needing to do this a lot lately.

Or maybe it is just getting clear how "unclean" I was for so long. How many times I would bury what I was feeling, run from it, hide from the truth, let it bottle up and then develop crazy resentments and convince myself it was totally rational or smart to give up, quit, and...let's not forget.....blame someone else.

Sounds like I am about to dump some crazy shit on all of you doesn't it?. If you are looking for something really juicy I may disappoint you. This is really for me. It is an opportunity for me to be honest, tell MY truth, and move past it.

I broke a promise on Friday. I had told my bosses that I would rate (on a scale of 1-10) my "space" twice a day. If was below an 8, I would call one of them to vent.

Well....on Friday my space was more like a 6, maybe even a 5 and....no call.

It started early. Andy and I ended up in a pretty decent argument before I even brought the girls to school. So, not only did I feel shitty about saying some nasty things to the man I love but, put on top of that, knowing my girls had to go to school with a knot in their stomachs because of what they just witnessed.

I was going to write out all the details here of why we got in the fight and even why I was in such a cranky ass spot to begin with. However, it doesn't really matter anymore.
Bottom line was I being controlling, judgmental, and such a total brat. Basically, things were not going my way and I was throwing yet another temper tantrum.

However, I was so caught up in this tornado I had single handily created that I was NOT seeing it very clearly. With every hour that went by I got more bitchy, more whiny, and made myself more and more comfortable sitting on my pity pot.

OK......so now back to that promise I was talking about......
I ignored it.
In the middle of the afternoon I had a brief thought of making the call followed by every excuse why I didn't really need to, why it would just be annoying for them to get and how I couldn't possibly bother such busy women with my petty crap.

So, I put it off.

By the end of the day, I was so swooped up in my temper tantrum tornado, that the call wasn't even on my radar.

Friday night, as I was sending in my hours for the week, I began an email to one of my bosses. I started to get honest about my "space". However, I was tired and still way too cranky to think straight. Plus I knew that once I sent it I was going to have to get even more honest and deal with writing about it for you all to see. Basically.....I just wanted to go to sleep and not deal. Whah Whah whine whine......obviously not ready to get out of the funk.
So, I hit save (so I thought) and went to bed.

What I did do before I went to bed though was pray. I say that because, for me, it is when the shift always begins.

I woke up the next morning a little less ready to attack BUT STILL cranky as hell. It didn't take long for Andy and I to go at it again.

Maybe it is that all the life coaching I am getting is beginning to stick, maybe I am growing up, maybe I am really ready and willing to be the person I want to be.....not sure BUT I listened to what he had to say.
It wasn't easy to hear. I have been a bit of an........asshole.
So I listened, I cried and apologized.
I was beginning to stop spinning and standing little straighter.

Then I was off to teach my intenSati class. The whole way there I was praying that nobody would show up. I couldn't possibly get in front of a room and teach in this state of mind. Nice right?
I had too much to do and was way too in my head.

BUT.....they did come and they were expecting a class that inspired them.

The shift continued.......

I got real. I got real about my space. That I had been an asshole to my husband, that I was wrapped up in a tantrum tornado AND that I wanted out!

As I led the class in a moving meditation to the serenity prayer, I slowly but surely began to let go.
Saying, hearing and embodying the words...

I accept what I cannot change
I have the courage to change what I can
And the wisdom to know the difference

.......When I got home I went to the computer to complete and send the email to my boss. I was ready to put it all out there.
Turns out when I thought I was hitting save the night before, I had hit send. HA!!!!
I had already gotten honest without knowing it.
My first reaction....OH SHIT!
My next.....thank G-d
It was followed with support and encouragement to stand in my truth and my commitment to myself.
Why had I put this off??????

This getting clean thing feels SO f'n good.

The tornado has stopped. I am still cleaning up some of the mess it made. BUT I am doing it.
Not giving up, quitting, or blaming someone else.

I was able to be present the rest of the weekend. And......Oh, what a fabulous weekend it was.

Getting out of my own head allowed me to be there to see, feel and embrace these moments.........

I am so so grateful!

Thanks for listening:-)

Own it Rock it Share it

2011-03-27T19:40:00.000-07:00

****I totally curse in this post....just sayin****

It has been a long ass time since I last wrote. I had a brief little rendezvous with the blog back in December for Grace's birthday and then......I went back under the radar. It has not been for the lack of material to write about. That is for sure. In fact, it is quite the opposite. Life is happening. It is getting bigger, wider, and full of all the meaty( eww, meaty is such a gross word...right up there with chunky) how about...... we just say the "good" stuff inside.

I got the goods:-)

I have been digging deeper than ever before. Looking at some...not so pretty...things about me. And dealing.

When I started this blog I was at a major turning point and I was feeling lost. When having my baby we both came way way too close to, let me be blunt, dying...losing our lives. (Still can't believe that this is part of my story.) I had no idea how to deal with this. I was up to my eyeballs in emotion, questions, and fear. I knew I had to get it out, vent, dump if you will....but then what. What the hell was I to do with all of it???!!!

I was stirred up. I needed something to do with all the crazy amounts of mental, emotional, spiritual, AND physical energy. It was like they were all playing ping pong inside of me. I was ready to pop!

I had been given a gift. I lived. My baby and I are walking miracles. NOW WHAT?

I wanted to bask in this glorious beacon of light called gratitude. I wanted to share my story. I felt like I had something pulsing inside me. I was being guided, moved, and felt like a power greater than me was ready and trying to USE me.

BUT instead.....I got quiet. I played small. I started shrinking into.....ordinary.

This is not new for me. I am really comfortable playing small. Going under the radar...not being noticed.

I stay where it is safe. I am terrified of failing, not being good enough, and most of all being judged.
I have recently, thanks to the help of my work with my life coach, come to grips with the fact that I have been a big fat quitter in my life. Anything that lit that fire in me, inspired me, got me feeling like the whole world was open and I could conquer it all........well.......I quit.

But here's the catch. It don't always physically quit. Meaning, you or anyone else looking in, would not necessarily know that I was throwing in the towel. For me, I am more of a mental, emotional, and spiritual quitter.

So, when I feel success getting close.....when I sense that I may be recognized for my beauty, light, talents, gifts......well then I slowly but surely begin to shut down.

I have done this in a very very sneaky ways. I am not even always conscious that I am doing this. My favorite, or maybe that is not the best word to use, more of my most common, "go to" to help me bail and run like hell.......FOOD. Oh, how I let FOOD play with me. It is my easiest and quickest out.

When I was in HS and started getting noticed by boys........I started gaining weight.
Then I got what I thought I wanted, a boyfriend, whoah!...too much.....I started starving myself.
When I was in college and it was time to graduate.......I started gaining weight.
While I was studying abroad in London and loving my European freedom......I ate then starved then ate again.
When I was acting while living in Los Angeles and starting to get positive feedback.......I started gaining weight.
When I was single and living the life I dreamed about in NYC......I obsessed with my food and body and therefore.......hid from this dream life.
When I fell in love and married an amazingly loving man......had my first baby.......adopted my little girl.....made a new friend......got a compliment for what I looked like.......or anything that made me feel really good.....close to greatness....near my purpose in this life.......I f'n run for cover under my plate!!!

(It needs to be said, I am not only partial to food as a way out. I will use other people...my kids in particular....anything to give me a way to hide.)

My life coach, put it perfectly....I have been fighting for mediocrity.

God forbid, I live an extraordinary life!

But why? This sounds absurd. I would talk about wanting all those goodies like awesome life, fab relationships, big $$, rockin career, killer bod......why the hell would I deny myself that??????

Two very simple reasons:
1- It is scary as hell....it takes putting yourself out THERE. Out "there", as in, in the big ole world people!!...I could be judged! GASP what is someone doesn't like me? ( add sarcastic awwww)
2- It is a lot of work. Extraordinary takes EFFORT......HA! .....and I have been just plain LAZY my friends.

I am over this.....BULL SHIT. What am I teaching my kids by playing small? I need to start using all that I got. For crying out loud.......I am alive!

It is time to live.
I am taking a big FUCKING BITE, pun totally intended, out of life!

I am still scared.
I still need to fight off laziness.
The miracle today is in the dreams.
Today my dreams are growing and shifting and getting really really fun and juicy.
Today, gosh darn it, I am beginning to feel limitless.

I am going for extraordinary.

I believe we are all destined for greatness. It is just waiting for us.
And here's the kicker....

WE ARE THE ONLY ONES IN OUR WAY!!

It is simple. Not always easy BUT so so simple.

Our greatness already lies within us. Our job is to uncover it. To ( Z finger snap BAM BAM BAM.)...work it!

This is my new motto....
OWN IT......work what you got, believe in it, step into YOUR own greatness
ROCK IT....no playing small, stand in your beauty and fabulousness
SHARE IT....let the world see YOU, your gifts, your talents, your uniqueness, who you are is needed in this world. YOU have something important to say and it needs to be heard!

So, my blog readers( aka my sisters and mom:-), I am back.

It is my time to own it, rock it, AND here ........is where I will share it.

To My Oldest Daughter

2010-12-11T19:47:00.000-08:00

It was eight years ago tonight that I sat, propped up, in a hospital bed. While your dad sat uncomfortably at the end of that bed and we just stared at each other. We were in utter shock. We were so young. We were so scared. And we were so so overwhelmed with the love we were feeling for this little girl that had just entered our lives.

A few hours earlier, the nurse announced,"It's a girl!" I started to scream, uncontrollably scream. I had not had a preference. I honestly believed I was happy either way, boy or girl. We spent the previous 9 months discussing the fun possibilities and with great anticipation imagined what our future would be like with either a son or daughter. Both fantasies were fun. One was not "better" than the other. BUT, when I heard those words,"It's a girl!"......it was like " Well OF COURSE! She is here, my daughter is finally here. The way it is supposed to be. Always has been, always will be." It just all made sense. My Grace.

Being the first kid isn't always easy. To be honest kid, we have no clue what we are doing and we are learning along with you. You have been present and all too aware of some...not so comfy cozy conversations, events, and situations. You listen and take it all in. Sometimes too much. That head of yours works in double time. I can actually see you thinking. You are very good at looking like you are unaware of the "grown up discussions" going on but I always know when I will need to explain something when we get home.

Your ability to take it all in also makes you what we call a thinker. This isn't always easy for a little kid. It has been hard for me to watch at times. I've wished I could teach you to be care free. I prayed for you to not care so much.

See, I told you I have no clue what I am doing with this parenting thing. I am learning as I go.

I am learning that your greatest struggle as a second grader is also growing into your greatest asset that you will carry into life from hear on in.

Not many get to see the silly side of you. You are this quirky, funny as hell, goof ball...... a goof ball that cares. You care deeply. You care so much you want to evoke change. You read, ask questions, listen, ask more questions ( many of which I have trouble answering). You make me think, make me ask my own questions. That, my dear little girl, inspires me. Thank you.

Your eight today. WOW. You are an incredible big sister, a fabulous friend, a loving granddaughter, a thoughtful cousin, an amazing niece, an fantastic student and the absolute best first child a mother could ask for.

You still make me feel like you did eight years ago, with a love that can overwhelm us. Like, no matter how nuts it gets out in the world or even how crazy it gets in this house, YOU make it make sense. You are my daughter. This is the way it is supposed to be. Always has been, always will be.

Happy Birthday baby girl!

Dear Body

2010-08-04T11:33:00.000-07:00

OK, so it is no secret now that I had a rocky relationship with my body for quite some time. I have posted about this a couple of times on this very blog.

I call it a relationship because it has all the qualities of one. It takes two parts. It takes work. Both parties need each other for it to work. It is a give and take. It requires acceptance of the other. We both can be there for each other and help each other to shine. If one of us is not fully in it, the other feels it.

This way of thinking was learned. I spent many years oblivious.

I was given an assignment by a life coach from the Handel Group about two years ago. She asked me to write a letter to my body.

This exercise changed the way I thought about my body, the way I spoke about my body and the way I treated my body.

I have decided to share my letter with the hopes that some of you may write one of your own.

I strongly believe in the power of loving the skin your in. It changes your life. It changed mine.

Here it is.........

Dear body,

We have had a long and rough road. I really did you wrong in so many ways. As a kid, I had no appreciation for you at all. In fact, I hated you with a passion. You were my enemy. I felt betrayed by you. You were supposed to be a part of me; I was told I should be grateful for you. But I thought there must have been a mistake. You could not be mine. I thought you were imprisoning me. I felt so trapped inside of you. So I rebelled against you. I did not care about you; I just wanted to change you to fit my idea of perfection.

I am writing to you now because I want to let go of the guilt for how I have treated you. I need to confess all that I did to you once and for all.

So here it goes……..

I fed you foods that were not good for you and I starved you when I felt like you were not cooperating with me.

I overate even when I was totally full and would keep going until you were in pain.

I put you down constantly. I hid you. I wished you were not mine and I never listened to you.

All of these behaviors continued through the years of childhood and into adulthood.

We lost all touch. I know you tried to pull me back in and give me clues that you were still on my side. I couldn’t listen; I did not want to listen. We became totally separate. I cut you off. It was like you were not even a part of me anymore. I just did not care where you were headed. If I could have physically removed myself from you, I would have. You were dead to me.

As I got older I developed new destructive behaviors. I binged and purged while you begged me to stop. I took laxatives and ignored the intense pain. I spent years not working out and wasting you or me over exercised and completely exhausted you. I did not allow you to enjoy yourself in any way. You were cut off and isolated from me. I smoked cigarettes, drank excessive amounts of diet soda and repeatedly put coffee and other drinks that made you sick into my body just to punish you.

Then, without my consent, I was forced to look at you. I was being taught to listen to you. It was so new to me and so not easy to handle. However, I tried to learn the best I could because I knew you were my last hope. I was never going to get away from you, not matter how much I disliked you, so I better learn to deal with you. It was a very slow process but I began to see MY side of the relationship. I was able to look at what I had done to you clearly. I felt shame, regret, and remorse.

How could I, my one and only body. I betrayed you.

I don’t know what to say except I am sorry. I am so sorry. You did not deserve to be cast aside and hurt so badly. I was young and I was sick. I could not see straight. I was lost and afraid and unable to give you the care you needed and deserved. I still can not believe that you stuck with me through it all. You even helped me in every way you knew how. You are selfless. You have kept me going, and I am amazed.

Thank you. Thank you for never giving up on me. Thank you for the strength and beauty that you give to me so freely. I am so grateful that we are now, finally, working together.

I promise to continue now, to nourish you, strengthen you, and return your love daily.

I am grateful for our partnership today.

I now am able to appreciate your many gifts and the love you give me. I will always be grateful to you for taking care of my babies and me through the bizarre and wonderful growth during pregnancy. You performed the impossible and I am in awe.

I have truly grown to love you. (I am as amazed about that as you might be.) I dreamed about this but didn’t really know if it was a possibility.

I see your beauty today and can’t believe it took me so long to recognize what was there the whole time. I sometimes may fall back into old behaviors and habits. I apologize. I am a work in progress and I promise to do better now that I know better.

I look forward to our future together. I have visions of keeping you more and more fit, of having you in the best shape you have ever been in before, getting better with age. I promise to do my part in keeping our partnership honest and loving.

We deserve happiness together. I know now that this is my responsibility.

With love and gratitude, Rebecca

Cigarettes to Yoga

2010-07-21T17:50:00.000-07:00

Riding my bike in flip flops at 9 o'clock at night may not have been the smartest idea but if may just be one of the purest and present moments I have had in awhile. It was a summer moment, bringing me back to being 12 years old.

I spent that summer on my bike. I got all over town that way. It was my first taste of freedom, not having to depend on my mom for a ride. It was an amazing summer of memories that still make me laugh. Like sneaking out of Peggy Meenan's basement during a sleepover. There were 4 of us. Being out alone, when it was dark out, when we were supposed to be in Peggy's basement sleeping........terrifying and exhilarating at the same time. We left the bikes at the house that night and walked our way to 7 Eleven. We bought a pack of cigarettes. Parliament Lights, I believe, or whatever it was that Peggy's sister smoked. That was the only name we knew. There was noage limit then. Peggy got them for her sister all the time. She was so confident about doing it....until she got up to the counter. We all had our first cigarette on our way home that night. They all decided I looked the best smoking or holding the cigarette because my nails were painted red. A compliment I held dearly I must add.

SOOOO not a healthy or mature memory but it is a damn fun and lasting one.

It was the feeling of freedom. It was the feeling of good friends, sisterhood. It was being in the present moment. Being aware of the smells, sounds, sites, people, and feelings. It was the lack of worry about the next day. That night was long. It felt like it would never end. The summer was long and it was ours.

I felt the same way last night. This time in a very healthy and mature, as well as, lasting and damn fun way.

My bike ride was on the way home from an outdoor yoga class with the MAMAs. We met in the back of the elementary school. It had cooled off a bit and we set up under the trees. It was a beautiful and serene setting. As an old friend of mine taught a challenging yet supportive and heart opening yoga class to a bunch of mothers committed to living their best lives, I was humbled.

I have enjoyed every minute of this challenge. From the moment of inspiration, to the planning, to seeing the women commit and then actually show up! I get goose bumps just thinking about it all. We, my sister Liz and I, have long term goals for the MAMAs. We have dreams, big ones. Dreams I truly believe can be a reality if we commit with our whole hearts. I am excited about all of it. I am feeling charged. This can, at times, lead to anxiety and an "overwhelmed" cop out for me. I am choosing, today, not to go there.

This summer challenge has become so much more. It is not just about getting fit physically, mentally, and spiritually. It has become, for me, about the feeling of good friends, sisterhood. It is about being in the present moment. Being aware of the smells, sounds, sites, people, and feelings. I am reminded I don't need to know where it is all leading. Today...tonight...this challenge............... this summer...... can be as long as we choose it to be.

This summer is ours.

I love it!

One Year

2010-07-14T18:42:00.000-07:00

A year ago today, at this time, my newborn baby girl lay alone. She was only hours old and I wasn't holding her. I don't even know if she had a name yet, I don't think so. It wasn't until the next day that I scribbled her name on a piece of paper for my family to read.

While little Lulu was being taken care of by the nurses and getting peek a boo visits from her dad and family, I was still in a strange place. A place I NEVER would have imagined myself being at 34 years old. I didn't know, maybe I was naive or maybe people just don't talk about it or maybe it really is that unlikely, but I really didn't believe that in this day in age a mother having her baby could go so wrong.

Andy and our family were being told at this time that it was touch and go. That, after losing seven out of my ten units of blood, my organs were shutting down. They had to continue transfusions and pray.

I was, of course, completely out for this. The last memory I have of July 14, 2009 was doctors flying around me, yelling, running.....leaving Andy in a bloody room alone as they whisked me into an operating room.....a nurse holding my head telling me they were going to do everything they could to take care of me and my baby......and all I wanted was to just go out, fall asleep.....I couldn't bear this scene anymore.

But....back to the prayers. I felt them. I don't know what went on while I was out but I do know, I mean without a doubt sure of know, that I was loved to life.

It is the same love that has carried me throughout this past year. I have to admit, it has been a strange year. I have been sort of out of it. In a fog a bit.

I wouldn't say it has been a bad year or a year I regret or want back. I was present for it. I remember it all. I enjoyed the majority of it and I am grateful for all of it. But there has still been this overlay of something I can't really put my finger on. It is like I have been waiting for something to happen. Like all of a sudden I was going to have an epiphany and know why my life was spared. I was going to be shown this major amazing unbelievable path that I was to follow to some fabulous and phenomenal quest in life.

I have been waiting, unconsciously waiting.

I didn't realize this until now. I noticed yesterday while I watched Marely and Me, holy sad movie, and I cried my eyes out. I realized that I have not cried a lot this past year. I had this major life altering traumatic experience. This, I would imagine, would make me so much more open and emotional. Instead, I have been guarded and.............scared.

When a friend of mine asked if I was feeling anything about the one year mark I replied with a quick, "NO, not really." Days later I was pretty much like, "Oh.......maybe I am."

I think I was kind of giving myself the year to be in this zone. I gave myself permission to lay low or be out of it....after all it hadn't even been a year yet.

Well.....here it is. A year.

I'm still ticking. I am still kicking. I am still living. And I am done waiting.

I am grateful for the love that has surrounded me and continues to lift me up. I pray to live my life in honor of that love. I pray to stay awake, present and open. Life is a gift.

My newborn baby girl made one hell of an entrance into this world. She is a blessing beyond belief. Today is her birthday. A day to celebrate! No more waiting. She deserves so much more than waiting.

Happy Birthday my little girl, thank YOU for the gift of life and the miracles you came here with.

The Grayish Area

2010-07-13T18:47:00.000-07:00

When I was pregnant with Eliza I had, what I thought was, "morning sickness" except for the fact that I felt it at night. It didn't last long. In fact, it was really only one night that it got bad. My parents were vacationing in Vegas and I had the nerve to interrupt this getaway with a phone call full of complaining, whining, and crying to my mom. I was in shock at how uncomfortable and crappy I felt. I wanted it to just go away. I haven't had the best track record of dealing with uncomfortable feelings. My history is full of attempts at getting someone or something to just make it better. To bring the "comfort" back when I am missing it.

My poor parents. Their first daughter, pregnant with their first grandchild, and the drama began. Poor Andy too. The guy had the look of, "Holy Shit! What the hell did we get ourselves into. I should of got her the watch!" (Long story, basically Andy and I got engaged VERY fast, after only four months of dating. It was Christmas time and he was planning on getting me a watch.But when him and my sister Liz got together and got all stupid giddy....he bought a ring instead!! Yup, there was not much thought put into it in the moment that profoundly changed my life, nice huh?......And today I am grateful for that giddy stupidity that brought me here)
Andy on the other hand wasn't so sure that night while I talked to my gambling parents. In an attempt to "fix" the situation in anyway he could, he ran to Carvel and got me.....a large cup of mint chocolate chip ice cream with chocolate sprinkles. Now, you need to understand. I had not had ice cream in probably 8 years at that point. I had become a strictly frozen yogurt kind of gal. But HOLY CRAP, when I took my first bite of Andy's medicine, all was right in my world again. My morning/night sickness was nothing when I was armed with my new fancy treat. What discomfort?? I was feeling nothing baby. I ate one of those almost every night for the next 9 months!

You see, my problems with food were never the food. It is always the guilt and shame and regret I felt after. I was pregnant. Isn't this what people did? It was this weird permission to eat all the things I had put in the "bad" category without and an ounce of remorse. It felt amazing. I enjoyed it. I was in shock that I did, after spending so many years doing the opposite, but I felt a new freedom. That is.....until after I gave birth to this 10 lb baby and was still feeling and looking like I had a 70 lb baby hanging out in there. I had been OBLIVIOUS to how much damage I was doing to my body. The absence of shame, guilt, regret and remorse-fabulous......the absence of reality and total numbing out while doing it-stupid.

Do a lot of women eat a little crazy and give into cravings while pregnant? Of course. That was my rationality for doing it. However, do these same woman all have a history of using food like it's a drug to escape? Do they gain 70+ pounds while doing it? No no no. But I did. The so called "freedom" from food was just a way for me to escape the tremendous fear I had of being a wife and a new mother and ALL the changes that were coming with it all.

It wasn't until Eliza was almost two years old that I really started to get honest about all of this.

I swore that if I ever had another baby I would do things different. I did. When I was prego with Lulu I ate really really well. I took care of my body and the baby inside it. BUT it was a rough pregnancy. What I thought was "morning/night sickness" with Eliza was nothing compared to what I had going on this time. Oh boy, is all I can say. Food became an energy source and that was it. I couldn't have "used" food for anything else if I wanted to. I was too sick. I did listen to cravings this time. I knew that, as crappy as I felt, if I actually wanted something, then I must need it. This was a whole new world for me.

Now, SOOOO not pregnant, but still dealing with food. I am not using it to run but I am still not totally listening to my body either. I am somewhere in the middle. This became clear tonight.

Tomorrow is Lulu's birthday. It has been one whole year since we were blessed with her life and the miracles she brought with her. It has brought a lot up for me........... unexpected I must add. I am feeling so so so many things. Good things, yes, but a lot of them. So many that I feel overwhelmed by it. I sort of want to go on a retreat or something and spend some time processing. But....not a possibility right now so I need to deal, right?

Well, tonight Andy is working late and I am on my own with the kids. It rained. The two older girls were tired from camp and feeling antsy to get moving. Lulu is teething and needy. I......was, and have been for a few days, feeling overwhelmed and a bit blah because of all the emotion coming up. I had NO clue what to make for dinner. Like really NO CLUE. Like my brain just wasn't going there.

So, we hopped in the car and kept driving and driving and finally........... we got ice cream for dinner ( frozen yogurt for me)! The girls almost fainted. Who was this woman they call their mother? Their smiles and excitement over Mommy's loss of her mind, was priceless. Worth it, for sure.

But.....tonight I am more aware of my limbo with food......still in the middle of the extremes. I am not feeling the guilt about it, which is freedom my friends, BUT I can also recognize the "using" of MY certain foods to not deal with the present moment.

I guess it is not such a bad place to be, the middle of extremes that is. More of a grayish area than so black or white.

That said, I believe I deserve even better than "not so bad". I want to feel the freedom and feel it in the present moment no matter how uncomfortable it makes me feel. That IS feeling alive, no? And I am here to feel it.

So, I continue on this journey. I do it with an open mind and heart.

More shall be revealed.

Kickoff Part One

2010-07-07T08:30:00.000-07:00

There are very few times in my life when I have known, without any doubts that where I am in that very moment is perfection. When I know for certain that my whole life led up to that moment and that this very moment is leading me somewhere bigger. That my path is clear for this moment and everything is aligned. Meeting my best friend in kindergarten, going to college, meeting my college roommate and lifelong friend, breaking up with a boyfriend, studying abroad in London, becoming a teacher, marrying Andy, each time I was blessed with one of my daughters coming into my life and each original road that led us to them, deciding to leave teaching to stay home, becoming an intenSati leader, starting this blog, and.........this Whole MAMA Challenge.

Yes, I am totally putting the Whole MAMA Challenge in this fabulous group. It feels THAT right.

Last night we had our first kickoff. (We are having a part 2 kickoff on Saturday morning due to the great number of MAMAs who want to participate and were unable to attend last night.)

We had a group of ready, willing, and able women. Women who showed up with an open heart and an open mind. There was an energy that was contagious. It was excited, a little scared, courageous, and supportive energy. There was an honesty. Women who were unsure, Did they really want to commit to this? Women who were sure they were ready and wanted to do what they could to hold the hands of the other women and take them on this journey. There was a definite togetherness.

Liz and I talked about this journey and what it means to us. We all talked about where we are now and where we want to be. We signed contracts to stay accountable. Then......we led them in an intenSati workout. It was INCREDIBLE!!! Most of these women were first timers and they brought it!!! Awesome.

(Although we are asking the MAMAs to commit to 30 min. a day for at least 5 days and intenSati is not a "requirement" I STRONGLY suggest that everyone takes advantage of the 3 free classes being offered every week. It is a workout that changes lives. It is exactly what inspired the challenge and what it is all about. Body, Mind, Spirit)

It just feel so damn right. I have been back and forth and side to side and all over the freakin place in the last year or so as to what am I "supposed" to be doing. I have had struggles and triumphs and everything in between. I wanted to share this. I wanted to use my experiences to give back what I have been given. BUT HOW??????

That is what is so amazing for me. I need this group of women just as much as anyone else there. Yes, I have been on this journey for quite some time. I have had the crazy joy that comes from creating positive change in my life. But these are my people. I am a mom. I am a mom who has a hard time finding time, who sometimes puts everyone else before her and builds some resentments because of it, I still get down on myself, and yada yada yada.

My point is......Today I am committed to staying on this path and I know that to do this I want to surround myself with a community of love and support. I believe that the MAMAs are where it is at. I believe, together, we can create positive change, not only for our self, but for our partners, children and whole community.

I am just throwing my pebble in the water and watching the ripple effect. It is already happening. More women are telling more women and together we are starting a revolution. There are MAMAs in New Jersey, Vermont, and Connecticut doing it with us too!! I feel so incredibly blessed to be a part of it.

Check us out on Facebook- The Whole MAMA

This Parenting Gig Is No Joke

2010-07-04T19:35:00.000-07:00

In one of Marianne Williamson's book she talks about advice she was given from a friend that changed the way she parented. It was to refrain from constantly telling children what they can't do. The constant "NO" we as parents hear ourselves say way too often. Instead tell them what they can do. Basically focusing on the things done right instead of the things done wrong, things they can do instead of the things they can't do.

I have been trying, when I think of it, when I remember,...... to stop and breathe for a moment before I open my mouth. I want to take this advice.So..... instead of telling Annie, "Stop! No! Don't try and pick Lulu up like that (your gonna drop her!!)" I am opting for, " Annie, how about we let Lulu crawl , she is practicing and getting so good at it,Watch!"

Does this always work? Not so much. But, it does make for a much more pleasant home, I can tell you that much.

Does this always satisfy my need to control?....Ummmm no, not really.

I am finding there is a fine line between my need to control and just being a good parent. Am I just doing my duty as a mother to direct my children because that is my job OR am I wanting them to do it MY way? Am I providing gentle guidance using knowledge I have derived from my own experiences OR am I taking on there "stuff" and not allowing them to learn from their own experiences? Am I allowing them to be who they are no matter how it makes me feel OR am I actually getting embarrassed by their actions like it is a reflection of me?

Tough questions. For me at least. That last one, getting embarrassed by my kids actions.......why???.

My oldest, Eliza, she is a shy kid. Really shy. Nervous too. She struggles with crowds and new people. When she is feeling her anxiety she shuts down a bit. She then gives off this aura of nose in the air, I am too cool for school. It is not really who she is, just the nerves, but is how she deals. She wants so badly to be a part of but excludes herself, has an inner battle and sort of becomes unapproachable because of what she gives off.

This kills me.

Seriously. I want to jump in and freakin fix it. I want to blink my eyes or twitch my nose or nod my head and make all her fears disappear. I want her to be able to relax into herself. I want her to let go and have fun. I want everyone to see her for who she really is.

She is amazing. She is one of the funniest people I have ever had the sheer pleasure of knowing. At home, and in her safe places, she can let go and get as fun and funky as anyone else. She shakes her little booty, laughs louder than loud and enjoys life. She knows how to be a fabulous daughter, sister, niece, granddaughter, and friend.

I am really proud of my kid. I love who she is.

Yet, I find myself continually cringing when in public and her little nose turns up in her uncomfortability. I suddenly feel the need to explain it away. I feel the desire to tell people, "This is not the real Eliza, she is so painfully shy, Please understand." I get embarrassed when adults, although they mean well, push themselves on my baby and basically try to pull her into the activity she is avoiding like the plague due to a crowd or strangers, and it turns ugly and into the dreaded tears.

We have been up, down, side to side and all around in dealing with this. We have tried being firm, gentle, on top of and totally backed off of. What I have found myself doing over and over again is telling my sweet girl what she "needs" to do. I have given lecture upon lecture on being yourself, confidence, being a warrior, staying true to yourself, being self assured and self esteem and courage and on and on. At seven and a half, I have already witnessed her eyes glazing over knowing the the only thing she is thinking anymore is, "Oh God, when is she going to be done so we can stop talking about this and have fun."

We have made the choice to accept our children for who they are. I just seem to forget I've made that choice sometimes and need reminders.......often.

Last night Eliza met and hung out with her best friend's really good friend. This "new girl" was older and very outgoing. Eliza took hours to warm up.....BUT she did warm up. Progress.

Waking up this morning I was very conscious not to harp on the hours it took Eliza to warm up last night. Or the way she avoided any eye contact with adults when saying good bye. Or the fact that when people were trying to encourage her to go have fun she turned her nose up and pretended not to care. Or, I could have gone to the "go to", "fall back" lecture on the difference between shy and rude. Oh, how we have beaten this one to death.

Regrettably......... this took restraint. I still wanted to give my two cents. I seriously had to almost sit on my hands not to go down that road. I start feeling like if she just understood the way I see it, she could change it. WTF???? Crazy but true at times.

BUT.....instead I told her how proud I was of her. How she walked through some fear. She had fun. She made a new friend. I told her I thought she may not be as shy as she has been made to think she is. Maybe she is growing up and out of shyness.

Hell yeah!!!!!!! this is progress my friends.

So, after I told her about my pride and how cool I think she is, she told me that her new friend actually asked her if she is shy. I was both nervous about how this may have made Eliza feel and impressed with this little girl's boldness to ask. With the attitude Eliza gives off she isn't always approachable. But Eliza answered her new friend and told her, yes. This new friend of hers, in a very little girl and innocent way, told my daughter that she too used to be shy too and now......she's not.

That simple.

This quick and simple conversation these two young girls had on the swings and under a night sky of fireworks, very well may have changed the way my daughter views many things now. This was profound in her seven and half year old world.

If I had let my "stuff" get in the way this morning or last night for that matter and started giving one of my lectures, I may have missed out on this new revelation Eliza had. This truly amazing and life changing moment would have been lost.

I think the advice Marianne Williamson had gotten and passed on is good advice. Why harp on what we are doing wrong? Especially when what we are all doing right is so much better.

So, tonight I will remind my girls, all of them, how much I love them for being exactly who they are. I will remind them they are perfect and shining lights in my life. I will tell them that they have all they can ever need and want inside of them already. I will kiss them and tell them how grateful I am that I get to watch them grow and become butterflies.

Then......

I will remind myself that I am perfect and shiny and butterflyish too. I am learning and growing just like I always have been. I am exactly where I need to be and all I need is within me now.

Wow, this parenting gig is no joke.

The Whole MAMA Challenge

2010-07-01T08:25:00.000-07:00

This is the letter I sent to all the moms in my neighborhood and the "plan" for it all follows.

We already have 10 confirmed participants!!!!

If anyone out there would like to join, not matter where you live, PLEASE DO!!!! We are starting a revolution my friends!

Hello there ladies!

I am writing you all to invite you to take part in a summer challenge. We are calling it The Whole MAMA Challenge. Whole meaning body, mind, and spirit. MAMA standing for Martin Ave. Moms Altogether.

We, as moms, know how hard it is to take the time to take care of yourself. We tend to put ourselves last on the list. We are too busy to workout, read, be still. It is way too easy to fall into bad habits and negative cycles.

I have heard and been a part of many conversations where moms are complaining about just that. We long for the time. We really long to feel good in our skin, to like our bodies.

In our personal experience, we have found that in order to really begin to build a healthy relationship with our bodies and feel good inside them, we need to work it on three levels Body, Mind, and Spirit.

When Liz and I were talking about wanting to take this summer to make some positive changes that would not only benefit us but our families as well, we were inspired to reach out and share this experience with all of you.

Just imagine what a town full of moms that felt they were not only peaceful, centered, and loving but were also totally rockin what they got! Bellmore will never be the same.

Attached you will find the details for the challenge. It is our hope that you will all jump in with two feet and be a part of a new supportive community.

We only had first grade emails. Please forward this to ANYONE that you think would be interested. It was designed for but certainly not exclusive to, Martin Ave. Moms.

Hope to see you all July 6th for the kickoff!!!!!

Please feel free to email us at www.wholemamachallenge@gmail.com with any questions.

Love
Rebecca Degeilh

Elizabeth Sendrowitz

The Whole MAMA Summer Challenge

Whole *Body, Mind and Spirit

MAMA*Martin Ave. Moms Altogether

Are you ready to make this the best summer ever? We, as women and as moms, are coming together to support, learn from, and lean on each other while we all work towards becoming the best version of ourselves body, mind, and spirit.

These will be our commitments in each of the areas:

Body- We will workout, getting our heart rate up, at least 5 days a week for at least 30 minutes.

This can be any workout you enjoy! However we are offering the following……..

There are going to be three FREE intenSati classes offered every week.

Monday- Patty Buhler’s Backyard 8pm

Tuesday- Liz Sendrowitz’s Backyard 7pm

Saturday- Rebecca Degeilh’s Backyard 9am

There will also be an opportunity to walk/jog/run everyday at Mepham track.

6am- A quiet peaceful way to start your day childlessJ

6pm-Bring the kids and we will put them all in the center of track with games and snacks!

Nutrition/Food/Diet-This is a big one that we are not going to attempt to set any sort of general rules for. Everyone’s body is different, and we all have different needs and goals. SO….. the only commitment we will all make together in the area is to drink at least 8 glasses of water everyday.

We are also asking each of you to come up with three individual promises you will commit to sticking with for the duration of the challenge. These should be challenging but doable and, of course, with your best health in mind.

Some suggestions:

Add more vegetables to lunch and dinner

Eat only 3 meals and one snack every day

Eliminate sugar

Eliminate white flour

Increase fiber and whole grains

*These are personal. For example, one of mine is going to let go of pizza and bagels( even low carb ones)!!*

Mind- We will commit to reading Marianne Williamson’s book The Return to Love. There will be one book club meeting half way through the challenge to discuss the book on Friday July 30^th.

The reading can be done at your own pace. The real commitment is keeping an open mind and heart.

Spirit-We will commit to meditating for at least 5 minutes a day for the duration of the challenge.

Meditation can be done in so many ways. You only need to commit to taking at least 5 minutes, with an intention for this to lengthen, of quiet time. It is just for you. It can be before you get out of bed in the morning. It can be a time of prayer. It can be closing your eyes and listening to a song that you find uplifting. You can do a guided meditation. We love Wayne Dyer’s Meditation for Manifestation. There are so many that can be downloaded right off itunes.

What we want to stress is the importance of taking the time to get quiet and breathe remembering that it is a practice. It is like going to the gym and working out. You don’t see all the physical results after going for only 3 days. It takes time. Little by little you see the changes. It is the same with meditation. Sticking with it will, without a doubt, produce positive change.

The Whole MAMA Challenge will have it’s kickoff on July 6^th at 7:30 pm at Martin Ave. School. We will be doing an intenSati class for all participants. We promise ANYONE can do this. It is for ALL levels. There is NO judgment. This is for fun ladies!

At the kickoff, we will have contracts to sign. Everyone will add there own nutrition promises to their own contract. Each person will also get a partner that they will send daily emails to letting them know they have stuck to their commitments. We are aiming for progress not perfection here. Let’s really be there for each other on this journey. Together we can shine.

There will also be periodic group emails and discussions online to uplift and cheer us all on.

The challenge ends August 28^th and we plan on going to Patricia Moreno's (creator of intenSati) class on Fire Island that morning and then spending a “Girls/MAMA’s” Day on the beach!! Sounds fun right?!

I plan on blogging about it all! I believe we are about to rock this town, seriously!

The New Challenge

2010-06-29T16:43:00.000-07:00

This past Sunday I was going into the city for an intenSati training. This was my first whole day away from the family since Lulu was born almost a year ago. MUCH NEEDED!!! Anyway, the day started with me running out the door and forgetting not only the book I was looking forward to reading on the train but I also forgot my phone. I felt a bit lost. However, after awhile I settled into the peace and quiet. I was able to let my mind go. This is not a common occurrence.

I had a thought that I got excited about. It was a moment of inspiration. Like I mentioned on here before, I was planning on taking on some new challenges this summer that have to do with body. The idea behind intenSati is Live the life you love in a body you love. I am sooooo for this. I have found in my journey and all its ups and downs, that when I feel good in my own skin I am 100% more present for the rest of my life. Notice I didn't say when I am thin, I said when I feel good in my own skin.

I have learned that for me feeling good in my body involves me working on three levels..Body, Mind and Spirit. Without exception, I need all three to be a priority.

On my train ride I had this vision of sharing this challenge with the other moms in my hood. I have been a part of so many conversations with so many women at so many different times that have to do with wanting to feel better about themselves.

It is way too common for moms to put themselves last. It is also way too common for moms to believe that after having kids all hope is lost. NOT TRUE!!!! We are still totally capable of rocking what we got ladies!!!

So, this moment of inspiration was followed by a day of the same. Any time spent with Patricia Moreno leaves me feeling like I could explode with passion for life. I left empowered.

I quickly started planning what I wanted this to look like.

When I shared this with my sister Liz, she was not only immediately on board, she wanted in big time. We got together and came up with some great stuff. At least we think so!

I am in the process of typing it all up. I will be posting the details as well as sending it out to the moms around here within the next couple of days.

What I can tell you is we are having a kickoff on July 6th. We will finish the challenge on August 24th with a day of fun. We will be working on all three levels, the whole mom~ body, mind, spirit. We are calling this The Whole MAMA Challenge. MAMA standing for Martin Ave. Moms Altogether.

******* This was designed for but not exclusive to Martin Ave. moms. If there is anyone out there that wants in, you are so very welcome.**********

I am beyond pumped. I believe we are onto something good. Every mother wants what is best for their child. What could be better than a mommy who is feeling freedom from anything holding them down and joyful about the life they are living.

Our children will be the ones who will benefit.

STAY TUNED FOR DETAILS.............................

I Did It!!

2010-06-26T17:47:00.000-07:00

Day 30

DAY THIRTY!!!!!!

I did it! I kept my commitment of writing every day for 30 days. I also kept my commitment to the AAHHH meditation. It has to be noted that for two of those days, my meditation was not 20 minutes. It was much shorter. BUT....I still did it.

I wanted this post to be something "special" to honor this achievement. Instead, I opted for straight forward, to the point, real deal where I am.

How do I feel about this? What did I get back from doing these two things? What benefits, if any, was there to sticking with it?

Some days were, for lack of a better word, annoying. I just wanted to go to bed OR I just wanted to sleep in, depending on which commitment and what time of the day it was. I couldn't think of what to write. The girls got up early. There is always something. BUT.....I did it anyway and damn it......it feels GOOD! REALLY really good. I am building that trust. Little by little I am believing myself, trusting myself. Next time I make a commitment or promise, even if it is not so public, I will have more faith in myself. I am working that muscle. It is getting stronger and stronger.

The meditation is sort of world rocking. I have a lot to say about it but I am not ready to yet. It is coming...promise.

That is the thing....I'm not done.

I am going to continue to blog. And often. Maybe not EVERY day but often enough to challenge myself. To do it not only when it comes easy but also when it may be uncomfortable and even scary. That is when I seem to find the growth in it. It is when I feel some sort of relief and energy mixed together. So......I will write more. And often.

Without a doubt, I will meditate......daily. It is life changing.

I am going to continue to work those trust muscles and I am taking on some new challenges in the next thirty days. I would love for some of you to join me. They are going to have to do with body. Not the painful self sabotaging search for the tabloid airbrushed bod but I'm talkin the feel good..no really good...in your own skin, feel strong, feel light, feel lean, feel completely energized, and rockin in and out of your clothes kind of bod. I will post details by Monday the latest.

And to all of you guys who encouraged me this last month.............Thank you for the love!!

P.S. I think it is kinda cool that today, on my 30th day of my 30 day challenge, I reached 30 followers. Pretty cool, don't ya think?

That Is It!

2010-06-25T18:21:00.000-07:00

Day 29

THAT IS IT!!!!!!!!!

I got something going on around here that needs to be changed. It used to work beautifully but it is now, I guess you could say, broken.

It is bedtime.

What used to take 10 minutes has now turned into a 90 minute production. Maybe it is the heat. Maybe it the fact that summer is here. Maybe they are over tired. I don't really know the cause. I just know I am not liking it one bit.

I pride myself on my patience. I have a lot of it. I used to teach kindergarten. It takes a lot to get me overwhelmed with kids. From the minute they wake up in the morning, I do my absolute best to speak to my children with respect and love. I am so not perfect but I am very aware and I try.

Bedtime...........all bets are off.

This is MY time baby. No joke.......don't mess with this mama after 8:30pm. It isn't pretty.

I am sure my craziness is NOT helping the situation.

With this being the last day of school, my hope is that we will have a new more relaxed routine. What I really hope, let's get honest here, is that they are exhausted every night from the sun and water that they just zonk out. But being that this was my plan tonight ( after a full day at the beach and then a swim in the pool) and it backfired, I am not so sure what I am in for. I mean, seriously, they are like running on empty right now!

So I send my wish out to the bedtime fairies or whatever............ We are in desperate need of a peaceful and happy nighttime. My kids need their last memory of their mother every night as they drift off to slumber to be something other than her ranting, yelling, or saying a thousand times...."THAT IS IT!!!"""

Goodnight, God Bless, I love you..................so much better.

2010-06-24T18:27:00.000-07:00

Day 28

To my daughter's birth mother,

Our little girl turns five today. It is a day to celebrate. But I can't do that without thinking our you.

I think of you often, very often, but not so much as today. The day our little girl was born. I know that today, without a shadow of a doubt, you are thinking of her too.

This day holds memories for you that I will never know. Five years ago today you gave birth to an angel. I can only imagine. I will never know why you made the choice you did. I will never know what you went through. I think about who may have been your support, if you even had any. I wonder if you held our baby. If you studied her face, fingers and toes. What did she look like then? What did she smell like? Was she held close? Did she know your love? Were you sure of you decision? Did you have doubts? Did you have a name for her? Does she look like you? Her birth father? Your parents?

I have so many questions for you. If only we could sit and talk.

I imagine you have as many, if not more, questions for me.

If I could tell you anything it would be that our baby girl is happy, really happy. As she turns five years old, she does it with a spunk and spirit that would make any mother proud. I like to think that you are fiery too. I would love if she gets this from you. Somehow this would assure me that you are living on strong. I like to imagine you laughing just like her.

As I write this, our daughter, has come by to check on me several times and given me hugs and kisses every time. She is full of love. It shines through her, all the time.

I know I will never be able to hear this from you yourself and that is frustrating. But I need to believe that you made your choice from a place of love. It had to be. You carried our little girl and gave her life. I am, and will forever be, tremendously grateful.

I vow to make every choice, for the rest of my life with our daughter, from that same place of love. I know, with unwavering faith, that she is exactly where she is supposed to be. I am her mommy. Every time I do her hair, brush her teeth, bring her to school, take care of her when she is sick, kiss her boo boos, say our prayers at night, sign her homework, watch her dance recitals, and all that is to come..........I will never take my time with her for granted. I know she is our blessing. You will always be a part of it all, there is no other way.

It is not always easy for me to think about you. It hurts too much. Your greatest lose is our greatest gift. What seems so unfair has brought our lives incredible joy.

I struggle with never wanting to forget you and pretending you didn't exist at the same time. She is so much our kid. She is our middle child. She is ours. She is my daughter.

But ..............

She is also yours.

Maybe I will some day be able to grasp this, wrap my head around it. Until then, I pray. I pray that you receive every blessing in your life that you desire.

I pray that today, on the day our baby was born, that you feel loved.

I love you.

Our little girl turns five today. It is something to celebrate.

Well Worth the Wait

2010-06-23T19:00:00.000-07:00

Day 27

Tomorrow, June 24th, is the day we have been waiting oh so long for. It is a very important day. We have been waiting since.........last June 25th. We have talked about this, I 'd say, close to everyday. It has made for some great lessons in patience and time. It is a day worth waiting for, a day to truly celebrate.

Tomorrow, June 24th, is Annie's 5th birthday!!!!

It is her day. A day to shine. I am going to do everything in my power to make sure she feels like a queen tomorrow. Shouldn't everybody feel like the star in their own show on their birthday, at least in their own home? It is a big deal. It is the day she entered this world and a day I want to be able to scream from the rooftops that my daughter is here. She is here to shine.

My goal is for her to go to bed tomorrow night with a big huge five year old smile on her face. I want her to have a ton of fun and most of all I want her to feel, in her core, that her being born is a cause for celebration.

I am off to prepare!

Allergic

2010-06-22T19:21:00.000-07:00

You all had to bear the brunt of my long day yesterday. You listened to me bitch a bit and for that I am grateful. I have to admit I almost did the same today. I have been avoiding writing because I didn't know where to begin. Nothing awful is going on. Things are good. Bottom line....I am feeling sorry for myself.

(Like my brother in law would say. "Somebody needs to call the WHHAAAMbulance." -bad joke, even worse when he, or my husband, says it when you are in the middle of a good complaint...really pisses you off)

OOOHHHH what a crappy place for me to be in. Leads me nowhere good. BAD news.

I realized this while I was stalling writing this post and was watching a rerun of New Jersey Housewives. (yes I really do watch this show ALL the time.....they crack me up!) Caroline's son Albie was kicked out of law school and pretty much feeling sorry for himself. I did feel for the poor guy. He, most defiantly, needs to go through his process. But, this is a show and it moves fast, no time for a process. We viewers need instant outcome. Sooooooooo as I watched I wanted to grab his face and tell him stand up straight. C'mon man! Stop whining and move on!!

Well.....I heard my own thoughts and listened.

This role of the victim is dangerous road for me to go down. It can only lead to guilt, regret, remorse, and resentment. These are no longer welcome here.

I have a good friend who told me she is allergic to being the victim. The minute she feels the ugly cloth of victim begin to cover her she immediately pulls it off and takes responsibility. She said even if she is in the car and someone cuts her off, if she begins playing the victim.......it is a dead end. Instead, she looks for her part in the situation, even if it is just the fact that she got angry.

At first I thought, " Oh, that's nice, good for you. But I don't really play that victim role. In fact, I get so irritated when people do that."

However, her words had really had a huge impact on me. Allergic was such a good way of putting it. I started to pay attention to when I heard myself complain. I began to feel myself feeling sorry for myself or blaming something or someone else for things that I totally had a role in. I saw how I play this role more often than I cared to admit.

I am so tired
I have no time.
I have to get up so early.
The kids need sleep and are cranky.
My house is so small.
I have so much to clean.
I have to cook again.
It is so hot.
It is so cold.
It is so.......whatever. (Seriously)
BLAH BLAH BLAH
IT IS SOOOOOOOO OLD!!!!!

When I become the victim it is like I am throwing my hands up and giving up. I am giving myself some sort of permission to feel sorry for myself, and stay stuck in it. Then I don't need to step up and take responsibility. Then I can continue to complain and blame everything around me for it. Then I don't have to take risks....I don't have to live this, sometimes scary, life.

In intenSati we talk a lot about being a warrior. Someone who stands up for their own truth. It is actually being vulnerable, staying strong and true to yourself. Heart is open to receive.Being a warrior is being alive. Walking through some of the fear and being totally present for all of the joys.

We make a choice each day to be a warrior or a whiner.

I am trying to teach this lesson to my kids. Part of the reason I was feeling like I was early tonight was because I am a little lost as to how to deal with an issue with Eliza. It feels so much bigger than me. In all my thinking, it started to take on a life of it's own. Who to talk to, where to go with it, and how to handle it........still not sure. But today I chose warrior. I am refusing to whine.

I mean that.

It became very clear to me that Eliza will best learn to be a warrior vs. a whiner by watching her mother do the same. It is time for me to trust my gut. It is time to strongly stand up in my truth and move forward.

My, very wise, mother in law used to say ........Change a thought, move a muscle.

I am moving now.

I am allergic to playing the victim.

Done People

2010-06-21T20:19:00.000-07:00

Okay my bloggy friends, I am just gonna give it to ya straight tonight. I am not holding back...I call it like I see it.

It is 11:05, about 4 hours past since I started hearing my bed calling me. I have spent the last 3 hours putting together my cover letter and resume. I am actually sending it to a school. I am just as shocked as many of you may be. I am just going with it and seeing where it all leads. It feels right at the moment. So.....we'll see.

It has been a long day. Just one of those days. I spent the first half running. Making breakfast, getting dressed, getting to school, getting gifts for teachers, making copies for a friend, feeding and changing baby, doing laundry, doing dishes.....all being done at warp speed so I could make it to a yoga class. Ended up in a ton of traffic and missed the class! There will be others.

The second half of my day was spent organizing my 7 year off from teaching brain to try and get a cover letter and resume together. SSSOOOOO not easy. Throw in some more dishes, more laundry, some snack making, and some baby feeding. Then I brought Eliza to her last Daisy (Girl Scout) trip. It was an adorable trip but Eliza wasn't on board. She basically was miserable. I am going to save that story for another day. Let's just say if I drank the hard stuff.......I would have downed a bottle after that excursion.

The last part was shoving dinner down my throat, getting girls off to bed and then going to my parents to type the "teacher" stuff. Long story. Our computer falls a little short at times. I'm dealing. I am also manifesting the hell out of a new Mac laptop...............it is on it's way....................AAHHHHHH

I am done. Done done done.

I need some sleep.

And that is all I can write tonight.

The end.

My Dad

2010-06-20T19:54:00.000-07:00

Day 24

How do I even attempt to talk about my dad? Not easy but I am going to give it a whirl..............

My dad.

He is 6'5", has very little hair, and the kindest eyes I have ever seen.

My dad is a funny man. He tells a good story and even better joke. What makes his jokes so great is the laughing he does while telling it. It is contagious. Sometimes he can barely get the joke out because he is laughing so hard.

He thinks he is funnier than anyone else. He gets a real kick out of himself. Which, I have to say, makes me laugh more than the jokes.

My dad is a warm man. People are drawn to his sincere ability to be honest. He is who he is...what you see is what you get. He says what he means, you don't have to do any guessing. I believe we all need more of that.
People are always calling my dad for support and words of wisdom. I use to get annoyed or frustrated by this when I was younger. I wanted him all to myself. Now, I see how wise he really is. I admire his willingness to be of service and am learning by his example. Plus, he is my dad......always.

My father is a one of a kind. He has been called the ideal dad. I have had many people, friends, that haven't been as fortunate as me in this department, tell me that when they wished for a dad.....they wished he would be just like mine. The thing is, it's for real. He really is that great. Always has been.

Growing up he was the young cool dad. As a parent now myself, I am amazed how he was able to pull off young cool dad and still demand complete respect without ever having to ask for it. It was just unspoken. Because of who he was, his presence, all my friends.....all kids......all people in general.....respected my father.

I always had an.earlier curfew than my friends. I has a lot less freedom and a lot more "family time" than most of my friends. I always thought my friends would jump on my band wagon and roll their eyes about my parents "ridiculous" rules. I, for one, thought they were over protective and stifling for that matter. But my friends would ,not only pass on the bad mouthing of my dad, they would defend him and tell me how lucky I was too have him.

To be honest, I don't know what I would have done if they did roll their eyes or bad mouth either of my parents. I was just being a bratty kid. I knew I was lucky. I knew I had it good, really good.

Most of all.....I knew I was loved.

Growing up our family had our share of......shit. Don't we all? It is part of growing up. When I look back, what I remember most about my dad, above all else......even through all the not so fun stuff, is that with my dad I always felt safe, comforted, secure, and I always felt loved.

My dad has a tremendous faith. The kind of faith that seriously can move mountains.

I've seen it happen.

That is probably my biggest blessing that he has passed down to me.....his relationship with God. It has given me the freedom to make that journey on my own and always know I had a place to come home to when I needed it.

Watching my dad become a grandfather, who is now called Pappy, has been a gift. Seeing him make my girls laugh, talk about his faith, get down and play on the floor with them, make them laugh some more, and what really gets me....has made me secretly (and not so secretly at times) cry ...is when I see him hold them. I know that when my girls are in his arms they are feeling exactly what I did as a kid, what I can still feel today when I am in one of his big hugs, that all is well. That they are perfectly perfect in that very moment. That nothing can hurt them.

That they, above all else, are loved.

I love my dad.

I feel so incredibly fortunate, blessed and grateful he is my dad and my girls Pappy.

Happy Father's Day!!

Happy Father's Day

2010-06-19T18:27:00.000-07:00

Day 23

This guy I am in love with happens to be a truly phenomenal father. I have been trying to come up with the words to express how I feel about him as a dad. He continually amazes me with his daddy skills and the love he gives his girls.

Instead I decided to look for pictures of him with each of our daughters that would show what I wanted to say. I found some that I can really see, just by looking at his face, how much he adores his kids and how they each love him back.

Happy Father's Day!!!

A Week Of Gratitude

2010-06-18T04:33:00.000-07:00

Day 22

It's Friday once again. Time for me to reflect on this past week with gratitude........

1. Writing this in the morning. I usually am posting late at night. Today I have the opportunity to get it done early. Getting myself focused on gratitude in the beginning of the day is setting me up to enjoy it all.
2. Andy has had work all week. It was with his old boss which meant back to old hours. We had gotten used to him leaving later for work. It had provided me with the time to workout and meditate with complete ease in the morning before he even needed to get out of bed. This week, however, he left at the crack of dawn and my meditation had to be done with one ear open and workout has been cut a little short all week. Bummer..yes, of course, but ANDY HAD WORK! It is a blessing.
3. Our new pediatrician. This is the third, no fourth, one we are going to since Eliza was born. We have been trying to find that balance of kindness, knowledge we could have faith in, calmness, holistic vs. medication.......I think we have found it. He is awesome.
4. My commitment to the Wayne Dyer meditation for manifestation. It works. I feel more connected to something lighter. The manifesting works. It almost scares me ( something I need to work on, surprises me really....don't know why it scares me). Things are happening. I will be sharing more in the next few days.
5. All of you who leave comments on this blog. Each time, after I write, I start feeling some stuff. I feel naked or exposed, of wanting to take it all back and not post it because I start to think who is really reading it anyway. This is also mixed with a complete freedom and release that totally fills me with energy. When I get those comments I feel more connected. It is almost like after reading your thoughts the post becomes more solid. Like it has a stronger foundation to now sit upon. Make sense? Anyway, thank you.
6. Little Miss Lulu is a strong little bugger. We just found out yesterday that this kid has a double ear infection. She has not stopped smiling and makes us laugh. Even when in pain, our sweetie is still just pure love.
7. Annie's pre-school graduation. A big milestone. One I could have completely sobbed through. Too much to write now but I am so grateful to the school and teachers for taking such amazing care of my baby and preparing her for her school career that lies ahead.
8. The opportunity to be there and support my friends and family through their stuff. Learning how to be present and open. Not being stuck in my own shit but available to be of service. It is a gift to have the opportunity to be a friend, sister and I am grateful.
9. The SUN!!!!!!!!!! It has been unreal....beautiful......LOVE IT!!!!! Today may even be a beach day!
10. New possibilities! More is opening up for us.....more will be revealed......I am praying for the willingness to stay open. I am excited for what is in front of us. I am learning it may, once again, look a little different than I expected and that it is not only okay, but it may...just possibly....be even better!

Have a fabulous weekend!!

All is Well.....Enjoy

2010-06-17T18:59:00.000-07:00

Day 21

Got to be honest. Didn't want to write tonight. Was very close to saying, "Screw it!"

BUT........

Here I am.

I can be a heavy little thing. I take it all soooo serious. I have been know to take myself way too seriously. I sometimes complicate and worry. What does it mean? Am I doing "it" right? What if....?

I sort of went there today. About more than one thing too. It was like everything became bigger, more serious and more challenging in the last 12 hours. I started taking it all on. Trying to figure out my whole life as well as everyone else I care about. I was taking care of business.......all in my head.

Exhausting and so freakin annoying.

Moving on, MOVING ON........ .

I want more of this...........

Joy and freedom.

I can honestly say, without any hesitation, that I do have the opportunity and the privilege of feeling these two things on a daily basis....... if I want to. Sometimes it is for a brief minute and other times I am blessed to have it last. It is completely up to me.

Two of my favorite prayers are "All is well" and "Enjoy".

My focus...my attention....my intention is to live with more and more joy and freedom.

AAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Kids at Night

2010-06-16T18:05:00.000-07:00

Day 21

What is it with sleeping kids?

I have heard a million parents say it.

It doesn't matter how nuts they have made you during the day. You easily forget the whining, sibling arguing, pulling at your arms and legs, the zillion and one questions about the same things over and over again, the even louder whining, the waking you up at the ass crack of dawn, driving them all over the town three times and back again, the fact that your "me" time was a wash due to no nap or school functions. (The list goes on and can vary day to day.)

When you walk into their room at night and see those little scutches sleeping.......I melt. I totally and completely melt. My babies....they are babies. Babies that are growing at a waaaayyyy too fast pace. I want to climb in bed with them. I want to hold them. I want to let them know that no matter what happens I will always love them. Even when they are driving me nuts. They are lovable all the time...no matter what.

I want to go back in time.

If I could only go back and remember them sleeping this way.

Tomorrow I will......I will remember.

A Song in Tribute

2010-06-15T19:05:00.000-07:00

Day 20

One of the reasons I started this blog was so that I could write down and remember those moments with my kids that I NEVER want to forget. I had one of those yesterday.

Okay, quick funny story......

After I had gotten off the phone with my friend who shared her very crappy news ( see yesterday's post) my girls, who had been listening with one ear as they played, had a lot of questions. They knew it was serious and they knew it was sad. They wanted to know what was going on.

I don't blame them. I can remember feeling the same way when my mother was on the phone. Trying to figure out who it was on the other line and what the hell was going on.

Anyway, I began trying to explain the best I could a subject matter that is hard for me to understand myself. Eliza and I have talked about this before. She "got it" and had her moment with it and then moved on. Annie on the other hand was very concerned. So, while I was folding laundry and putting Lulu's clothes away, Annie and I talked.

She has really grown up in the last 6 months or so. All this new awareness....I could see her trying to take it all in. It is a lot to take in.

She would ask a question.....I would answer the best I could.....She would look at the floor thinking about it.... then ask another question.

My answers had a lot to do with God. How else do I begin to explain this situation? So I talked about God knowing what is best for my friend. God taking care of all of us all the time. God having it all worked out so we don't have to worry.

She listened to every answer and really thought about each one.

Then it got really quiet. She was thinking....hard. I decided to let her think. Not to interrupt but let her have her moment.

All of a sudden the silence was broken.....Annie began to sing. She was staring at the floor, as serious as ever, almost prayer like, and she was singing her heart out.

Here's the kicker.......this is what I hear......"God Bless America, Land that I love.............." The whole damn thing...she sang the whole song!

It was like she was singing it for my friend. It was a tribute.

First of all, I had no idea she knew all the words. Second of all, Oh My God!!!

I had my head in the closet. My shoulders were shaking from laughter. I was so nervous I would embarrass or offend her by finding it funny. She was totally in a zone.

I finally got myself together and turned around. As soon as her eyes met mine, I smiled and it was like she woke up. She looked at me like, "What the hell am I doing?" and she started to giggle.

So did I. We called Eliza in and she thought it was pretty hysterical too. That is something I really love about my kids. Their sense of humor and the ability to take it lightly when appropriate.

We laughed for a long time and we laughed really hard.

I never want to forget any of it. The concern, the deep thought, or the song of tribute.

Most of all.....I want to hold on to all the giggles.

Why

2010-06-14T18:51:00.000-07:00

Day 19

Figuring out the "why" crappy things happen can leave you feeling lost, unsure, and desperate for answers. Most of the time, there are no answers. If there are, they are beyond us and our understanding. Sometimes we may see a glimpse of the "why" when things take a new turn. We then look back and realize that the very crappy thing that had us feeling so confused is the very same reason why we have such beauty in our lives today.

I recieved some crappy news today. One of my dearest friends lost a pregnancy. It doesn't matter how far along she was. It doesn't matter how long it took her to get pregnant. It doesn't matter if this is her first or fourth.

It sucks.

My heart is breaking for her. I wish she wasn't so damn far away so I could be with her. Don't know what I could do but I would want to just sit with her. I would make tea or some lunch. She could put on her comfiest sweats and curl up on the couch. I could hang with her or just set her up in comfort to be alone. I would do anything and everything I could to make sure she had the freedom to fall apart. To sob if she needed to. To throw things if she needed to. To yell, to cry, to rest......whatever she needed.

I know she has people in her life that are close to her and are doing these things for my friend.

But, honestly, I wish it was me......for selfish reasons I guess.

I know the pain she is feeling. I had two lost pregnancies.

It sucked.

When going through this experience you hear a lot from other people about how common it is. You are told stories about other people's friends or family members who went through it. Again, you are told how common it is. I do believe all of these people have the best of intentions and they mean well. Maybe it is common and it is always good to know you are not alone but when it is you going through it......it just hurts. plain and simple.

For me, the instant I found out I was pregnant, every time, life shifted. Everything was different. The future took on a whole new meaning. A new life was here and we started planning accordingly. That little life became a part of me immediately. No matter what I was told, no matter how hard I tried to not get attached, no matter what......I was powerless to the love that started to grow within me.

Even knowing what I know now, I would not change that.

When I was in the midst of mourning my loss I became concerned with the "why". Did I do something wrong? Could I have prevented this? Am I not meant to have more kids? What does it mean? Why????

Acceptance is always the answer for me. It is where I find my peace. It is the starting point from where I can move on. Before I get there I usually go through a whole mess of emotions. Shock, sadness, confusion, denial, anger....in no particular order. When I finally reach a point where I end up on my knees, admitting I don't know what to do....it is then that I begin the process of acceptance. It is a process. Sometimes taking longer than others and every minute of it is useful and purposeful. I find it better not to avoid any of it, no matter how uncomfortable because it only slows down the process. I have learned this through my own experience in doing so. It is a lesson I have relearned over and over again. A little more sinks in each time. It is progress.

When it comes to our story of our lost pregnancies , the "why" is very clear.

I always knew I wanted to adopt. I was sure of it. The timing it was going to happen was not as clear. For some reason I always assumed it would be later on in life. Maybe after we had a few biological children. The reason for this? I have no idea. My reasoning makes no sense to me now. It was just what I imagined.

After we lost the second pregnancy I was devestated. Due to the circumstances in which it happened, I was told I could not try to get pregnant for at least one year or it could be dangerous. I began to think that maybe it was time to consider adoption as a real possibility now. Less than a year later we had our paperwork in and a year after that our Annie was home. My little girl, Annie, is no doubt our daughter.

The timing of it all was perfect. Absolutely perfect. There is my "why".

I am in no way suggesting that everyone who miscarries is meant to adopt. (although it would be amazing)

What I do believe is that the "why" is not always revealed when we want it to be. There is a process. One that we need to go through. It is not always comfortable but it is always leading us somewhere.

I still wish I could give my friend some answers. Maybe it would lessen the pain. Maybe it could make her more comfortable. But this is all part of her story now. Her journey is her own. Together with her husband they will come to the other side of this all in perfect timing.

Thankful For Index Card Quotes

2010-06-13T17:53:00.000-07:00

Day 18

This morning I opened my bathroom cabinet and found an index card with a quote on it. I made a bunch of these two years ago after I did my intenSati leader training. I didn't want to forget all the amazing lessons I had learned. I wanted to surround myself with Sati. I wanted it to sink into every cell of my body. I thought by reading these over and over again.... I could become it.

I put these cards all over the place. The fridge, the car, my bag, mirrors, kitchen and bathroom cabinets,etc........

The one I found this morning was something I remember Patricia Moreno saying at training. It floored me. Still does.

"Your life is a reflection of your beliefs."

When I first heard it I immediately scanned all the things about my life that I was less than thrilled about. Did I believe that this was because of my own beliefs??? I, because this was just me at the time, went straight to my weight. Could I buy into the idea that not being able to loose those last 10 lbs had something to do with what I believed about myself??
Or was it just that my body was leveling off at a weight it was comfortable in?
Or that I am big boned?
Or that having a flat belly has everything to do with genetics?
Or that after having a baby you just could never be an ideal weight again?
Or that every nutritionist I have ever been to didn't know what they were doing so I just had to do my own thing?
Or that I already ate so healthy and worked out so what more could I do?
Or that I don't have the time to work out more?
Or I don't have the time to prepare my meals with being a mom?
Or that my body was as good as it could ever get?
Or that if I had the luxury of a personal trainer and chef, like all the celebs, I would be able to loose the last 10lbs too?

Wait a second........this is what I was thinking all the time

A belief is just a practiced thought.

What I had been thinking over and over again about myself and my weight had become a belief. This belief became a knowing. It then became my reality.

Holy crap! Maybe this was true.

I needed to change my thinking. I needed to change the thoughts I was practicing day in and day out. I NEEDED to do this so that I would have new beliefs and therefor my life would soon reflect my new beliefs.

Gratefully, I did do this. I started looking for the things I did like about my self. I started looking for and at these things more often. I replaced my old beliefs with some new ones.

I am strong.
I am disciplined.
I believe I will succeed.
I am good enough.
I am beautiful.
I am capable of anything.
I am fit.

It worked. I practiced these thoughts over and over again. I started to believe them. They started to manifest in my life. I witnessed them as realities.

Then I lost some, not all, of these new beliefs and regrettably referred back to some old ones......BUMMER to realize this. But also now that I know better I can do better.

As I write this today I am realizing that I need to look at my belief system again. What do I believe about my body after another pregnancy? What do I believe about motherhood? What do I believe about being a mom and working? What do I believe about me having a career? What do I believe about money? About abundance?

It is time to practice sati or mindfulness. I need to be aware of the thoughts that are occupying this big (yes I have a big-huge-Irish head) of mine. What am I focusing on? What do I need to change? Where do I need to shift my perspective?

What about you....what are you thinking about? focusing on? what do you believe? how can you see this reflected in your life? what are you willing to let go of? change your focus?

Oh.....so much to ponder.

Hope you do. Ponder that is, and maybe make your own shift.
Where do you want to change your beliefs and their reflection in your life?

This is sure to be continued..........

Time for Bed

2010-06-12T18:07:00.000-07:00

Day 17

I have been contemplating what to write about today since I woke up. I should say I have been complaining internally about what to write about since I woke up today. I am tired. Getting up somewhere between 4 and 5 am everyday to run or walk is taking it's toll. Lulu still gets up at least once in the middle of the night too.

I really don't need that much sleep. I just know I need more than I have been getting. I am and have always been a morning person. One really good night's sleep and I will feel like my normal, happy, even tempered self again.

However, with a lack of sleep I am slowly becoming less and less fun to be around. It is not constant. The majority of the time I am my normal happy self. But the bitchiness and snappy remarks come quickly and without warning. My poor husband and kids.

When I am tired and cranky I get lazy and hungry. When I get lazy and hungry I get more tired and cranky. SOOOOO not a good place for me.

AMEN to be aware of it today!

So.........I am cutting this post short. I am taking care of myself tonight and going to bed (without a snack). I love this blog too much to start resenting it.

I will be back tomorrow bright eyed and bushy tailed.

Can't believe I just used the expression bright eyed and bushy tail! I sound like my mother!

and what the hell does it mean anyway???!!

A Week Of Gratitude

2010-06-11T18:57:00.000-07:00

Day 16

I decided to make this a weekly thing for myself. A Friday gratitude list is a nice way to end the week....don't you think?

1. Lulu's chubby feet and hands. I stare at them many many times during the day. I stare, I squeeze, I try to eat......I can't get enough. I want to know every tiny little piece of them and never forget the way they feel.

2. My sister Mary Kate's pictures. There would be no pictures of my kids if it were not for her..... at least not any good ones. She is an unreal photographer in my opinion. The memories that she has caught for me are priceless. Of course, I need to mention, I am grateful for my sister Mary Kate for many more reasons. Which, by the way, make her pictures seem like an after thought. ;-)

3. I was a chaperon on Eliza's class trip this week. I was stressed the morning of the trip. All the running around...trying to pack lunches for us, get the other two packed and ready for my parent's house and all that comes with that.....I was turning into a ball of nerves. Even after my morning meditation I was a tense and snappy beotch! In the midst of the chaos I had to stop and feed Lulu. As I sat in her quiet room feeding her I had a forced moment of peace. I took a deep breath and was reminded of how damn fortunate I am. I have the time and the support to be able to go on this class trip. Her last first grade trip. This will never happen again and I don't have to miss it. I am sooooo lucky!

4. New Jersey Housewives.......enough said

5. My morning run/jog/walk with my sister and friend. Fabulous way to start any day!

6. Having Andy home for a few days and actually enjoying it. It could have been few days of sheer panic with him not working. We could have lived in fear. Instead we got a bagel for lunch, sat and talked...many times, played with the kids, he got to go fishing with our neighbor..........we hung out together and enjoyed it.

7. My parents willingness to help with my kids. I know how lucky I am. I never want to take this for granted. The relationship my kids have with my parents is undeniably one of the best things that could ever happen to my girls.

8. Annie's new use of adjectives. Since getting home from China, Annie had some language issues. She understood EVERYTHING from day one but getting her ideas out and point across was a challenge for her. It is all clicking now. People, other than family, are understanding everything she says. But even better she is using these descriptive words that just make me melt. She told me today that her gummy snacks were "so awesome". She even pronounced the "s" correctly. Watching the pride on her face....that is what makes me proud. My girl is a stubborn, bull headed, hard working and determined little lady. This, along with her faith and love, will take her wherever her heart desires.

9. Hearing in the voice of a friend, one who just completed her level one intenSati leader training today, the contagious energy, enthusiasm, excitement, and inspiration that I, too, have always gotten from the practice. Sati is spreading. It is spreading in my own backyard! I freakin LOVE it!!!!!!!

10. My fabulous $7.95 sandals from Forever 21 that I have gotten a zillion compliments on. BEST

Happy Weekend!!!!

Half Way

2010-06-10T19:34:00.000-07:00

Day 15

OBKB people. It has been a long day. I am exhausted. My bed is calling me big time! I will keep this post short but sweet.

I am now on day 15. Exactly half way through my 30 day challenge. I am loving it.

This blogging thing is just what I needed. I feel excited about it. It is a vulnerable place to be in. Putting myself out there in this way. It is a bit scary.....in a good way. I am finding my voice. Every time I sit down to write I get sucked in and let go. I am not thinking about who is going to read it at that time. I am writing from where I am and this is who I am. It is my voice. It feels so real and honest and true to me. I don't know if I have ever been able to do that before.

I am not claiming to have any thing earth shattering to say here. That is the beauty of it. I am not claiming to be anything other than me. It is enough.

Now, I am realizing I am ready for more.

I want to "grow" my blog. I have started blog hopping and there are a lot of REALLY cool blogs out there. I am totally digging it. The whole thing....this blog world. I want to have more followers and all the tags or ads on the side of the blog and stuff. I want to design a fancy page that is me. This blog is a reflection of me. I want it to be cool!! Well.....my definition of cool.

Why do I want all this? ......Not sure. Honestly, not so sure. But I know I do. I want to keep going with this blog. I want it to grow with me. If feels right. I feel like it is taking me somewhere......I have no idea where but I know it is good.

So, my friends, I am asking you to come with me.

If you are reading, leave a comment if you feel inclined to do so. I know its a weird thing to ask. I don't care if you just write......."Hi, I read today's post." Nothing fancy, just a hello will do. I can't tell you how much I love those comments at the end of a post. Just knowing someone related, enjoyed, or just read it is inspiring. I look forward to it.

Thank you, everyone reading, for being a part of this journey with me. I am grateful.

Honestly

2010-06-09T13:42:00.000-07:00

Day 14

Almost half way through this personal commitment I have made to myself of posting on this blog everyday for thirty days. Most defiantly a challenge, deciding what to write about. How much do I really want to put out there? How personal do I want to get? I have never been good at small talk. I sometimes can where my emotions on my sleeve. Even if you don't know what I am feeling, you soooo know that I am feeling something. I can't hide it.

That makes this blog a little difficult at times. There are some things that are too personal. Some good and some not so good that I just can't get off the brain. So.....when I sit down to write I immediately want to vent or boast about what is really happening right now in my life...or in my head. It is what flows out in the simplest way. The question is how much do I really want to share? I need to be picky and choosy. For now. Mainly because most of these things that have me stumped involve other people. It is in no way my place to tell their stories. They are theirs to tell.

So......I have discussed this with one of my "other people" and have permission to chat a bit about a certain situation.

Andy, my husband, is officially unemployed. At first this was out of his control. He was temporarily laid off from a job he has felt stuck in for a long time. It was a huge kick in the ass to finally make a change he has been longing for for what feels like forever. He has been in construction, tile and marble, since Eliza was a baby. Well, he actually started out of HS but quit before he met me. He knew that tile work was not his calling. He wanted something different. In his gut he knew he wanted more.

Before getting married, Andy followed his passion and went to culinary school. He graduated at the top of his class. He is an unbelievable cook. He has the ability to really make people feel loved and appreciated with his food. I swear that when people eat his stuff they are getting a little piece of him. As corny as it sounds, everything he creates in the kitchen is done with love. I am positive it is what makes his food taste as heavenly as it does.

The life of a chef is not an easy one. Long hours, really LONG hours, little $(especially in the beginning), and .....long hours. After Eliza was born Andy started to question this as a career. He was at the bottom of the totem pole. He needed to work his way up in order to cook more and earn more. Realizing that the higher up he went, the more money he made......would just be more hours away from us.

So, when Andy was offered a job in tile, a job that payed well and that he knew he could handle, he took it. It would be temporary. Maybe until I went back to work. When Eliza was older. When we had a little bit more $ in the bank.

That was 7 years ago. He did what he thought he had to do for his family. Two more kids entered our lives. A LOT happened in the last 7 years. This tile job was good to him....to us. It has been a blessing and allowed us the luxury of living our lives.

The thing is my husband is a creative soul. He needs to use this part of him. He comes alive with his passions which don't just involve cooking. He has found that landscape design fuels him as well. What he has done for our home is incredible. When he is outside in the yard he is in his own little world. I am even a little jealous he is able to do that. Escape into this world if even for a few minutes. It is a gift.

In the last few years, as Andy has opened up internally to live more honestly, he has thought more and more about how career factors in to living his best life.

He has dreams....... big ones....... good ones. Dreams I love. I want them for him. With everything in me, I want his dreams to become his reality.

I have a tremendous faith in him.

When he was asked to come back to the tile company....he passed. He had been getting steady side work and we were doing OK. He was lighter since leaving. He realized....IF NOT NOW, WHEN??????? I have never been so proud. But now it has slowed down. He hasn't worked in 4 days.

I refuse to get scared. He on the other hand is getting a bit worried, that's what he does...worry. I get it but I believe it is on it's way. It is ALL on it's way.

I am so so so excited for him.

Watching this process of him gaining self confidence, standing taller, and smiling easier and more frequently.......I REFUSE to let fear get in the way. Some may think we are nuts. Not knowing where we are going to get $ for the mortgage........how could we possibly be talking about the plans we have to dormer the house or travel to Europe.......I do have moments that I think we are nuts too.

BUT

I have to believe that choosing the road less traveled, by stepping out in faith, by choosing to believe in dreams and passions, by following his bliss.............Andy will live the life he loves.

What more could you want for the love of your life?

Nosey Nancys

2010-06-08T18:27:00.000-07:00

Day 13

"When did your son/daughter come home?"

That is the best we can come up with. Most of the time we don't say anything. It is hard because we miss out on some really great conversations but it is a touchy subject we are still trying to navigate.

When we first started to move towards the direction of adoption, I knew we were headed for China. It was a gut thing. Some people have asked me, "Why China?", and my best answer is, "Because that is where my daughter was."

Whenever we would see an Asian baby my heart would skip a beat. I wanted desperately to speak with the parents and pick their brain. I wanted to know their story and what life was like for them. I wanted to be new best friends with them for crying out loud! Anything to feel closer to my baby waiting for me on the other side of the world.

But this is a very difficult conversation to start. You can't tell some one's story by looking at them. You have no idea and to make an assumption could be offensive. So most of the time I would just smile. I would smile and look into the parents eyes searching for something I am not even sure of. I just wanted that connection.

Now being on the other side of the scenario I know why I struggled to find the words and quite honestly I am glad I did. It is not an easy topic. It is one I LOVE to talk about.......in a safe and comfortable environment. Not with some random Nosey Nancy in Stop and Shop. Especially when Annie is with me. Annie has her own questions. Hard ones. We do not need these stirred up, confused, or hurting my little girl in anyway. She listens people. Even when she is pretending not to, she hears it all.

Annie is my kid. I have three of them. They all came into this world in different ways. They each have their own story.

Funny how nobody looks at Eliza or Lulu and asks.......

*what nationality their dad is?

*how much my hospital bills were?

*if they speak English?

*if it was hard having them?

*how long did I have to wait for them?

Nobody commends me saying...

*how lucky they are that I had them.

*tells me I saved their lives or, better yet, looks at them and tells them I saved their life!

*tells me about they cousins mother in law's brother's best friend's roommate's sister who also had a baby like mine

Nobody would have the audacity to tell me that because of their nationality or what they look like that they will defiantly be good in school.

And the real kicker, the one that gets me every time, nobody ever asks me if Eliza and Lulu are REALLY mine? Am I REALLY their mother?

Nobody would do that or say any of this because it would be rude and assuming and, most importantly, could make the child uncomfortable.

Well.....it does. Annie hears it and internalizes every word.

It is has been the biggest lesson I have ever had in speaking up and setting boundaries. I will not discuss details of the adoption in front of my kid. It is personal. It is our story. Annie can share what she wants when she wants.

Of course, there are exceptions. There are those people who, like me during my wait for Annie, are asking because they want that connection or simply because they are touched by adoption in some way shape or form. We can usually spot those people immediately. There is a big difference in approach, not the words but how they are said. We were taught by our social worker to respond to uncomfortable questions with another question...."Why do you want to know?"

Yesterday we were in Target. I had Lulu and Andy had Annie. We got split down two isles. As I was rounding the corner I heard Andy ask the question..."When did you get home with your daughter?" I looked up to find a women beaming with her little girl as she answered, "We just got home this past Saturday." For the next 10 minutes we shared stories and experiences that very few could understand or relate to. We, the parents were bonded in our similar journeys to our baby girls. We talked agencies, Chinese cities, site seeing in China, hotels, restaurants.....we could relate.

The whole time Annie kept her eyes on me. Then she hugged me while I was talking and wouldn't let go. She finally glanced over at the other little girl ,who was 18 months old and just precious, to wave good bye. Those two little girls share more than we as parents do. They share more than I can even comprehend.

As we walked away from our new friends Annie made it clear that THAT conversation was totally over. Too much. Overload. Seeing this other little girl rocked my baby's world.

Andy and I will continue it at home. We already have. It is our responsibility but most importantly it is Annie's story. A story that has a lot of blanks that I can't fill in. A story that is only hers..

This is a lot for me to wrap my head around. What is it like for a 4, almost 5, year old?

I still don't know how to approach someone. I pretty much just don't. I trust that a knowing smile and a silent prayer is my best route today. Maybe that will change. Annie is my number one priority. That will never change. Her self esteem, her confidence, her sense of self, her comfort, her ability to feel safe, her feeling loved and wanted............

The only connection I need today is with my daughter.

BFFs

2010-06-07T17:02:00.000-07:00

Day 12

This makes me smile.

I had to share.

Hot day...... BBQ..... new bathing suit....... water slide..... and a best friend

Eliza's idea of THE perfect day.

My Sisters

2010-06-06T19:28:00.000-07:00

Day 11

Does not matter what we do, what we wear ( although that is a fun part), where we go, who else is there , or when we do it.

We don't need a birthday or a bar or drinks for that matter to laugh, dance, or sing our asses off. It pretty much happens whenever and wherever we are.

With them and because of them I want to live my life out loud.

My sisters with birthday girl Hilary, funniest chick I ever met.

I laugh harder, dance bigger, and sing better with my sisters.

With our fourth sister, my sister in law.

I also can yell louder, cry harder, and be bitchier with my sisters.

I am always accepted for exactly who I am.

My wish is for my daughters to have this kind of unconditional love. The love of sisters that can give you strength...that holds you up.......that makes you feel beautiful.......that allows you to completely exhale in who you are......
that can make you laugh so hard you pee your pants.

My sisters rock.

Tonight

2010-06-05T14:34:00.000-07:00

Day 10

It is freakin hot! Humid and hot! We live in a cape. The upstairs feels like a sauna....not kidding. It is at least 10 degrees hotter upstairs. The computer is upstairs. Therefore, as I write this I am drip

***********************************************************************************

OK....I am now at my parent's house and using their computer. Mine is not working. Most likely this is due to the heat! It went off line while I was writing but I was not aware of this bit of info. I typed for about 40 minutes and it saved nothing!!!!!!!

So, frustrated....yes but no time to complain. I have a busy night ahead. Starts with Annie's dance recital. It will be long, hot, a bit boring at times (sorry but anyone who had ever been to one can agree) but when my little girl takes the stage for her 5 minute ballet routine I feel like I am in Lincoln Center. She beams up there. In those five minutes last year I had floods and flashes of memories, thoughts, feelings.....my little girl. I don't often think of Annie as having being adopted. I mean, I know it. It is obvious. But I don't go through the whole story in my head daily. Not a lot of time for that in day to day stuff. She is my kid. I love her, she drives me nuts, and I love her even more. But when she is up there with her HUGE smile and shaking her booty........I just can't believe how blessed I am that I get to be her mommy. She is one hell of a kid. My cup runneth over.

Is the night over then???......hells no people! I am off to a rare appearance of all three sisters. I am going to the city to Par-tay like it's 1999! Well...not really that crazy but it will be fun. My sisters and I don't get this opportunity to hang sans kids. We are going for a friend of my little sister's birthdays. A friend who may just be one of the funniest people I have ever met. A wonderful reason to celebrate.

Big night ahead, must get moving!

Peace out!

With Gratitude

2010-06-04T18:58:00.000-07:00

Day 9

Years ago, I think I was still in high school, I heard something on Oprah that stuck with me. She had Gwenyth Paltrow on and they were discussing gratitude journals. I was struck by what the Gwenster shared. She said that she wrote a list of at least 10 things each night that she was grateful for. Sometimes her list had the big things like life, career, family.......and sometimes she recognized the little things like the crinkle of someones nose when they smile. I loved that. Annie has the most adorable crinkle in her nose when she smiles. Even when she is driving me so crazy I want to hang her from her toe nails ( kidding..I would never do that.....really...) she will smile and that crinkle will just kill me. It is defiantly on my list of things to be grateful for.

It has been a full week. Here are ten things that have made my gratitude list.

1. Annie's starbucks dance. As I have shared before, we...I, spend way too much time in starbucks. So much so that Annie now has a dance reserved especially for this establishment. She refuses to do it anywhere else. It is priceless. The girl has moves.
2. Lulu's new tricks. She has two of them. The first is the head shake. Basically she looks like she is saying no but it is more of a dance that she gets a kick out of. The second is the funny face she now does on command. Her bottom lip goes up over the top one and her chin is in the air. She finishes it off with some kissing/lip smacking noises. We probably make her do this 80-100 times a day...no joke.
3. Eliza's best friend. Eliza has a BFF. Watching this friendship grow is heart warming for me. They truly care for one another and laugh all the time. I know what it means to have good girlfriends. My BFF is Eileen. She has been since about the same age Eliza is now. Eileen is still a constant in my life even though she lives on the other side of the country. One day, after Eliza's BFF left our house, she turned to me and said ,"I think she is my Eileen." Is that not the sweetest thing ever???!!
4. New friends. We all made out with Eliza's new friendship. Turns out I get along extremely well with her mom. Even better, the families really like each other. We all have new friends. How cool is that? New friends, good new friends that you can laugh with and be real with, totally rock.
5. Andy's landscapingg. My husband has a passion. She loves to landscape. He didn't know this until we bought this house. Thank God he does or we might be living in a house surrounded my nothing but dirt. NOT my forte. He has done a magnificent job. I sit out in my yard every morning in the midst of the beauty he created. It is a peaceful, serene, beautiful oasis.
6. Following through. I followed through this week on things that I said I wanted to do. I crossed big things off my list. Examples, We are teaching an intenSati class at the Lululemon store at Roosevelt Field Mall, and I created a Long Island intenSati facebook page........yes!
7. My Wednesday night class is growing!
8. Exercise and Meditation. They are both amazing but even better together. I have been doing the aahh meditation after my jog in the morning. I'm so much more calm and open after a workout. It is a good combo, it is working for me. Speaking of working for me.....this manifesting meditation works people! I will post about this soon. Try it and see for yourself though. You can download it off itunes or find it on YouTube. Wayne Dyer's Meditation for Manifesting.
9. My girl's love. Being a mommy all day, especially on long hot days, can be exhausting. I can, at times, be very .....very low on patience. I snap when I don't want to and don't listen the way I want to. I was feeling it tonight. I was secretly thinking that I couldn't wait for bed time for the girls. Plain and simple....they were driving me nuts and I was reacting.
Then at dinner both Annie and Eliza wanted to sit next to me. Not to annoy me. Not to hang on me. Just sit with me. Sit with me and love me. I took a deep breath and loved them back.
10.This blog. I am so so so enjoying writing. I am glad I took this challenge on. I am curious and excited to see where it takes me.

Asking for help....
I would really like to grow this blog. I would love to get sponsors for the blog. I am not sure how it all works but I am trying to learn. One thing I know would help and I would just love is for you folks who are reading, to leave a comment here on the blog if you feel moved to for any reason. I would love to hear from you guys.

I am incredibly grateful to anyone who is reading and for all the kind and thoughtful messages you have been sending me.

Have a fabulous night!

Another Opportunity to Grow

2010-06-03T18:18:00.000-07:00

Day 8

How many times have you heard someone say they are addicted to something like a t.v. show, the sun, a certain food...? Or that they just have an addictive personality? I have been witness to many conversations......... I have been part of many conversations that talk about addictions very lightly. It can be funny. It is something we can all relate to. We have all felt that pull towards something we maybe shouldn't have or that isn't too good for us. So when we hear someone say something like," It's so bad, I am so addicted to reality t.v! I can't stop.", we feel their pain. We respond with , " I hear ya sista/brother! I feel the same way with........" Knowing that they really aren't so proud of this behavior and need to be comforted in the idea that they are not alone.

We also know addiction as a much heavier topic. In cases where alcohol, drugs, food, gambling, sex, shopping.....the list goes on....are involved, we are less likely to laugh it off. Unless of course, we have experienced it first hand and have enough recovery behind us to be able to joke. In reality.... It is a hell. It is life altering and life sucking. It robs you of any joy or almost any emotion for that matter. With addiction, a person lives outside their body. Never present in the moment. Moments are too scary. Feelings are terrifying. So an addict hides. Hides in their substance. An addict runs.

Got a little heavy on ya, huh???

I had a dream when I was a kid. It was more like a reoccurring nightmare. I was running down my street, the street I grew up on. Every time my foot hit the ground it would crumble beneath me. So....I had to keep running and I had to run fast.

I am a food addict. I am an equal opportunist when it comes to eating addictions. I have gone through times of being addicted to eating too much food, eating way too little, and all the horrors of desperately trying to get rid of or reverse my last binge. It sucks. Not going to lie. Kicked my ass for a lot of my life. I spent years numb to any real true emotion. I ran like hell from feeling uncomfortable. I used food to do this. Every meal I sat down to, or stood up with or ran away from or got rid of, was just another opportunity to bolt. I didn't want to deal. Period.

I have been on a path of learning to deal and learning to stay open to life and every emotion that comes with it for quite some time now. Alleluia! I know how blessed I am. I am a better person for it. It was part of my path. I am grateful for it. I get amazed sometimes at where my life is today. People don't know me as a food addict. My kids have no idea of who I was when I used food. I am thankful for that everyday.

One of the things I learned in the last few years was that food itself had very little to do with my addiction or disease. It was the shame, guilt, regret, and remorse that sent me into a tizzy. Food is food. We have to eat it at least 3 times a day to stay healthy. It is really about what I believe the food will do for me before I eat it and the instant after when I am reminded of the lies I told myself once again. Enter shame, guilt, regret, and remorse.

When it comes to my food I can say I am free from most of these feelings on most days. I am not perfect nor do I want to be. Again, alleluia! They do not control me anymore. I eat to fuel my body. I eat delicious foods. I enjoy my food. I feel good. ...........honestly, I feel fabulous!

What I have been noticing, in this past year in particular, is that what I am now addicted to ( besides starbucks, real housewives, kissing my kids necks, and intenSati) are the feelings of guilt, shame, regret and remorse. It is no longer centered around food, thank God, but don't be fooled. It has been sneaky and hard to pin point but is becoming ever so clear. I can't say I like those feelings. Quite the opposite. However, it is comfortable. I know it well. So, I have used these feeling for the same reasons I used food. To run.

If I am feeling good about my food and my body, what can I then focus on to feel crappy about? To beat myself up about?

Well.....unfortunately.....I have managed to find a whole slue of things to fill the void.

I didn't even see it coming..

This past week I was feeling so damn good about sticking with my commitments. I meditated and wrote everyday. Awesome right?! SO.........I started to notice myself whining internally about how I am meditating, about my lack of patience when meditating, about how I write, blah blah blah....

I am just grasping for things.

This goes on all day. I "feel bad" about a lot. It is about meaningless stuff too. It is a waste of time.

This has been a huge eyeopener. I have not been conscious of this until now. I am so freakin grateful because now I can change it.

NOW......I am willing to admit that I have been using the feelings of guilt, shame, regret and remorse so that I didn't need to step up and live my life to it's full potential. I have been scared.

I do believe that this can change and I am ready to let it go.

I surrender.

I am choosing not to run. I am choosing to shift my focus. My brain can only hold one thought at a time. I may not be able to control the thoughts that come in but I sure as hell can control which thoughts I let stay and hang out in there. (Enter intenSati:-)

This is just another step on my journey. Another chance to grow.

This is one more opportunity to be me, the best version.

Commitment

2010-06-02T18:57:00.000-07:00

Today is Day 7. For the last seven days I have done my 20 minute morning meditation and have posted on this blog. I have to tell you......if feels good and solid. It is like I am making deposits in my own bank of self worth. I am keeping my promise to myself. I am learning to trust myself. I am proud of that.

Even better, it feels like I am turning something on that has been, not asleep, but very tired and sluggish for a little while. Writing for me is a release. It also makes me feel a part of in some weird way. Maybe it is because I spent so many years being shy and now I am finding my voice. Or maybe it is just because it feels good and clean to be so honest and open.

The meditation is just freakin fantastic. I am ahhing my ass off and loving it. Yes, it was a bit awkward at first. I do it outside in my backyard after my jog. I am so much clearer and focused after working up a sweat. BUT.... what if the neighbors here me? What would they think?
Um.....don't give a shit. I have good neighbors. We like each other. ANNNDDD........I will leave it at that. This manifesting mama is too busy bringing in love to worry about what someone else is thinking!

(Annie came downstairs today during my meditation. As I was in the middle of ahhing, I feel this presence getting nearer. I opened my eyes and the look on that kids face was priceless. "WHAT are you doin mommy????" She'll get it soon enough. For now, we had a good laugh)

I have a lot of goals or intentions for this summer. I will be sharing them periodically. The first being, to grow my intenSati classes. I am recommitting myself to this practice and teaching it. For the last year or so I have been sorta half assing it. One foot in and one foot out. I had my baby and I was stretched thin....but I am back! I am ready to take this on now and move forward. By the end of the summer, better yet....by the end of July...I will be teaching to a packed room of an enthusiastic and open community of people who adore the practice and are ready to take it on!!!! Bring it!!!!!

Here is my series for this month....just did it for the first time tonight...so fun!

I know what I want
And I can make it happen
I see obstacles
as opportunities
My bliss is
my responsibility
I commit to sticking with it
No matter what
I am diciplined
And I am free now
Worry?
No way, now is my time
Doubt?
No way, now is my time
Waiting?
No way, now is my time
My time is now
Abundance is mine

I am strengthened
When I seek to make truth
My own reality
All is Well

An Old Picture

2010-06-01T18:14:00.000-07:00

Day 6

There is this picture that I wish I had for this post. It was taken a long time ago at my grandmother's house in New Jersey. I was probably about 13 or so which would make my sister Liz around 10. I remember the adults joking about this photo and saying how is captured our personalities so well. I didn't know if I should be insulted by this.

You see, in the picture my sister is holding my baby cousin ever so gently. My sister came out of the womb maternal. Liz always knew how to hold, change, comfort, feed, you name it....she was born to be a mommy. In the same picture I am sitting on the couch next to her looking the other way and fixing my earring. I was totally self absorbed. I even remember my outfit...totally late 80's early 90's and I know I was feeling damn cool. But when the adults joked I was conflicted. On one side I liked the way they were talking. They said things like " Oh that Rebecca, she better be rich when she gets older the way she likes to dress. Expensive taste! She can't be bothered with the babies. She has bigger things going on. HAHAHA!" Still not so sure what was meant by that exactly. I do know that I really liked the idea of being rich. I pictured myself as a sort of bi-coastal, high powered woman. Actress possibly. Extremely successful of course and always dressed to impress. We would joke that Liz would always have Thanksgiving dinner or any holiday for that matter and I would take the family out to an expensive dinner at a fancy restaurant.

The thing is, what none of the adults knew at the time they were making those comments was that I loved babies. I loved the way they smelled. I loved the sounds they made. I couldn't wait to someday be a mom. I wanted to hold my baby cousin too. Really I did. I was just so nervous. That was Liz's gig. She was the maternal one. It came easy to her. I was awkward and shy. So I took on the other persona. Somehow in all that, more of what was in that picture, I formed many of my beliefs about what kind of adult I was going to be. What kind of mom I would be. What that looked like and how is should be done.

Seems so crazy to me now that I was basing my whole belief system of who I was and what I was to become on other people's opinions. Crazy but true.

My life took a much different path than I believed it "should" and because of that I have felt less than content at many times. When I met Andy I had already studied abroad in London and traveled around Europe. I taught third grade for a year in Queens, NY while taking acting classes at night. I moved to Los Angeles, California for a year and pursued an acting career. I came back east and lived in Manhattan while teaching in Brooklyn. I met many many interesting people along my way. I was living the life I believed I "should" but something was not right.When it all got quiet.....I had some sort of pit in my stomach.

Then I met Andy. Well I shouldn't say met, we knew each other for a long time. We went to elementary and high school together but were never friends or anything. When we first talked at my sisters wedding there was just something about the guy that made me smile. But I fought it and fought it hard. He did not fit into my belief system. He was from my home town for crying out loud. AND get this, he was living at home, had just quit his job and his car had just died!!! I mean, seriously.....are you f"n kidding me????!!! The complete opposite of what I thought I wanted. I was going to marry some older rich established man. That fit my belief system. This, Andy, so so so did not fit. But it felt more "right" than anything ever before. It was just so comfortable and easy. I smiled more and felt lighter. I fell in love and there was no turning back.

Still can't believe it. I married a guy from my hometown. I had kids right away. I am now living in the town I grew up in. My kids go to the dancing school I went to, the church I grew up in. We live around the block from my parents, my sister, my sister in law and my brother in law. We are all within about a mile or two from each other.

Yesterday we drove to my mom and dad's house to park in their driveway because Eliza hurt her ankle and couldn't walk too far(whole other story). We walked down the block to the Memorial Day parade. The same parade I walked in as a Brownie and Andy walked in with his PAL soccer team. We met up with my sister and her family and some friends. Families that also live in this town. Our kids go to school together. Good good people that we can trust our kids with and laugh with. Real and solid friendships are forming not only for the kids but for us as well. We are a part of a loving and supportive community.

This is me. This is the real me. I am a maternal, suburban, SAHM (stay at home mom), who drives a minivan, and likes to hang with other moms. It suits me. I believe I am right where I am supposed to be.

Let's not be mistaken. I am still a SAHM with an edge. I can still do worldly, eccentric, globe trotting, high fashion, money makin mama at the drop of a hat. But I have priorities and I now believe I can have it all!!

PS My maternal since birth sister is the one, granted she is still uber maternal and very Martha Stewartesque, is the one with the exciting job in the city.........go figure......life is funny........ and awesome:-)

Built In Forgetters

2010-05-31T18:36:00.000-07:00

Day 5

I have something I once heard referred to as built in forgetters. I can hear something over and over, I can believe it, I can really know it and own it and still........just like that......forget it all.

Let me explain.

I have had a LLLLOOOONNNNGGGG journey when it comes to body image, food, exercise....and how these all relate not only to eachother but to basically every other area of my life. It is all connected and it all goes back there. For me. I will spare you details for now. No need to go there.

What I will say is that along this journey of mine I have had a lot of growth. Major turning points and small personal milestones or victories. One I am thinking of now happened three summers ago. Eliza was three and we were waiting for Annie to come home. Eliza was much more active and I would soon have two kids to chase after. The pool and the beach were unavoidable. See, since I had Eliza, I had avoided getting into a bathing suit. I was very good at dodging every possibility of slim chance of having to get in one. It is amazing Eliza learned to swim and loves the water as much as she does. A miracle really. Andy, my sisters, my parents, friends......not me. I was sad about this. It didn't feel right. It was sad and still is. I let my own insecurities and "issues" get in the way of time, real quality fun time, with my kid. Not to mention what kind of messages I was sending my little girl.

Gratefully, I didn't stay in that place. I caved. I ended up in Macy's on a random Wednesday night with my sister looking for a miraculous bathing suit that I could feel comfortable in enough to enjoy my summer with my kids. I spent a lot of money on it. Well worth every penny I must add. It was seriously a great suit. Still is. You really do get what you pay for. I have now had summers of fun memories in that suit. I am still not a huge swimmer but I learned this is just me. I prefer to hang back on the side with an occasional dip....like an old lady. It wasn't all about the fat complex I am just more like a 90 year old woman than I care to admit....who knew?!

That first day I wore the suit was at the beach with my sisters. Who better to make my adult bathing suit debut with?. Two of my biggest fans. They basically held my hand through each minute in their own way. It was not easy at first. Excruciating really. Torturous maybe. But as each minute passed I became liberated. I even got up and walked to the water with the kids without putting my cover up on OR stressing about each move. I was actually present in the moment. Huge breakthrough. Big day for me.

(It must be said, I was also doing some major internal work and it was time for it to make its way out)

Since then I have suited up every summer. I even sit up in my suit! May sound like nothing to you but I spent years only laying down in a bathing suit. If I had to get up I would shimmy my way into my shorts before I even thought of bending my body to expose the belly rolls. This, my friends, was my insanity. Not fun. Way way WAY too time consuming, especially after having kids. I think my 2 year old making a bee line for the ocean takes precedence over my thighs having cellulite. Dontcha think?

Okay.....so in many ways I have felt liberated in my skin since then. Major strides have been made. I have taken my physical fitness and the food I fuel my body with very seriously. I learned my body is a temple, an instrument rather than an ornament. I have a new honest and loving relationship with my body. I even, at times, felt pretty damn hot. Yep, no joke, I learned how to rock what I got. I know this is an absolute miracle and never has it been taken for granted. I have even made it a major goal of mine to share how I made this shift with teenage girls. Hopefully spare them years of self loathing and encourage them to shine.

Here's where the built in forgetters come in.......... Yesterday, as I tried on my summer clothes....the ones I haven't worn in a couple of years because I was pregnant last year......and they are all tight.......I forgot all the strides, awakenings, accomplishments, victories, and miracles. I just felt fat. I went right back. Feeling huge. Even the high I have been on from my morning meditations........forgotten.

I KNOW! Sucks right?!

Here's the growth....(I need to stay in the growth and the gratitude today so I continue moving forward)......I didn't get stuck. I found a shirt that felt good. I did my hair, put my makeup on and I hosted a killer BBQ. I showed up and did it with a smile....a genuine one. I may have had a forgetful moment but today my beliefs have changed. I have a better sense of who I am and my self worth is not dependent on the way my clothes fit........really.

That is a miracle I refuse to take for granted.

With that said, I am ready to feel strong in my body again. There are some minor changes in diet and exercise routine that need to be made. This has been building. I haven't felt "hot" in awhile. Up until now, I knowingly was not willing to make those changes. I have been honest with myself about that and therefore have no shame, guilt or resentment about it.

But.......I am ready now.

Screw the built in forgetters! Now it is in writing!!!!

A Beautiful Thought

2010-05-30T19:52:00.000-07:00

Day 4

I had heard of Geneen Roth's book, Women Food and God, through a friend. I was immediately struck with a title like that...... Um.......hello?!......it was like written for me. However, it wasn't until I heard her on Oprah that I was stopped in my tracks. Oprah read this quote from the book.

"Can you remember a time, perhaps when you were very young, when life as it was - just the fact that was early morning or any old day in summer - was enough? When you were enough - not because of what you looked like or what you did, but because everything was the way it was. Nothing was wrong. When you were sad, you cried and then it was over. You were back to a fundamental feeling of positivity, of goodness just because you were alive. What if you could live that way now?"

Oh, man......is that not just the most beautiful thought? I can just feel it. It brought me there immediately.

I love it.

I want to live it.

A Summer of Summers

2010-05-29T08:12:00.000-07:00

Day 3

So my friends, Memorial Day Weekend is upon us. Summer is here. It means so many different things. The smells, the sounds, the heat......it brings back memories of summers past. Good and bad and for all different reasons. Each one of us has our own. I guess every season can do this, bring back a sense of what is familiar. The summer, however is distinct. It meant freedom as a kid. Vacation, swimming, beach, shorts, no shoes, late nights, road trips, ice pops, BBQ, picnics, fire works, lazy days, quiet moments in the yard, no schedule, my birthday:-).....the list goes on...

As a teacher I still enjoyed the excitement of school ending and responsibility fleeing. This time of year is, for lack of a more exciting word, just simply....fun! As the end of the school year quickly approaches I always go back to one specific memory. It was while I was teaching second grade in Brooklyn and living in Manhattan. I worked with another woman who also lived in the city. We started at this school the same time and we quickly became friends, really good friends. I was not an easy year in our school. We were challenged in many ways. I had 35 second graders by myself, no assistant or any assistance really in anyway. My new colleague and our friendship was a gift I did not take for granted. Together we found humor in the chaos. We laughed a lot and often....hard. We started commuting together and quickly started spending most of our time together. It was a simple time in my life, if only I had known that at the time! I was single, living in a beautiful apartment, doing what I loved. I was young. I had my pre-baby body, perky boobs and all. (This, the boobs, have absolutely nothing to do with the summer or teaching or the friendship....I just really miss them!!!)

That Memorial Day on our subway ride back to the city from work, my friend asked me to join her at her family's summer home at their lake house in Connecticut. They were opening the house for the summer. I was uptight about being in the way and feeling out of place with her whole family but she insisted I come. I thought, what the hell!, and went. I literally ran up to my apartment and put my flip flops on and threw some clothes in a bag and we were off. As soon as we stepped out of the car at the lake, we left the rest of the world behind us. I spent the weekend gardening, picking weeds, having a blast and feeling part of a wonderful new family.

That year on the last day of school my friend and I met at a restaurant for appetizers and a drink. We sat outside on a NYC street eating calamari and drinking Coronas. It was soooo summer. We promised each other we would do that every year on the last day of school. We would always kick off our summer this way.

I ended up spending most of my summer at the lake that year. The days were long. We always managed a daily nap. We always had time to read. Cocktails started around 5, maybe 4:-). We drank a lot of wine (Kendall Jackson Chardonnay). We talked about everything......many times. We laughed a lot and often... hard. We danced. We played. It was a perfect summer. One I will never forget.

When that summer ended I met Andy. Life shifted. I was soon engaged, married and a mother.

My friend and I never did kick off the summer with calamari and coronas again. I never spent time at the lake again. In fact, this friend and our friendship.........it was never like that summer again.

I miss it. This time of the year, I miss my friend.

BUT my memories are too good for it to bring me down. It's SUMMER!!!!!! Time to let go. Time to be outside. Time to just relax and enjoy.

So, my dear dear lost lake friend, this weekend I will have a glass of wine, Kendall Jackson chardonnay, for you. I will toast our friendship, our summer of summers. Here's to this summer. A summer to make new memories. With love.........

Looking Up

2010-05-28T18:48:00.000-07:00

Day 2 and here I am.

I started my day with a walk. I actually have been doing this for a few weeks now and LOVING it. Sometimes it is a run/jog but today was a gentle walk. I meet up with my sister and good friend at the crack of dawn. All our kids are still sleeping at home. It is just us ladies. Ladies who love to chat. ( A big shout out to you two morning mamas....holla!)

Besides us, the streets are quiet. You can hear the birds. There is a peace at this time of the day that is unique. I have always loved it. I remember waiting for the bus as a kid or even better getting up and leaving early for a road trip. The early morning always felt special in some way. Maybe it is the memory of the road trips but I still get a little thrill in the early morn. Like there is a secret I am being let in on while the rest of the world sleeps. I feel the need to talk and step a little quieter .......out of respect. I also have been noticing that I look up more at this time. I literally look up at the sky more. Ever try it? Just take a second to stop, breathe and simply look up at the heavens (how dramatic does that sound...heavens....ha:-) Seriously though, every morning as I leave my back yard and step out my gate I take a minute to look up.The sky is huge and ....quiet. Beautiful. A reminder of how small we really are. It is grounding and awe inspiring at the same time.

Which reminds me....wasn't planning on writing this but....going with the flow today. (BTW~day 2 of the AAHH meditation.....hence feeling the need to go with the flow.....LOVING it and highly recommend it)

Anyway, I think this is worth sharing.......

About a month or so after I had Lulu, I was going for a walk with all the kids. We were walking through the elementary school playground in the back of the school. It is a wide open space. So the two older ones asked it they could go ahead. It was fine with me being that we were the only ones there and I could still totally see them. It was a win win because they felt independent and pretty cool and I got a much needed quiet moment. Just me and the baby in the stroller. I don't know what made me do it but I looked up. I just looked up. Simple right? I wasn't prepared for what I felt though because looking up at the sky I felt completely flooded with emotions. Emotions I wasn't really sure of . I know there was some gratitude in there mixed with some fear and some joy. I realized it was the first time I had looked up since Lulu was born.

All I thought about at that moment was how big the sky was. It was blue blue and with very few clouds. It looked just so damn big. I had this thought.....The day I had Lulu...the day I almost lost my life...the day that was almost my last.....the sky had been that big, that blue blue and with very few clouds. On that day I was sooo not thinking about the sky. But it was still there. As I was going through the most life altering experience of my life to date with my baby and my family.....the rest of the world continued to go on under that big blue blue sky. If I had not been graced with a miracle that day, the sky would still have continued to be as big and as blue.

Whoa.......all of that in a moment in the back of the elementary school. It was quite a moment for me. All of that.....hit my heart. Reminded me of how small I am in this world but how significant I am to it all, just the same. I felt protected by the sky. I felt a part of something bigger under that sky. I felt way beyond blessed to be standing there under that big blue blue sky and having my moment.

It still brings so clear to me the fact that life is going on. It continues to keep moving with or without me. Every morning when we have the gift of waking up, we have a choice. We can keep our heads down OR we can look up. It is our choice. The sky is always there. Today, I choose to notice the big vastness of what is above me. I am grateful to have the opportunity to be a part of it , breathe and say a big fat Thank You.

Promises

2010-05-27T18:11:00.000-07:00

Hey all! I have been sitting at this computer trying to get this post started for 2 days. Drawing a huge blank. Is that I don't know what to say or that I have too much to say? Still not sure. What I do know is that I want to write more. I feel good when I write. I have fallen deeply in love with writing and am so not willing to let it go. Therefore, I just need to stop procrastinating and DO IT!

I am making a commitment right here, right now. It is one that scares me. I have fear that I won't follow through. What if I don't keep my promise? Oh, I have been down this road before. That feeling of telling myself, " This is it, time to eat right, get healthy, I am totally starting on Monday, no if ands or buts about it!" Monday then would come and maybe after breakfast I would have a little snack, I would mindlessly eat too much and then..."Oh well, there I go again, now this day is shot! Who am I kidding? I can't do this." Anyone relate??

Gratefully, today I do nourish my body and choose foods that fuel me and feel good. It takes discipline, yes, it also takes surrender. I trust that if I stick to my plan of feeling good with my food, that I will..........feel good. It works. Really.

Every time I try to promise myself something and don't stick to it, I kill my spirit a little bit at a time. It could even be something little like putting the laundry away. I tell myself that I want it done in one day and when it is still sitting there after 5 days, I feel like crap about myself. I could give a zillion excuses for why it is sitting there. I am busy mom of three for crying out loud. I have a life. A life that does not stop for laundry! BUT reality is if I had just taken maybe just 15 min out of watching a rerun of The Real Housewives I could have gotten it done. I would feel so much better knowing it was done and I would enjoy those crazy, bitchy, and wonderfully entertaining women so much more.

So, after sitting with some uncomfortable feelings in the last couple of weeks, I have come to the conclusion that I need to make a shift. I am willing to practice discipline and surrender in more areas of my life knowing that it is where my freedom lies. If I can commit to something and not doubt its truth, if I can stay clear of the shame, guilt and resentment of broken promises...............DAMN that is freedom.

So.....on this fine Thursday night I am making just 2 promises to myself. I am writing about it here for that, much needed and much appreciated, added accountability.

1. I am taking part in Patricia Moreno's 30 day Meditation Challenge. I will wake up early and do Wayne Dyer's AHHH meditation for manifesting for 20 minutes each morning for 30 days. From what I have been told, it is fabulous stuff. I started today. I am going for it, two legs in.

Anyone want to join me????

2. I will also post on this blog every single day for the next 30 days.

These two things are good freakin stuff. Stuff I talk about wanting to do all the time. Stuff that feels good.

Time to walk the walk baby.

You will be hearing from me tomorrow.

Nighty night

The Diving Board

2010-05-05T11:04:00.000-07:00

I am moved to write but in no certain direction and with no particular plan. I just know that I need to vent a bit. I am stirred up and emotional. I have a nervous stomach and a ton of questions.

Before going any further, it needs to be said, that all is well. I am OK. Even better, things are really good. I am blessed and I know it.

Whenever I get stirred like this and feel like I am about to crash or explode, I know that I something big is going on. Something bigger than me and my "issues". I kind of feel like I did when I was a kid and I had to go off the high diving board at the town pool swimming lessons. I was a nervous wreck. Climbing those stairs up to the top of the board was terrifying. With every step my stomach did flips, my head swirled with fears, and I pretty much felt like I was going to throw up.( I was a nervous kid, can you tell?) However, at the same time, with every step the excitement, confidence, and pride also grew. One step at a time I was "DOING IT".

Then, holy crap, the feeling of standing on that board and looking down. I wasn't the kid that just said the hell with it and jumped. I hesitated. I procrastinated. I thought......a lot. I looked back and down and back again. Was this for real? Did I really need to do this? What would they say, or think, if I climbed back down? ( Oh no...climbing back down may be worse!)

During all of that though, I always knew I COULD do it. I had the skills. It was, in fact, pretty simple. Just took guts .Funny though, no? I wasn't doubting the fact that I was capable. I was doubting the desire. The question really was.........How bad did I want it? WHY did I want to jump?Do I want to push passed this fear so that I can feel? Feel what it feels like to fly? Or.....am I OK with staying where I am? Can I live with not knowing? Do I want to just watch fro the sidelines?

I did it. I jumped and it was awesome. I actually ended up doing it over and over again that first night. I felt unstoppable...... like I could really and truly fly.

I have taken that leap many times since in my life and have NEVER regretted it. Not one bit. It has always been when I felt most alive. It is also when I feel most connected to who I really am, my true self. It is in the surrender that I have "the guts" or that I let go and let God.

This light, higher power, inner guide.....my God......has never let me down. It is only me, and my thinking, that has gotten in the way. All the fear, worry, doubt, "what ifs"......all me. But I believe, for me, sometimes, I am brought through these times of stirred up emotional craziness to open up my awareness. To get my attention and to wake me up. Something needs to change. It is all there for me and ready. All I need is within me now.

So.....I hear ya God. I am still a bit weary and rubbing my eyes but I am waking up once again. It is time.

I don't want to sit back and watch. I want to feel alive. I am not OK with staying where I am. I want to feel what it feels like to fly....yet again.

I am on that board. Hesitating...procrastinating.....looking back and forth.....but I know it is simple. I KNOW I am capable.

Just gotta get out of my own way.

This Guy

2010-04-28T18:17:00.000-07:00

So, there is this guy in my life. He is really IN my life, making up a huge part of my life, and has profoundly changed my life. Yet, somehow I haven't spent a lot of time writing about this guy. Maybe it is because he is so opposed to the online computer world and thinks facebook, twitter and blogs are "ridiculous" ( he has, however, been known to stalk facebook when he thought no one was watching.....same guy who will poke fun of me for watching shows like The Hills but will sit for 10 minutes and start talking to the TV telling Heidi to leave Spencer ) it just feels weird for me to talk about him on here. Like.....what if I don't do him justice or he is less than thrilled with how I portray him or he somehow gets embarrassed that I talked about him in this online world he thinks is sooooo ridiculous? I have a fear of selling him short......my words not being enough. He is a simple guy but a simple guy with depth and many sides and a lot going on. See? already not so sure how to put this into words..........

So.....this simple/complicated/deep guy? He has asked me, on more than one occasion, why nobody else gets to know what a bitch I really am. Don't be appalled. I'm not. I am not the least bit offended by this. It is kind of funny. He says it with a smile and I laugh every time he does. It is true. I am a bitch......sometimes..... and he has seen this like nobody else. He gets the brunt of it all. I am not an attacker of sorts I can just really put on the "I don't give a shit" or "WHATEVER!" kind of attitude and he sees this when the rest of the world does not. He has seen me at my WORST.

And this guy still loves me.

With that said, there has never been another human being that has ever gotten under my skin like this guy. He can , honestly, annoy the crap out of me. All intentional, I must add. He knows how to push my buttons. He is sarcastic, he can't keep a secret, he snoops for his gifts, he asks a million and one questions while watching a movie, he asks a millions and one questions about anything really, he has a selective memory, he talks to me when I am on the phone like I am not on the phone, he asks me for receipts nightly so he can do the bills, he is an anal cleaner ( this is also a good thing yes, but still drives me nuts at times) and he has a habit of shouting to me from the other side of our (huge..ha ha) house, total pet peeve of mine. Now these may sound minor and they are. However, over time.....they can eat away at me....if I choose to let them that is. There were times, some not so long ago...~~like yesterday maybe~~......in our relationship that I let them. I actually let them. I would get myself all in a huff over him asking too many questions during NYPD Blues or something???!!! Yep, sorry to say it, but I did.SO.......... the bitch reference.....totally warranted.

Today I choose to focus, most of the time...I am not perfect.....on the fact that he is the most interesting, loving, artistic, soulful, creative, open, warm, funny, and honest people I have the immense privilege of having in my life. This guy who tells me I am beautiful when I am angry, sad, sweaty, huge and pregnant, huge after pregnant, sick, tired, or whenever......and to my utter amazement and with a ton of gratitude...I believe him.

This guy who is obsessed with getting deals for our house on Craig's list, who picks up free periodicals whenever he sees them, who can spend hours looking at a map with utter fascination ( forget an atlas!), who can make a meal that could feed royalty but would always prefer Domino's pizza for himself, who plays a guitar with a beauty few people know of, who decides daily to continue on a path of spiritual growth, who is working his ass off to better himself and his life so his daughters can learn by example, who provides a place in his arms for his girls ( myself included) where we can always find warmth, acceptance, safety and love.

I am head over heels in love with this guy.

Hope this guy approves of his online debut.

Lovin it Long

2010-04-20T08:57:00.000-07:00

This is the product of coming off a stomach virus and feeling a bit loopy. I have been in utter turmoil about my hair, obsessed with missing it really....so ridiculous! Wahhh Wahhhh wahhhhhhh.....ENOUGH. It is short, deal. Time to move the F on!!

I haven't tried to write a poem since elementary school, which is painfully obvious! I did have fun though and Lord knows I need to start laughing more about my do. Enjoy or at least laugh with me:-)

O' What we had was so pure, so rare
Now that your gone
In my heart
There lies a tear

The love I had for you
Grew stronger with years gone by
The fact that I let you go
Is hard to get over, not matter how hard I try

You were my saving grace
On the days when all else seemed to fail
Even when wearing sweats and no make up
With you, my look could never go stale

Ponytail, down, curly, or straight
We were together for a reason
Nothing short of fate

My only condolence
Is that you are with someone in greater need
I am reminded of the why and what is really important
Now in more areas of my life I strive to follow your lead

We will be together again
I look forward to the day
But in the mean time
I will watch what I say

I gotta work what I got
It gives me character and is funky
They say I have a face to carry it
And to be honest...on some days it makes me feel spunky!

I vow to stop the complaining
and the whiney song
From this day forward
I choose to LOVE MY HAIR LONG!!!!!!!!!!

Curly Haired Fanny Pack Lady

2010-04-13T17:56:00.000-07:00

This time thing, the lack of it really..the thing that I am continually finding myself complaining about... is really coming to a head of sorts. How long can I whine about not having enough time for what I want to do, all the while not doing what I want to do? It's an excuse. An excuse to not to put myself out there with the risk of not doing these things "perfect".

I know, I know, I know......this is what my last post was about!!

Shouldn't I be over this now? Moved on? Done with procrastination? Organized and really movin and groovin????? Well................I can say I have begun that very process. I am making lists and I am crossing things off daily. I am prioritizing. I am taking little steps towards my own greatness. And most importantly I am keeping my eyes wide open. I am constantly looking for examples of what and who I am striving to be. I want to focus on the people I see around me that are doing it. People who have kids and careers and are still smiling. People who feel passionate about what they are doing and persevere through. People who shine.

I found one of these people in a place I was not expecting. Still amazes me that when we open our eyes and hearts to it, we are shown exactly what we need to see, exactly what we have been looking for. I take Annie to her PT and speech therapy every Tuesday and Wednesday mornings. It is one of those things on my list of weekly tasks that can kind of irk me a bit. Not that I don't want Annie to get what she needs, I want only the best for my kids and I am so grateful she is getting it but I wouldn't be honest if I didn't say that the self centered part of me would like to use this time for all those things I say I don't have time for instead of sitting in a waiting room thinking about all I want to get done.

Then last Wednesday I see curly haired fanny pack lady. She is another parent who is taking her child to therapy. Her child has two 1/2 hour sessions back to back just like Annie. Curly haired fanny pack lady is an efficient woman. She is always using her hour to get things done. I have witnessed this the whole year. Christmas cards, thank you cards, knitting, phone calls, ect.. I must say too, she does this all with a great smile and sense of humor. She never seems stressed by any means. She is always pleasant and friendly. When I was too busy complaining about my lack of time I was not taking this woman in. I was too busy whining and watching the clock tick as I sat there feeling the time escape me. I was soooo not seeing her ability to take care of business. Well, last week curly haired fanny pack lady began using her hour to exercise! Didn't know this was possible but she managed. She walks the big parking lot for an hour with her workout gear on(fanny pack and all), i pod, and a smile. She is taking her life in her hands. Wanting to get fit was enough, the time for that was found. After her hour she greets her child with a huge hug while she is shining of sweet sweat from taking care of herself. Needless to say......curly haired fanny pack lady inspired me. There is always a way. It doesn't always look the way you think it would or should. It is the unexpected joy of finding YOUR way that makes it exciting and so damn worthwhile.

I believe that we are all co creating our lives. I believe that we basically get more of what we focus on, no matter what. That means if I am focusing on the lack...I only see lack, I get more lack. But..if I focus on gratitude, I only find more to be grateful for...I create more to be grateful for. So my friends, I am going to choose wisely what I am thinking about and how I am feeling today. Now, do I do this all the time, do I do it "perfectly"? No. I am perfectly imperfect and proud of it. I am a work in progress. I am growing daily and learning more and more of who I am and who I want to be. I pray, meditate, write, move, practice intenSati, AND (here's the big one) trust.

So I am on a mission to seek out those who are doing it. I am looking for examples that it can be done. I am going to choose to be that example today. I am finding my way.

What are you looking to see today? What has your focus?

Calling It Like I See It

2010-04-09T18:18:00.000-07:00

OK, I need to come clean. It is about walking the walk right? I talk a good game. I know what to say, most of the time, to sound like I am on top of my stuff. I use the "right" words. I quote the "right" books. I know the "right" slogans. I will go to almost any lengths to make someone else believe that I got it all together. This is something that is a deep deep DEEPLY embedded habit..... or more appropriately termed -defense. God forbid, I let someone else know that I am unsure or shaky or feel like I can't handle it. At the very least, I will be sure that if I know that it is undeniable that I am unsure or shaky or feel like I can't handle it...... if I can't hide behind my strong words and my uneasiness is obvious.......well I will be damn sure that I, way before you get a chance to, announce it, make a quick and witty joke about it, and tell how I am going to fix that right up. I got it covered people!! Help.....what's that??? Support.....me??? Advice...oh, thanks, really, but yeah...I know, of course, yeah..I know what I need to do....I am so doing that, like, now.

Needless to say, this is crap. I have been doing this for way too long. I don't want my girls learning this behavior. The pressure I put on myself to.....be perfect really, is outrageously and horribly a waste of time. It is self centered to the extreme. Really??? C'mon Rebecca! Do you really think that the world, your world will fall apart if you let go a bit???

Well, I think I may have thought this for a whole lot of years. And....to be perfectly honest and up to date, I have come a long way in my journey to personal freedom. I have done large amounts of letting go. I have learned to walk that thin line of being gentle with myself and knowing when to call myself out on my shitsky. Which is what brings me here, to the right now, and why I am calling myself out.

See....I never liked the term perfectionist. Well, I actually admired those people who called themselves this. I thought, "Wow, to be that motivated and willful to even try to be perfect....if only I could." I, myself, felt there was no way I could use that word to describe myself. After all, I hardly did anything "perfect". In fact, I did very little for this very reason. As soon as I got that feeling of, "oh crap, this is too hard for me" or my personal go to excuse, "I AM OVERWHELMED" I would back out completely. Nothing paralyzes me more than the feeling of not measuring up. Might as well just say screw it and complain about it, huh?

This has robbed me of years of creativity, exploration, fun, and self fulfillment.

I have been aware of this for more than a few years now. I thought this awareness was enough. WELL.....it was a start. However, I recently saw it, felt it, rear its ugly head in my life again.

Good stuff is happening today, really good stuff. I am learning that not only have I surrounded myself with extremely inspiring, creative, out of the box kind of people.....I am one of them. This is profound news to me.

I love it.

As the layers of the onion are being peeled off and more of me is being revealed, I am feeling vulnerable and sometimes wishing I could cover up again. Complaining about being covered up with the desire to be peeled is...easier and feels somewhat safer...than being exposed and out in the open with nothing to complain about. So.....I go to my forever back up..."I feel overwhelmed!"

That is where I have been. Feeling like there is just not enough time in the day to take care of myself, to be a mom of three, have a husband, to eat healthy food, exercise, clean, talk to friends, AND be creative.

Well my friends....I am now publicly calling myself out, saying it like it is, getting real........BULL SHIT!!!!!

I am opening up to a new part of myself. Maybe not so new as just buried. It is the part that I am most connected to. The part of me that I am most in love with. The part of me that is light. The part of me that I want my kids to see. The part of me that I want most to share.

With all that said, I need to lean on my people. I may need some help, support, advice..... I jumping in with two feet and I know it will be so much more fun to make the splash with you.

Three Years of Firecrackers

2010-03-25T17:06:00.000-07:00

This Sunday, March 28, we will celebrate our "Family Day". It is the anniversary of the day we arrived back in the good ole U.S.A with our Annie. It has been three years since we brought her home from her birth place of China. The adoption....the whole process.....my little girl....it all continues to just completely blow my mind. Still can't believe this is my life. It was then and is now, soooooo much bigger than me. I have a daughter that grew inside another woman's body, was born on the other side of the world, was not in my arms until the age of 21 months and is no doubt our daughter, Eliza and Lulu's sister...... the middle child. She was our girl from the moment she was born or even before that. I know for many this may sound hard to believe...corny even, but is a simple truth for us. For reasons I may never understand this was the path that was laid out before us. Damn people......I don't even know how to begin to express the gratitude or awe.

I was drawn to adoption since I was a kid. I guess you could call it a calling. I have actually heard other adoptive parents say the same thing. I always just knew it would be a part of my life in some way. The time came sooner than expected. We tell all the kids in our family that Annie didn't grow in my belly but grew in my heart. This is not just a corny or sappy way to make her feel better. It is a fact. I felt it. Something changed in me the moment I had the thought that it was time to move forward in adoption. My heart began to grow. As I began talking about the idea, researching, going to informational meetings, emailing my ass off to anyone that I thought had information for me, convincing family that I was serious, filling out the mounds of paperwork, reading countless blogs of the families that went before us, crying at the bumps in the road and the little victories in reaching new milestones in the process my heart was carrying my new baby girl.

People ask me all the time......"Why international? Why China?" .....My answer....."Because that is where my daughter was." It was not just a belief, it was a knowing. At one point it was suggested to me that we switch countries because of the increased waiting time for China. I was so shaken by the idea. I cried a lot that night. If we did make the switch we would have our baby much sooner, and that was tempting. So I cried. I talked to Andy and I cried. I sobbed really. I think it was then that I became aware of what I already knew. There was no "switch" possible. No matter what it took or how long we had to wait, our little girl was waiting for us and that was just that.

I look at her today and have a hard time really wrapping my head around the fact that she was in China for the first 21 months of her life. I sometimes, not as often as I thought I would or should surprisingly enough, think about her birth parents and family. I actually thought about them a hell of a lot more during our wait. Now that she has been home I have such a hard time going there. If you pray, please keep them in your prayers. I can't begin to imagine what they have felt or what they continue to feel. I want to be able to...........as bizarrely simple and inadequate as it sounds....say thank you. I want so desperately to connect with them. But that is not a possibility. I can only hug her birth mom in my prayers, in my dreams. It has to be enough. And that is the sweetest pain I have ever felt.

Three years ago on March 19, we held Annie for the first time. I am not even going to try to put that into words right now, too much. But I can tell you that within the first hour that we spent with Nola she was HYSTERICAL laughing. I mean crazy from the gut belly laugh. We sat in that small hotel room in Nanchang, China laughing our asses off with our spicy little girl. Our hearts felt like they would burst. I think mine did. It was a birth that I never knew possible but more beautiful then I could have imagined.

The laughter has not stopped. This kid continues to crack us and herself up ALL THE TIME. She was born to be a middle child. In fact, my mom can't believe how much she is like my sister Liz who is also the middle of three girls. Annie challenges me like no other. She also melts me like no other. Just when I have reached my breaking point of frustration because she is driving me nuts I look at her and she smiles. Her nose crinkles and she has a dimple on the one side and a giggle that is contagious. Even when being a total scutch, she is always happy. We could all learn a lot from her.

In the middle of no where. I mean driving, eating, watching tv, walking to school, anywhere....Nola is known to say "Mom?" ( and she does this with everyone in the family)
So we say "Yes Annie?"
With that Annie replies..."I love you."

Gets me every time.

I love this kid. I love her more than I even thought possible. We have blessed beyond words. I am trying to find the words and am stumped. It is still so huge.

Sooooo.................

Annie?

I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sister Giant

2010-03-12T07:40:00.000-08:00

OK, so yeah, I didn't stick to the "writing tomorrow". What can I say? Three kids + one's head up one's ass= A hell of a lot of excuses ( none of which I would accept)! Bottom line.....I am here now:-)

The problem with waiting so much is that I have so much on my mind that I would like to write about now. Sister Giant accomplished what I believe it was supposed to. It stirred things up for me. It made me question things and a desire was born to make some changes. Therefore, I am in the middle of an inner circus. It is loud, a little funny, a little scary, and so exciting it makes you want to run away and join. What is that guy called that announces everything in the circus? The ring leader? Master of ceremonies? Not sure, but I know I need him to start making sense of all of this. If I could just have someone announce what act(or thought, idea) is coming next maybe I could pull my head out of my ass a bit.

Oh man............ not sure I am making any sense to you, but strangely enough , it is kind of clearing up how I am feeling for me.

Anyway......I started getting stirred up right before I left for the conference. I don't believe in coincidences. This was bigger than me. I was being prepared and prepped. I needed to be opened in a new way. I needed to look at things that I have been closed to up until now. I discussed finances with a good friend of mine that is very financially fit. I have a ton of respect for her and asked her to share her experiences since this is an area of my life that I continually get stuck. I have major walls here that need demolition. In our conversation, which I won't get into but can tell you was inspiring, she told me a riddle. Many of you have, I am sure, heard this before. I hadn't. I am going to tell it here. So, read the riddle and then don't scroll down until you have thought about it and come up with you answer. Don't cheat!
OK....A father and son are driving together and are in an accident. The father dies. The son is taken to the hospital and the doctor comes out and says, "Oh my God, that is my son!" Who is the doctor?

Really think...........

..............THINK

I thought about this for a LONG time. I made some guesses. I did not get it right. The doctor is the mother!!!!!! HOLY SHIT!!!!! Now, I have always considered myself to be a pretty independent," I am women hear my roar", kind of lady. However, the idea that the mother was the doctor never even crossed my mind. This really shook me. I even cried a bit. I cried because I now needed to question my beliefs. I cried because I have three daughters. I am grateful that I can begin to now make a shift for myself that my daughters can witness.

Going to Sister Giant just days later I was led, encouraged, to continue the shift and I was supported my hundreds of women making their own personal shifts as well. We talked about the power, we as women, have. A power we don't often discuss let alone tap into. Now....we're not talking a "Girls rule, boys drool" power. No "Girls can do anything boys can do...better." kind of attitude. This wasn't about equality or making as much or more money than men. This had nothing to do with men really. That's kind of the point. They are still cool guys that we love and respect:-) This was about calling up that authentic, fiery, maternal, instinctual, loving power that we, as women, all have. Marinanne talked about how the American Jewish and black communities know their history. Women do not. However, there is a cellular memory that we need to be aware of.

We watched three movies that I HIGHLY recommend. The first is documentary about the witch burnings (not sure of name but I will find out and post asap) The second was about the women's suffrage act called "Iron Jawed Angels". It was an HBO movie with Hillary Swank. It was amazing and a must see for any woman in this country. The third was "Pray the Devil Back to Hell". This was about the women of Liberia standing up for peace in their country. Inspiring beyond words and another must see.

Marianne said she choose to watch movies because women are story tellers. We can relate and feel the story. We need to make the emotional connection. She was right. Watching these films with 500 other women clapping at the same time, cheering and shouting at some points and crying together.....it was an experience I will never forget. I felt a part of something big. The love and gut level desire to do something with that love to make the world better......... was and is indescribable.

Please watch these films. Really, PLEASE. See what is brings up for you. Become aware of what it calls you to do. I have taken so much for granted. I have kept my head (sorry for saying this 2x in one post) but up my ass for too long. I was moved by the women in these stories and by the women I was surrounded with. By their courage, strength and hearts wide open.

I do not want to get too wordy and go on and on. So......I am stopping here. To be continued.....

Times A'Changing Sweetheart

2010-03-08T09:03:00.000-08:00

Well, well, well......what do I want to say???!!! It has been a week since I got home from Sister Giant. It was an experience that rocked my world. I feel changed. I feel different to my core, starting at my core, and basically.......I am not sure what to do with that.

I had expected to write as soon as I walked in the door. I wanted to share with all of you, all that supported me and my journey, and give you all a piece of what I felt I had been given. However, I felt overwhelmed. Now, overwhelmed can be a big cop out of me. It can be an excuse to not move forward and stay stuck in it all. And........that was a big part of it I guess. I was just plain old beat. I was so physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted. My head was spinning and churning and flipping and the idea of getting any of it out in any sort of way that might make sense to any of you....... felt almost impossible. So......I waited. I waited to feel the inspiration and the empowered feeling I had when leaving LA so that I could write from that place. Then you would all "get it". BUT...not happening people. It was bigger than me. All I can do is share from the most authentic place I know and trust that it is enough. I do need to add that I am beginning to see how that inspiration and empowerment are becoming a part of my life, they are starting to filter in to my life. Definition of insanity-Doing the same things over and over and expecting different results. Things need to change.....for me. I am seeing things different, feeling different, and allowing the "different" to filter in. There is an adjustment to be made. So....I am letting go of expectations and enjoying this ride. The "HOW" is just none of my business right now........ Just keepin it real peeps.

So, in the desire to keep it very simple and not jumble any of it up for you all, I am going to start at the beginning. Just giving a brief explanation of what Sister Giant was all about........tomorrow. For today I've said enough. I simply feel grateful.

Happy National Women's Day!!!!!! (cool huh? just heard about it!)

Off to Hollywood!!!

2010-02-24T18:29:00.001-08:00

It is here, the time is here!! I am leaving tomorrow morning for Los Angels to go to Sister Giant. Pretty unreal. It was a regular Monday afternoon when I first read about it. I immediately felt drawn to it all and inspired followed by doubt and fear. I had no money, what would I do with the kids, what about the baby. Then, thanks to so many of you...this amazing community of love I have around me..., I was encouraged to move forward in trust and faith. NOW, I am leaving tomorrow. It all just worked out, effortlessly I must add. All just fell into place beautifully.

You know how when there is a movie that just came out that you really want to see, you won't let anyone talk about it in front of you. You don't want anything given away because you just want to sit back, be enthralled in the movie and enjoy it for all it is. That is how I feel about this weekend. I haven't really been talking about it much, or even thinking about it all that much. (Which may be the reason I have been running around like a lunatic the last couple of days getting ready!)

I will be spending it with my two sisters, my best friend since kindergarten, and my little angel of a baby. I will also be attending a workshop on a topic that I am completely passionate about given by a woman that I respect, admire, and am pretty much in love with. I will be meeting other women, like myself, that are there to be inspired to action. UM.....holy shit!

I am so excited to share it all with you upon my return!

PS All that said, I am going to miss my husband and my big girls a ridiculous amount, so..... for all you close by.......call them, do a drive by , stalk them...however you see fit......whatever is your fancy....just take care of them, show em some love!

My Montage 2/14/10 at OneTrueMedia.com

2010-02-14T10:17:00.001-08:00

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

PLEASE! Turn the volume down a bit before watching this. Oh my God, my voice is a bit unbearable. I apologize. The camera needed to be charged and I was trying to speed it up. I need to remember to keep it down a bit!

The girls got dressed up for their debut!

Happy Love Day! and Happy Chinese New Year!!!!

Congrats to all the winners!!!!

This has been such an inspiring and loving journey so far. I am on my way to LA on the 25th! I know it is going to continue to open up to greatness. I am so grateful for the part you all played. Beyond words really. I am looking forward to sharing it all with you.
Enjoy the prizes!!!!!

Back and Staying Still

2010-02-11T10:37:00.000-08:00

It has been a VERY long time since I last wrote. Maybe it was writer's block ( although there has been no lack in material), maybe it was the "other stuff" in my life that needed my attention, maybe it was fear ( lots of questioning of my "stuff").........whatever the case may be.........I am so happy to be BACK!

First I need to say a big fat loud and glorious THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!! To all of you that have bought raffle tickets in support of my journey, I am forever grateful. I am drawing the names on the 14th. The day of love seems appropriate to announce the lucky winners. I am soooo looking forward to my trip to LA for Sister Giant at the end of the month. It is turning into the trip of a life time. I now have both my sister and my best friend joining me. Don't know quite how to say how I feel about this. A beautiful gift for sure!

My acting classes have rocked my world........ in the best way possible. That feeling of being exactly where you are supposed to be in the moment.... having no doubt that this is soooooo right.....feeling alive, creative, open, challenged as all hell and on total f'n fire! To say I am completely loving every second would be an understatement. Life is taking off and I am ready, willing and able.

Ya know, I have a zillion things that I want to write about right now. I guess that is what happens when you take off for a month. We have been in this house for the last 5 days due to sick kids and snow. Yes, we, or at least I, have kinda had it. We are going a little stir crazy. Although we have has our share of fun. We had a dance party yesterday so that I could stick to my workout commitments and the girls have been putting on shows. Eliza and Annie have gone back and forth with wanting to pull each other's hair out to loving each other to pieces. Sisters.

In the last 5 days I have had many moments of desperation, when I want to run down the street just yearning for some adult conversation or 5 minutes of solitude. The snow, ironically, brought me back to gratitude. First, we couldn't leave the house because of the sickness. We, or I should say I, like to be on the go. I have a difficult time staying still in this house for too long. But then the snow came. We couldn't leave even if we were all healthy. We had to be still. The snow was so quiet, serene and so beautiful. I was humbled. I am "stuck" in my house with my girls. The house we dreamed of, the girls we dreamed of, in a life we dreamed of. I am grateful for the reminder to take some time to be still and connect. I am grateful to the snow today.

Here are some pics of our stillness, bizarre and crazy stillness........

Annie feeds Lulu better than any of us.

Lulu with her lovely nebulizer every four hours...
Annie after getting a makeover from her big sis.....
My hero, Andy, coming home and shoveling for hours after getting up at 4:30 to get to work....love him. He took some time to throw snow balls at us against the windows.

And poor Lulu, the victim of our stir craziness.....

Sister Giant

2010-01-19T17:16:00.000-08:00

******UPDATE******
There is now a chance to win 6 prizes!!!!!!!

This post is in the form of a letter. I am sending this out to the women in my life. However, I know I can reach even more of you through this blog. So here it is.

Dear Friends,

I am writing to ask for your support.

At the end of February spiritual activist and speaker, Marianne Williamson, will be giving a workshop on the role of "......women in this pivotal moment in history. It's a critically important time to transition from disastrous probabilities to fantastic possibilities, and women can lead the way...in eradicating hunger and poverty on the planet today. It is time for us to change the world."

I have felt, for some time now, the desire and calling to step up and do my part. To give back what I have been given. To play my role. I feel moved, inspired, and blessed with the guidance to attend this amazing workshop.

From now to February I am looking to raise funds to get to LA and attend this event. There is a $250 fee that will be donated to the RESULTS (http://www.results.org/) organization.

I believe I am in a position today to make it my purpose to share the knowledge and motivation to Rouse the Sleeping Giant of American Womanhood.

Together we can and we will change the way we live and the way the world operates. I have faith in what can come about when such strong positive energy unites.

We often, as women, feel compelled to help, to give, to share in the world's needs. We, even more often, don't know how. Where do we begin? That is what this workshop is going to be about.

Together we can do what we cannot do alone. The power is within and around us.

After the workshop I open for questions and discussions. I will take the responsibility of sharing what I have learned abundantly and freely. I want to spread the light. I will use this blog to recap all that I have learned and what we can do to Wake Up and Lead the Way to the change we are all so ready for.

To support my mission I am holding a raffle. It will be a $20 ticket. With this ticket you have a chance of winning 1 of 5 prizes.

1- My sister, LIZ, donated a cake, or dessert. This will be a made to order
dessert to feed 25 people for any event.
Check her awesomeness out at www.sugarsweet.org
2- My sister, MARY KATE, has offered her services as well. She will
spend an hour with you, you and your kids, you and your husband,
whoever you would like.....taking beautiful and amazing photographs. You will have
a cd of the pics when it is done to do with them as you wish.
3- I am offering 5 free intenSati classes taught by me!
4- For the people who do not live local.....you have the chance to win
2 books. IntenSati Method Seven Principles to Thinner Peace by Patricia Moreno,
and Patricia's intenSati DVD
as well as
Add More ~Ing to Your Life by Gabrielle Bernstein
5- A 1/2 hour of private coaching by an awesome life coach(my life coach)
Christine Cunningham of the Handel Group
6- A one hour private coaching with my dear friend Connie
www.fitmindforlife.com

I will announce the winners on February 14 on this blog.

If I happen to receive more donations than I need I will donate them to someone else that is wishing to attend and the RESULTS organization.

Gratefully yours,

Rebecca

For more information on the event go to www.marianne.com

OK....so I had a link to paypal here but I violated a user agreement without knowing it...oops! Then went to get a PO box and had a problem since I never changed my address on my wallet. Lessons to be learned, I know!

So if you would like to enter the raffle, just send me an email or leave a comment I will get back to you with my address. Thanks anbecgra@hotmail.com

My "ONE" Thing

2010-01-14T17:46:00.001-08:00

OK!! I have been excited to write about this. I am bursting. I am in the middle of an awesome shift. I can feel it and I LOVE it! This is scary to share but...Hell, that's what makes it so incredibly fabulous!

So....New Year's Day...I was at Patricia's class. She started out the class by making an announcement. She told us, "Good news! This is going to be your best year yet!" With that everyone clapped and started screaming. You have to understand, the room was filled with devout followers of intenSati and Patricia. This is a community of people that are ready to hear this and totally hear it. The energy in the room was insane just from this statement. It is such a gift to be a part of that! Anyway, it just got better from there. The whole theme or focus of the day was "2010 If not now When?" It started with a meditation. We were encouraged to think about our "one" thing. We were to pick one thing that we have been dreaming of. One thing that we have always wanted. One thing that we felt a fire inside that was so big we knew we had to do it. One thing that we were passionate about. One thing that we would do no matter what if we took away the fear of failure.

My first feeling doing this was frustration. My head was spinning. It was the furthest thing from a peaceful meditation for me. I was pissed that I couldn't come up with my "one"thing. I had a lot of things that I wanted. I had many dreams. But the fire, the passion......where was it?! Did I have that anymore? The more I thought about, the more I was putting this ridiculous pressure on myself to think of something. I was going down a path of a self centered funk. I was very close to spending the rest of the class feeling sorry for myself that I didn't have a "one" thing. Thankfully that didn't happen. I am not sure exactly what was said or when it happened but in one moment.. I got honest. I stopped denying myself. The thing is I have always known my "one" thing. Since I was a kid. I even attempted to do this one thing a couple of times but fear, self doubt, a total lack of self confidence.......they became bigger...I allowed them to be bigger.

Since I started practicing intenSati this subject of dreams or passions has come up many times. When taking a class or teaching a class it is a recurring topic, my desires and dreams. I always gravitated to the idea that I would know when I needed to know. That I wasn't ready yet or something. Which can be true. Sometimes it is enough to just have the desire of figuring out what it is you really do desire. This did work for me. The timing is all perfect, I believe that. But, if I get honest now.... I knew. I really always knew. When it came up I would just BLOCK the shit out of it. I don't allow it in. It is too scary. It is too crazy. It is way too unrealistic.

Well on New Year's Day I opened up and allowed it in. I want to act. Yep, I said it. I want to be an actress. I really really want it. Always have. When I finally let it in and tried on the feeling of owning that truth.....I wanted to scream and cry. Well, I pretty much did. The class was insane. I shouted the affirmations like no body's business. I held nothing back. Every time one of my doubts would come up I would BLOCK the shit out of it. "Your too old..BAM...You have three kids...KICK....you don't even know where to begin....SCREW THAT!......." One of the best things I have learned through Patricia and this path I am on in that I don't need to know how I am going to get there, I just need to be clear on where I want to go.

After the class I was like a little kid coming down the stairs on Christmas morning. I couldn't stand still and couldn't stop smiling. I couldn't wait to get in the car with my sister and tell her. I wanted to run down Broadway screaming. I was bursting!! Finally telling the truth. Being honest. Sitting in that and allowing myself to enjoy what comes of that alignment is unfuckingbelievable!

The reaction I got from my sisters and two best friends was the same. When I started to tell them they all finished my sentences for me. I didn't even need to say it. They knew. I haven't spoken of this in years and yet they knew immediately what my one thing was. Unreal. So cool.

So......where do I begin? I wrote a wonderful friend of mine and told her where I was at. She is an actress and she is living it. I love her and am inspired by her and if nothing else I just wanted to share my epiphany. She, gratefully, responded with some concrete advice. One thing was a # of a teacher on Long Island. I emailed right away and there was one spot open for a class started just 5 days later. SO.....this past Sunday I started my first acting class in 7 years. It was AMAZING!!!!

Yep, good stuff! This is just the beginning. So much more to come!!!!!!!

PS I am going to post this weekend with some other really cool news that I am so psyched about.
2010 If not know When?!!

This is going to be my best year yet!!!

This is going to be your best year yet!!!!!!!

What is your one thing?

Here I Am 2010!

2010-01-11T10:00:00.000-08:00

It's been awhile. I took a break. Not to say I really wanted this break, but it was needed. The craziness and chaos the holidays brings was loud and clear in our house. We loved every second of it. The girls totally got the idea of "giving is so much better than receiving". I don't have some strange selfless mature beyond their years kids. They LOVED every second of the getting too. But being witness to all the whispering, hushing, hiding, wrapping, and then the big day of giving the gifts Christmas morning......moments I don't ever want to forget. My favorite this year was Nola's gifts for my parents. She knew exactly what she wanted to get them and they needed to be perfect. For my mom it was a crown that she could wear on her birthday. So we went to Claire's and got a big shiny one with a pink butterfly on it. She was so proud and I think she wore it everyday leading up to Christmas. For my dad it was a handsome outfit. She knew it had to be black no other color would do. This ended up being a shirt from the Gap bc mommy couldn't afford the tux she wanted originally but she picked out the exact one she wanted and there was no denying her firm choice. She is a love that kid!

Now moving onto 2010! The kids all had cold over the break and we spent a lot of time inside. We were going a little stir crazy, at least I was. So on New Years Day I took my opportunity to give a gift to myself. I started the year off by going to Patricia Moreno's intenSati class and book signing. (The intenSati Method Seven Principles to Thinner Peace......go out and get it!!!!)

This was THE perfect medicine for me. It was exactley what I needed. It was AMAZING. It was eye and heart opening and set me off on a path to make this year my best yet!!!!! Not kidding, I am on fire! There is no more holding back. I am soooooo ready to drop the fear, the self doubt, the lack of self confidence, the complaining!! I am done. During that class I had some true athentic moments with myself. Like everyone else on this planet, I am here for a reason. It is time to cut the shit, so to speak.

I am sooo psyched about what is here now and what is in front of me. I am anxious to share it all with you too. I will be writing again within the next two days to tell you more. Big things baby!! Big freakin things!!!!

PS I am starting a new intenSati class tonight at 7pm in Bellmore at Keysi Academy on Bellmore Ave. Come get a great workout and celebrate 2010!

The series for this month:

4,3,2,1 BAM! Here I am!
2010
I'm breaking out
I just know I can
I'm on fire
I'm reaching higher
I am determined
I will commit
I will play full out
Without any doubt
I am ready for success
2010 will be my best yet!

In my desire for peace
I surrender my fear
I have the power
To allow
All that is good
To unfold

The Joy of Christmas Cards

2009-12-17T16:51:00.000-08:00

The Joy Of Christmas Cards

My younger sister is our personal family photographer. Thank God we have her or there may not have been any pictures of my children up until this point. Our past Christmas cards have been pretty spectacular. This year my sister, Mary Kate, had to work.....a lot and was unable to get her little ass out to the burbs to take one of her masterpieces. The nerve!

So, this left me. ME.

I borrowed a camera and this is what we got.

This is enough inspiration to learn how to use a camera!

What can I say, these are my kids. These pictures kind of tell it like it is. And really......I wouldn't have it any other way.

We did get some more conservative shots too........I swear, we really did.

Celebrating SEVEN

2009-12-14T16:19:00.000-08:00

This past Friday night was a big night here. My oldest daughter had a birthday. She turned seven. SEVEN! I still am having a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that she is seven. I have a seven year old! What??? Am I really old enough for that? I mean....... seriously.

Anyway.....she had a birthday party. We had 20 (well it turned into 21 unexpectedly-a whole other story!) kids in this house for a pajama party. It was sort of a pre-slumber party. They are way too young for a sleepover which is her dream party. She has been talking about her birthday party since last December. Every party she went to she would leave saying. "Now THAT is where I want my party!" The American Girl Store was also on her wish list but we would need to take out another mortgage for that one. This whole little kid party thing has gotten a bit out of control.....at least that has been my opinion. They cost crazy amounts of money and they always seem so impersonal to me. You show up to these places that pump out parties nonstop. It runs like a machine. They bounce you from one thing to the next. Its like Hi- activity-activity change- last activity- pizza-sing Happy Birthday- cake- here's your goody bag- see ya! I long for those old fashion home parties we had growing up. Remember playing hot potato and pin the tail on the donkey? I was trying to sell the idea to Eliza for months with no luck until I thought of this slumber party minus the slumber thing. I was able to convince her that this was the next best thing. All the girls would where their pjs, we'd play some games (like hot potato), we'd do a craft, we'd have pizza, and make ice cream sundaes. She was psyched for it and once the invites went out all the little girls in her class were all abuzz. It was the talk of room 12 in Martin Ave. Elementary.Eliza was feeling totally cool and I was totally loving it. This would be so simple and fun and retro and..... awesome.

WELL..................... it was these things. It was also the longest two hours of my life! It was completely and totally crazy, nuts, frantic, loud, out of control, hectic and..... they had a blast! I had one parent show up with a younger sibling in pjs asking if she could stay too. What the hell? At this point what was one more?! I had planned on doing nails and hair, playing those old fashion games, and having it all play out like very very smoothly like all those other parties we go out for except this one would be personal and homey. However, that didn't go over so well. All they wanted to do was dance and jump around and scream and sing. What little girls do. How did I forget that? I have three of my own. How did I forget that this is what we girls are like? The fact that they were in pajamas, it was night time, and they were together was enough to send them over the edge. Add the sweets and close quarters and you have mayhem.

The highlight of the night was when 5 little girls went upstairs to check out Eliza's room and got locked in. LOCKED IN!!!! At first they were all laughing and screaming like little drama queens. It was funny. Then it wasn't so funny anymore. I couldn't open it and they caught on. One little girl, our neighbor who I just adore, says to me, "Um Rebecca?.....We have some criers in here now." I had to call Andy to come home ( he was with the baby at my dad's house). Thank God they only live 5 mins, not even, away. By the time he got it open they were all in hysterics. We had a group hug, they got to be first on line for ice cream sundaes, and all was well in their worlds again. But, me on the other hand, was a bit of a ball on nerves to say the least. Now I can laugh...hard actually, but then I was just stresssssseeeeeddd. Thank God she has friends with cool moms who all just laughed when I told them the story.

It was nuts and all that stuff but it was also a totally rockin pary. Eliza had a blast. I think they all did...... even the prisoners of the Eliza's room. Watching my kid with her all girlfriends. These are beautiful friendships forming. Some she may have for a lifetime. Seeing her in her element. I was so damn proud. She holds herself with class and grace, even at seven. She is a beautiful, fun, charming, kind, ridiculously sweet, loving, and really freakin funny kid. And she is mine. Seven years we have had together. The best seven years of my life. This is a real reason to celebrate. This was a true call for all the screaming, dancing, running, and laughing that went on in this house on this past Friday night.

...........that said............those run of the mill parties out?......the ones you just show up for?....... and leave after two hours without any organizing or cleaning up?............the ones I just need to sit back and watch?......the ones that don't have upstairs rooms with locks!?.........they don't sound so bad............

We'll just need to see where we're at next when she is turning 8. A year may be just enough time of recovery.

Miracles

2009-12-01T18:49:00.001-08:00

I missed my opportunity to post for Thanksgiving. I wanted to share about my gratitude. I've wanted to write about a ton of other things too. My kids driving me nuts, my kids making me proud, my kids being, well, awesome and all the other stuff that is just my life. I've missed writing. However, I have been busy " dealing". Yes, "dealing" is what I am calling it. Moving past denial and onto.........all the other stuff that follows. Maybe some anger, some shock, some venting, some HOLY FREAKIN SHIT, WHAT THE F (this blog was intended for my kids) BUT WHAT THE F JUST HAPPENED TO ME!!!!! I don't want to make a big deal or focus on it or live in the past but.....I am having a really hard time processing it all. It was a big deal. It still is a big deal. I am changed. I am different. I need to find a way to fit into myself now. I need to settle in, take a huge deep breath, and know in my bones that I am better for it all.

In the fear of not wanting to be negative or feel sorry for myself, I denied myself the opportunity to grieve. I was trying to "suck it up". The reaction I got from so many was, " Well, you and the baby are fine now right? That is all that matters." And that is pretty much where most conversations would end. I am not blaming anyone for my own denial. First of all, I would most likely say the same thing to someone else. I, myself, would not want to go through the whole story and all the fear and scary stuff that comes with it. I would probably want to focus on the beautiful and positive outcome......if this had happened to someone else I would probably say the same thing. I get it. It makes sense. And more importantly it is the truth. There was a miracle. I am extremely grateful. That is what matters.

Why then........ am I so sad, angry and scared sometimes?

I will be fine one minute and the next have a flashback to the emergency room or hearing the doctors yelling around me or seeing Andy's face as they took me away or hearing my family cry around me or having my girls come to visit me and be too frightened to come near me because I was so swollen and yellow and OH God, the swelling. I can't begin to describe what that looked like, let alone what it felt like.

The thing is..... if I don't do this now I will be exploding somewhere down the road. I started to become extremely irritable and emotional. Andy and the girls can attest to that. It's gonna come out somewhere right? I don't want to push it off until later. I don't want to wait. Life is way too freakin short for that. The time is now.

Best part is........ the "dealing" part is so not as big or scary as I was making it out to be. It is just about being honest. I am good at that. I can do this.

Even better, I am allowing myself to evolve today. I have so much to learn from it all. I think this opened me up. It is like a huge space has been made in my heart or maybe I just wasn't aware of it before. I am beginning to let go a bit more. It is time to let that light out. The time is now.

Watch out my friends........watch out world......... big things people...... .this dealing thing could be the beginning of another miracle.

I'm pretty psyched.

Lessons from a Dresser Drawer

2009-11-18T09:33:00.000-08:00

While getting ready for the day yesterday morning, I went to open up my second drawer and it got stuck. This isn't something new. It has been happening since I got home from the hospital after having Lulu. As a fabulous surprise, my family made over my bedroom. It was and is awesome since Andy and I have been living in a bedroom that pretty much resembled a college dorm room since we got married. It was always on the list of things to do but always at the bottom of that list. So...coming home to a grown up bedroom was fantastic and much needed. During the renovation my second drawer must have been taken out of the dresser and since then has been getting stuck and causing the top drawer to get stuck as well.

This has been driving me nuts. I need to get in there everyday sometimes multiple times a day. Each time I would try to open it I would feel the level of frustration rise. I started to get really heated about it. It was so freakin annoying. I would say a couple of choice words under my breath, grunt, or give the drawer a smack or stomp my foot. Mature, I know. I think I may have told Andy about it once or twice. Pretty much blaming him for it and begging him to fix it. This has gone on for FOUR months.

During this time I never tried to figure out what was causing it to get stuck. I guess I was too busy. I never looked into it or attempted to fix it. I guess I felt like it was beyond my abilities. I never really admitted to myself or anyone else how much it was bothering me or that I felt incapable to doing anything about it. I guess it was too embarrassing to admit this, it really wasn't that big of a deal. I should really just get over it, right?

Well....yesterday morning I had just had it. I am not sure what put me over the edge. It just happened. Without putting too much thought into it, I pulled the drawer all the way out and put it back in again. And to my disbelief........it works now.

It works beautifully now. It goes in and out smoothly and effortlessly. All it took was acknowledgment and a little action. Why o why did I put up with this for so long? I was getting pissed every morning, starting my day out like that every day, for what? I was waiting for Andy to fix it for me, when I could have taken care of it the whole time. I let this drawer have the power to get to me on a daily basis when I knew the solution the whole time. I was just not ready or willing I should say, to deal, to take the time it needed to just simply deal.

I knew when this happened that it meant more. I could relate to the drawer, as ridiculous as that sounds. Since coming home from the hospital I have been stuck. I have been lopsided and loose. I have known this but I kept busy, really busy. I thought that if I acted and talked like what I was feeling wasn't that big of a deal, that I would start to believe it. I felt powerless. I felt scared to look at it and get honest. I looked for other people to fix it, I blamed other people for my uneasiness and irritability. Could I handle what it meant to try and fix it? Shouldn't I just be grateful for the outcome and get over it?

Not exactly sure what put me over the edge either, maybe it was the drawer or maybe it was having known what it feels like to feel light and free, so that feeling heavy and stuck hurts that much more now. What happened this summer, almost losing my baby and my life, is a big deal. I am ready to admit that and deal. I am a little lost and foggy and scared. But I want to deal. I am ready to acknowledge it and for the action to follow. I know....I have a deep faith.... I trust that there are huge lessons to learn. Where it is all bringing me, well.....it still does scare me. But, God knows what he is doing right? It is time for me to stop running and show up for the journey. It is time to get out of my own way.

I am dealing........ now.

New Names

2009-11-12T08:34:00.000-08:00

I have been reading a couple of blogs for quite some time. I have been doing this without letting it be known. I think in blogger world it is called "lurking". I was a serious lurker of 3 particular blogs, all of which I found randomly while reading adoption blogs during our wait to go to China. One of these blogs sort of changed the way I saw the whole thing. She wrote in a way that I could relate to and respect. I found it funny, touching, inspiring and it was a fresh and different point of view. It is one of the main reasons I decided to start my own.

Anyway, this women recently posted that she uses pen names for her three kiddos. I did feel funny putting my kids names out there in such a broad and somewhat weird way. However, when I started this blog I was on such a mission to just "get it out" that I basically had the thought and moved on. Now, it has come up again. This long time blogger who has been there before me, talked about the fact that the stories she tells on her blog are not only hers. They feel like her stories but they are very much her children's stories too. This brought me back....I remember my mom talking on the phone when I was a kid, telling her friend about something I had said or done. I would get so frustrated thinking "HEEEYYYY, What are you saying?? NNNOOOO MOM! Please?" and need to interrupt her because, "My God women, what are you talking about?! That is soooo not how it happened........ I didn't mean that........ it didn't happen like that......I didn't say it like that.......get it right lady!!" Now I am doing the same thing on a whole new level. Not so fair, Huh???

On top of that, who needs to be googled when they are 15 and have someone read a story their mom wrote when they were 6, 4 , or a baby???!!!! God only knows what they would find. Why put them through this?

So........Together this morning we came up with new "pen names" for the girls. We had fun doing it.The girls came up with some good ones, ones I love too. I am going to go back in my blog and change all the names up to this point.

From now on my oldest little mama will be known as......drum roll please.....Eliza
Next we have our firecracker...........Annie
and last but not least a our newest addition. The adorable and always happy baby of the family will have a name I have always loved and been attached to in some way but never able to use, and a name her sisters gave her proudly and affectionately for this blog..........Lulu.........

There you have it. My three girls Eliza, Annie, and Lulu. Pretty cute huh?

A Conversation That Is Never Over

2009-11-09T17:15:00.000-08:00

Eliza has always been curious....always asking questions.....ones that have been obviously well thought out and pondered for quite some time. She is a thinker. She takes your answers and comes to her own conclusions which she comes back with at a later date. The conversation is never over when it seems to be. I love this about her. She will bring up stuff from 4 years ago that she has a new insight on and she is only 6(very close to 7). Like the time I was in a park with her in the city. We had gone to some children's Chinese festival. It was while we were waiting for Annie to come home. Eliza was 3 years old. She was about to go on a swing when an older girl, who was maybe 7, came over and told Eliza to move while she pushed her way onto the swing. My lioness motherly instincts kicked in....ones I NEVER had until motherhood..... and all I wanted was to take this 7 year old beotch down!!...... but Eliza stopped me. She was so devastated, heart breakingly devastated. I was like the rug had been pulled out from underneath her little, safe, only child, carefree, first born, happy, full of attention world. This little girl showed my daughter a new reality, one she was not ready to see, one that I had managed to somehow shield her from.... some people may not always be nice, sometimes you get your feelings hurt.....plain and simple. AND, there was a lesson I had to learn in all of this too. (I thought this would not happen for at least another 9 to 10 years.) She made it clear that if I stepped in and told this little monster who broke my baby's heart off........I would make it worse. She needed to fight her own battles.

This little girl, the little girl who most likely had her feelings hurt or heart broken by someone bigger than her too, still comes up in conversation here and there. Usually when Eliza is relating it to some sort of situation with bullying, hurt feelings, or surprisingly enough, empathy. My kid is gifted when it comes to empathy. ( I am her mother and that gives me every right in the world to brag about her in every and any way possible.) She can seriously understand that this little girl must be angry herself or hurt in some way. Now, it needs to be said, this does not, in any way take away from Eliza making her feelings clear about what was done to her. I cannot tell you that Eliza is the sweetest or most gentle in talking about this girl. I try to sway her words and guide her way but she will tell you very clearly, sometimes obnoxiously, that this girl was "mean" and she does NOT like her and she never ever wants to see her again. BUT.....she can still feel for the kid. She can still have a slight understanding of the bigger picture. Her ability to see it from someone else's point of view blows me away.

This is a kid who started crying during the sad or just emotional parts of movies when she was just three years old. She still can't watch the scene in HS musical when Gabriella breaks up with Troy. It gets her every time. She is moved and inspired by music and by dance. I love love love that we share this part of ourselves.

Over the last couple of weeks Eliza has been telling me about a little girl in her class that "annoys" her. For someone who is so in touch with her feelings sometimes and so empathetic to others, Eliza can really shut off when you approach her to talk. It, most of the time, needs to be on her terms. With anything really. So, when I would ask her why she is "annoying" or what her has done, I would get an answer like, "I don't know, she just is." I would remind Eliza of the Golden Rule and try my best to trust and let go. Soon after that Eliza told me that she was now sitting at this girl's table in class and "How annoying!" Then I was told on another day, while doing homework, that everyone thinks this little girl is "annoying". I asked who everyone was and was given a list of about 4 little girls names. I immediately had flashbacks of being in school on both ends of that conversation. Knowing what it is like to be the gossiper and the gossipee.....I tried to offer some insight to my daughter. I told her basically girls can really treat each other like total crap sometimes. It can hurt deep. I told her what you give out comes back to you. The true challenge while growing up is staying true to yourself. Not easy, I have drifted from it and had to learn the hard way sometimes. Words can cause a lot of hurt and group mentality can easily suck you in. I told her I believe she is stronger than that. I believe she has a gift to rise above it.

Now.... I know that a lot of what I said went over her head but I don't see the harm in planting the seed now. She pretty much reluctantly listened to my preaching and may have even rolled her eyes at one point or another. She kept assuring me that this "annoying" girl WAS not nice anyway and why was I talking about it so much. I, in turn, pulled out the -I've lived longer and know better- card. I use this when I see her starting to shut down and I know I've got no wise or all knowing response.

While driving up to Massachusetts last weekend the girls asked me to make up a story to tell them during the long car ride. So, seeing this a another opportunity to make my point and drive it all home, I made up a story about a little girl that "annoyed" everyone. I won't tell the story here but I will say ,it was worth a shot and it was pretty cool. Anything to sway my little girl away from being one of "those girls." The girls that follow, that gossip, that are too insecure to stand securely in themselves.

You may think I am totally ridiculous, she is only 6 after all. But.....pardon my french....screw that! I can remember like it was yesterday that hurt girls can cause. It pretty much doesn't stop. I know women today that can be that group of girls talking about how "annoying" another women is. If my daughters can learn now what is means to be a leader and not a follower. If they can begin to understand what it means to have a good self esteem and to respect themselves enough to respect those around them.......I will......well I will just rest easier. Seriously, I wish I could find better words for how it will make me feel or what I it would mean. I just know they will enjoy their journey immensely if this lesson is learned now instead of as an adult. I wish I had.

Today Eliza came to me after school while I was making lunches for tomorrow and she was supposed to be doing her homework. She was quiet and almost hesitant, a little nervous I guess. She said....."Mom?"

"Yes hun, what's up?"

"TodaySara( who by the way was not one of the 4 girls she mentioned before) and I went up to Jen(annoying girl)."

"Yeah?"

"We told her we were sorry for anything we might have done to her to hurt her."

Holding in my urge to scream and fall to my knees in utter awe and a HELL YEAH! I said......

"Oh really? What did Jen say?"

"Oh.......she just said I never did anything to her anyway." With that she shrugged her shoulders and went back to her homework.

She was apologizing for gossiping or whatever......doesn't matter........my girl is a leader. She took a huge step forward today in self confidence, and with compassion. She listened to me. Somewhere in all my frantic lecturing and shoving kindness down her throat, she heard something. She heard what she needed to hear even when her eyes were rolling. That is bigger than me and I am grateful.

And I know this conversation is so not over.....................

Good Stuff

2009-11-02T11:04:00.000-08:00

When my girls are yelling at each other, whining or up at 2 am these are the things I am going to use all my power to remember........

Dancing withLulu, my sweet Lulu, to Christmas music (2 days after Halloween) in my living room while the other two are at school. Her huge ridiculous smile and her talking. While she is on her changing table, her favorite place, we have pretty in depth conversations. And the feel of her chubby chubby body. Insane cuteness!

Walking through the Christmas displays at Target withAnnie while we each pick out our favorite things with no need to buy, just enjoy. When I ordered my latte today at Starbucks, she chimed in, well yelled, to remind me and tell the nice girl that I only get 2 pumps. Her songs to Lulu, she makes up the sweetest, strangest, quirkiest, most beautiful songs. And her bright smiley face as she ran to me when I picked her up at school today with her hair a mess and jacket twisted in bunches.

Eliza and her long lanky body climbing up onto the couch to get as close to me as she can and snuggle. Her giving her baby sister the sweetest kisses every time she passes her. How she spends every second she is outside upside down in a cartwheel. And her demonstration and imitation tonight of the man from the exercise video that she did in school. She did all the different yoga stretches for us while she spoke in a( somewhat creepy) calm voice with a giggle being held in.

With a lack of sleep I can forget these moments too easily. I am choosing to remember tonight.

I just started reading one of Marianne Williamson's books. I don't know why I waited so long to do so. I am falling in love with her. Here is a quote from the book The Gift of Change

When we begin to live the greater life-not "seek" it, so much as simply choose to participate in it- then and only then do we find that it's all around us, all the time.

P.S. Curiosity is getting the best of me. I have been getting such supportive, generous, and much appreciated feedback from different people about this blog. Thank you! I would love to know who else is reading it, I can't help it! I started this for me not thinking anyone would really read it. Now I am learning that people are. Who? I wish I was cool enough to not care. I' m not. I want to know. Talk to me, tell me who you are. Leave a comment, I want to say hi.

A Rockin Moment in Time

2009-10-28T16:44:00.001-07:00

There was an hour this past Sunday morning that will always stand out for me. It was one of those moments when you just know, in the moment, one that doesn't need retrospect to realize it, that you are having a little breakthrough. Breaking through insecurities, doubts, fears, misconceptions, judgements, and just the ho hum that can become the everyday. I knew during this hour that I was right where I was supposed to be. I knew that something special was going on and I knew that other people felt it too. I knew that it was a building block. I knew I will look back in gratitude on this hour as one that pushed me forward and led me closer to myself, the true one.

My regular Sunday morning intenSati class was a fundraiser for breast cancer. We, I say we but it was mostly my ultra supportive and incredibly enthusiastic sister Liz, spread the word that is was happening to the mommy crew up at our kid's school. Now I need to say, this is a crew that has always intimidated me. Just the idea of hanging with moms. I still think I am like 17. These are moms. They talk about how to get stains out, what they made for dinner, and how they never get a night out. Or so I thought. I am finding these women to be some of the most beautiful, funny, and warm people I know. I love the friendships that are slowly being formed and the community that I am now a part of. I have even listened in on some of the topics I put down but am secretly intrigued by and have learned tips on keeping my whites white and making a healthy dinner in a crockpot. Who knew?

So anyway, when most of these moms heard about the fundraiser they said something like, "Oh cool, this is the class you have told me about? I am totally uncoordinated, I will make a fool of myself, the extent of my workout is walking my kid to school, I don't think I will make it!"
I tried to be encouraging and told them, "My mom does it!"( They didn't need to know that I have a really young, healthy and active mom.) But I pretty much reserved myself to the idea that they may, and most likely based on my past experiences(which I should know by now is not the way to go), would not show.

Long story short, they came! I saw them turn the corner and could have cried. Awesome. A big bunch of them too. All with pink on and ready to rock. They came to something new and somewhat intimidating to them and did it with grace.

Along with old friends that bring with them such a feeling of security and love, and my incredible family. Including my aunts, one of which was totally out of her comfort zone and did it to support me and the cause. She rocks.

The energy in the room was contagious. We lit it up!

For me, it was all for my mother in law who lost her life to breast cancer 3 years ago. She was a women full of life and love. She was a forever cheerleader. She could make you feel like a rock star for just doing the simplest things. She had a way of making you feel like you could take on the world. She encouraged everyone she loved to let go and go for it. She was not always able to do that for herself and she was always completely honest about that too. After she was diagnosed she fell in love with the song "Live Like You Are Dying" by Tim Magraw. That is what she wanted for all of us. To take that leap of faith and live the life we love. At least that is what I learned from her.

After this summer and all that I went through, she has been with me. I feel her presence. That kick in the ass to stop feeling sorry for myself and go out and live. The series I wrote for this month was based on my experience and dedicated to my mother in law, Nonna.

I am a warrior
here and now
I am ready
to take it on
Do you know what you want to have?
(I know what I want to have)
Do you know who you want to be?
(I know who I want to be)
Do you know where you want to go?
(I know where I want to go)
Let's GO!
(How bad to you want it?)
I want it, I want it, I really really want it!
Yes!
I'm alive
And it feels good!

I ask
today
for the courage and confidence
To surrender
to my greatness
I believe and I receive

Doing this series with the women that were there, many of whom had never taken a class before, I was scared. I was in fear of being judged, not being good enough, looking like an ass in front of old and new people in my life. This was me. I was speaking my truth. I was vulnerable in a new way.

I let go. I got out of my head. I went for it. I had a freakin blast!

It was a fabulous moment in time, like so many I have had in the past and even more I know are yet to come, that I plan to keep with me..........always.

Having a Moment

2009-10-16T09:13:00.000-07:00

I am feeling hesitant to write today. I am the kind of person who is just not good at small talk or faking it. I try. I really do. But, when I am angry or upset in anyway, it is written all over my face. I know this because I have had strangers on the street tell me to, "Smile..... it can't be that bad." This always annoys me, pretty much, because I was caught...... I was found out....my cover blown.

I wanted to write today and stick to my personal commitment of writing 2x a week but, honestly, I am in a plain ole bad mood. I had a bunch of ideas of what to write about. Eliza going on her first play date by herself, the fun I had making pizza with Annie, Lulu and all her smiles, my upcoming breast cancer fundraiser (Oct.25 9-10am World Gym, Wantagh...had to do it:-), the weather, ANYTHING but, just like my transparent face, it was coming through in everything I wrote.

I am having a moment. I am whining and doing it unapologetically. I am taking my moment and living it up because I don't plan on having it stay. I'm working on moving onward and upward asap. BUT.... while having this "moment" I am getting more honest with myself. There are things in or about my life right now that I am not loving. I am realizing that I have been letting these things boil under the surface for way too long. I have been pretending that I am totally cool with them when in reality I want to run like wind.This is what I do. I run. I go from one activity to the next. Even my down time at night has been spent in front of mindless television. I am losing brain cells and I am exhausted.

I had a bit of a breakdown yesterday. It happened in the bank. It wasn't pretty. I had emotions coming up from my toes. I was either going to cry or hit someone ( preferably the creepy man who kept trying to talk to Nola, who, by the way, in her own way let the man know to back the f off). It just all was brought to the surface due to the information I was being given, by FOUR chase employees, about our lack of funds. Normally this would not be something I would discuss with anyone, let alone on a blog. But, its time to let go and make room for the new. So, yep, money hasn't come easy for us lately. That is where we are at. I don't think it is where we are staying. I believe we are heading towards mucho abundance. However, I need to start embracing where we are at NOW.

ACCEPTANCE. I know this is what I desperately need. It will free me to move on. I need to accept it all, the good, bad and ugly. No more wasting precious energy on hiding from the truth.

So here it is. My, under the surface, crap that I have been resenting. My hopes are that by getting honest with myself about where I am at today, I will lay some solid groundwork for my kick ass, smokin hot, fabulously lavish, ABUNDANT tomorrow. Here it is........

* I think my hair looks like a little boy's do and I want my long hair back!!!!
*I feel like I have no time to do anything
*My house is always a mess and all I can do is maintain the chaos
*I am just NOT good at the house wife gig. I HATE cleaning, cooking, laundry.....
*I am nursing a baby, feel like a cow and my boobs look like something from national geographic
*I can't fit my big toe into my size 4 courds from last year, the ones I wanted to wear inside out because I was so psyched to be a healthy rockin 4
* I am carrying an extra 25 pounds from my ideal weight and it pisses me off
*Funds are tight, very tight, and I am sick of it!
*I am unorganized
*I am not following through on what I want to
*I watch too much TV
*I get jealous, it is such an ugly thing to do
*I am wearing sweats, or comfortable clothes, way too often
*I spend money we don't have on Starbucks, embarrassingly enough, almost daily
*I resent anyone who expects a timely Thank you card and think they should just get over themselves
*I still am feeling the effects of this summer and am trying to pretend I'm not. I have healed physically but emotionally I still feel sore and lost in it and what it means
And most importantly............
*I drive a f'n minivan!

There you have it. Whoah.....I am now at a lose for words........

All I can say is I know I am now one step closer to my best self. I have unloaded and feel a little lighter. I refuse to run from it. I have no room for resentments, under the surface crap.It does nothing for me. In fact it is pretty toxic. I am a firm believer in the law of attraction. Like attracts like, what you focus on is what you get more of. So, by letting this stuff linger and basically just trying to pretend it wasn't there, deny it, or flat out lie about it, I have been totally focusing on it. It takes so much more energy to cover something up. I got side tracked and lost in my own stuff. I have been saying one thing but doing another. I have been giving it way too much energy and I wasn't even aware of it. I feel a little relief now. I can deal. It is all only temporary. I can embrace it and I can change it. That is the coolest part about getting honest about it. I no longer need to complain or whine. I can simply take my energy and focus on the good stuff, accepting what I can't change and changing the rest. This is all temporary. I know what is important and for that I am grateful.

And I am determined to rock the minivan.

What am I waiting for??

2009-10-09T17:25:00.001-07:00

Well, I needed to post tonight in order to keep my commitment of writing 2 times a week. Just made it!

So, one of the benefits of coming really close to losing your life ( had to be blunt) is that you really adopt the attitude of, "What am I waiting for????" There are things I have been talking about as "someday" dreams of mine for a LOOONNNGGG time now. I am sure I will mention many of them in the course of this blog but tonight I want to put the first on my list out there. The more I talk about it, the more real it becomes. The accountability thing really works wonders for me.

I have always wanted to work with young girls dealing with body image and self esteem issues. It is something I feel passionate about. It is an area in which I know I have something to say. I have been talking about this with a few "safe people" for years. After training to become an intenSati leader, I opened up a bit more about it. It is the reason I trained in the first place. I knew this was a practice that had to reach young girls. I know what it has done for me as an adult. Who knows what might have been if I had been introduced to it sooner. The idea that it could save some girls years of feeling like crap about themselves is a great motivator. However, my own insecurities have been getting in the way until recently. I kept waiting for something more to let me know I was ready and qualified. Like I was going to magically find the perfect degree or training. It was the idea that I needed to be shown how to do this. It had to come from someone else's expertise. I had to be shown the right way. But, thank God for my best friend Eileen and my life coach. Both of them basically helped me see that........ I spent my whole life in training for this. I am more than qualified right now. I have lived it. I know it well . Now is the time. What I have to say matters. If I don't do this I would be doing myself and the rest of the world a disservice.

Pretty big huh?!! With my new attitude of "What am I waiting for?" combined with their words of wisdom, I am going for it. I believe in what I have to say and that what I have to offer is worthwhile, important and authentic. So, I have started working on a program or workshop that I can offer to these girls. I hope to bring it to schools, clubs, camps, hospitals, ect. It is now coming together and becoming real. The universe really does support you when you stay true to your own truth. It's a beautiful thing.

While working on this program the last few weeks, it has become clear that I need to be putting myself through this right now as well. With the baby weight hanging around, old feelings and attitudes have resurfaced. Am I going to let this sufficate me? Or am I going to take this as an opportunity to grow even more? How can I use this? I need to look at where I am today. I need to practice what I want to preach, walk the walk. I will talk more about that next time..........

A Rare Few Minutes

2009-10-05T15:59:00.000-07:00

Right now I am trying to take a few minutes to write this whileAnnie circles me waiting to pounce at any moment. She is just waiting for any sign of weakness. The minute I stop typing or even look up she is right there to ask me how to spell something or show me a dance or tell me how Eilza is annoying her. This is taking a crazy amount of self control for her. It is quite impressive actually. She really wants desperately to have my undivided attention. I get it. I really do. But I also know I need to teach my kids that I am totally deserving of a few minutes of mommy time too! So, Annie has opted to now circle. This is not my idea of a peaceful moment but it will have to do.

There is always my Tuesday mornings from 10 to 11. My hour of bliss. For one whole hour I will be on my own with nothing to do. Nothing that has to get done. While Eliza is at school Annie has PT and speech therapy and my mom will be hanging with Lulu. While Annie is working hard I will be in the waiting room...alone. Or at least without any of my kids. There area other parents in and out with kids of their own. I just watch as they run, zip, pull, wipe, squeeze, chase and so one. I smile a smile of understanding and then get back to my time. I need to stay close by for Annie so I can't leave even if I wanted to. I am forced to be still. How unbelievably freakin awesome is that! I will take full advantage of this hour. I will get a grande sugar free soy 2 pump hazelnut latte with cinnamon on top....heaven. I will read maybe or write in my journal. Or maybe I will just dream, just daydream. Even better, I will spend the time manifesting. I will manifest my heart out for the hour with not a minute wasted.

One thing I will be manifesting, along with my fabulous career, home by the lake with a huge yard for the kids and lots of land for Andy to go crazy with, place in the city, Andy's dream job,Oh, I could go on and on............ Anyway, I will also be manifesting more hair. Yep, hair. I chopped mine last week. Like, totally gone. I am feeling a little baldish. I have had short hair before so it is not totally shocking to look at but I am kind of mourning my long locks. I REALLY love having long hair. However, this summer my life was greatly affected, basically saved, by the kindness of total strangers. People I will never know who had given blood. This blows me away. It is such a selfless act. I am filled with gratitude. I wanted and still want to give back. So I started with my hair. Today when I was looking in the mirror with a pained face and playing with my lack of hair,Eliza reminded me how someone needs it more than me right now and it will grow back. The nerve of the little shit, when did she get so smart??!!!

Last thing I need to mention...... I am back!! Teaching intenSati that is. I taught my first class in about 4 months yesterday morning. It felt completely exhilarating. This was what I wanted for so long. To be back sharing this practice and just the immense gratitude I have to be able to use my body in this way again..... it is a beautiful thing.

Well, there goes my couple of minutes. Back to my hovering little ones( all three are now within inches of me)..... there are books to be read, songs to be sung, and hugs and kisses to be had, the good stuff. Having this time was a rare treat....... and I still have my hour of bliss tomorrow to look forward to.

The Girls

2009-10-02T09:59:00.001-07:00

It has been way to long since I last posted. I've really missed writing. I am making a new commitment right now to write at least twice a week for the next 4 weeks. I am writing this now to hold myself to it. I need to be accountable. I can very easily come up with a zillion excuses about why it is too hard to find the time. But if I really want it, the excuses are really just bullshit. I am not working right now and I haven't missed any TV this week Hello!!! There is the time.

I started this blog to basically try it on and see how it felt. I have to say, I like it. It is a release, it is therapeutic, and when I do it I feel like I am moving in the right direction. I know this blog is taking me somewhere. When I write my thoughts are more organized and I get honest with myself. That has to lead me towards my greater potential, no?

Over the last few weeks I have come up with all different things to write about. Usually what was going on at the moment would spark something for me. All of which have passed due to my, new mother of three, unorganized brain. So today I will write about what is always on my mind, my kids.

We have been through a lot these past few months. There has been a lot of change. We are all trying to deal and adjust to our "new" normal. I sometimes find myself grasping for our "old" normal. Not without Lulu, of course....that is a given. I can't imagine life without her. The old routines though, even the ones that I found so boring or annoying, they sound appealing. I miss the comfort of life being boring and annoying. We do have our fair share of that now too. However, it is mixed with the new stuff. The stuff that means my kids were affected by what happened this summer, that they are growing up and fast, and that I am having a harder time dealing with this than I was even aware of.

With that I am, more frequently than I like to admit, finding myself feeling a little down. I feel a bit lost in the shuffle. Like I know what I want and even how to get there but somewhere in the middle I have gotten spun around so many times that I am really dizzy and just need to steady myself. And that is where my girls come in. When I am still enough to catch glimpses of who they are and who they are becoming I begin to stand a little straighter. They amaze and inspire me. I can learn from them.

Eliza is changing. She is a shy kid, always has been. I can relate. I've been there , done that. Last year she struggled with leaving me weather it be for school, a birthday party, dance class, even going to her cousins house. It was heartbreaking to watch especially knowing that she wanted desperately to jump in and be a part of it all but had too much fear in the way. Andy and I have had a difficult time in being confident on how to deal with this. We doubted every approach. In the end, we just loved her and gave her the room to figure some stuff out on her own.

This year, holy crap, she is totally blossoming. Every morning I give her a kiss and watch her walk down the big hallway to her first grade class while she skips and nods her little hellos to her buddies. We went to a birthday party last week. She sized the place up, held on tight to my hand and then within minutes she jumped right in and I even had a hard time getting her out of there. She has asked to take swimming lessons and has plans on being in the Olympics, which we are looking so forward to going to. She is loving learning how to read and diving into her school work. She is shining bright and being witness to the growth is breathtaking. She is teaching me to get my head out of my ass. I don't want to miss this. She is reminding me that courage is feeling the fear and doing it anyway. She is a rock star, my personal rock star.

Then we have our little firecracker Annie. Today, when I dropped her off at school, I learned that it was one of her teacher's last day. I cried. Although this was a little or a lot embarrassing ( I blamed it on the hormones), it was real. This teacher takes care of my kid. She takes good care, extra special care of my kid. My middle kid, the one who is soooooo needing that extra special care. It has been comforting and reassuring to know that Annie was getting this when she left me because quite honestly, I don't always feel like have it to give. Man, do I love her but Holy Shit does she know how to get me nuts. Then I remember. She is four and her world has been turned upside down not once but many times in her four little years. I could choose to feel guilty for getting frustrated with her behavior, but guilt is such a waste of time.

So, I take that moment of standing still. I will stop and hug her and ask her what she wants to do. Then I watch and listen. And all I see and hear is love, pure happy freakin love. She is unreal. With all the stuff she has been through, with all her nutty behavior, with all that has been thrown at her recently, she still is the absolute happiest kid I have ever met. She has a smile that literally stops people in their tracks. She exudes goodness. I learn from her to enjoy the moment. I learn from her to laugh more, to stop the busy work and take the time to laugh. She has a strength that floors me. She gives me strength and lifts me up.

Of course, there is something to learn from Lulu too. She came into this world a warrior. She was coming no matter what and staying no matter what. She has determination and persistence. She has slowed me down, in the best way possible. When it is 3 o'clock in the morning and I drag myself up to nurse her and I just want to sleep, it is just me and her and all the quiet, I thank God for it all. She brings it all together and makes it all make sense. It is all happening the way it is supposed to. We are in this together. We learn from eachother and strengthen eachother. We are blessed.

Seriously?????????

2009-09-12T10:55:00.000-07:00

Getting used to our "new " normal is challenging. There are moments when I feel like a lost kid who just wants someone to come ( mom) and take over, tell me what to do. Seriously???? This can get nuts. It is like I am the first woman to ever have to care for three kids and try to keep them safe AND happy. (I really am THAT self centered) There are those moments when this seems outrageously.....freakin hard! Not gonna lie people.......this is no joke. I am sooooo that person that when asked how everything is going I say " Good, great, fine, we are all healthy and that is all that matters!" Which of course is true and how I really do feel. (I really am THAT pollyannaish) BUT when I am not calling up my personal Pollyanna "glad game" attitude and I get honest, I sometimes ask myself...

Can I manage to raise healthy, confident, and loving human beings without losing my own sense of self????
Is it at all possible to still enjoy my husband during the next 18 years????
Will he ever be able to come home and find me wearing something cute instead of sweats and spit up stained shirts??
Will I ever pee alone?
Will I ever read a whole book again?
Will I ever wake up in the morning on my own?
Will I ever be able to stay up past 10 pm again?
Will I ever not feel torn in a billion directions?
Will I ever be able to get dressed and feel HOT????!!!!!!!
Will I ever be able to go for it? My dreams, passions??? Am I losing that part of me?
Will there ever be enough time for me.......... without guilt????

Yes, I go there. It is easy to do. This mommy stuff is really no joke. It is challenging and scary. I question myself and my abilities. BUT ................

I want this more than anything. It is part ( a HUGE part) of my destiny, what I was and am meant to do. I have been given the privilege and gift of raising the three most beautiful, interesting, creative, funny, energetic, loving, intelligent, intuitive, empathetic, caring, and a blast to be around little girls. They are all such characters, I have been blessed.

So now, getting back to my true self, the one that needs to play the "glad game" and stay in that place, I choose to ask myself....

How can take take care of myself today, mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually, to teach my girls by example?
How can I make time today to connect with my husband?
How can I carry myself, no matter what my clothes look like at the end of the day, with class AND a sense of humor?
How can I just let go, lighten up, and be present in the moment? Just enjoy?!
How can I make time, even if it is 5 min, to read something that uplifts me today?
How can I remember to take a deep breath, say "Thank You", and take the time for hugs, kisses, and snuggles first thing in the morning?
How can I let the rest of the day go so that my nights are restful?
How can I best organize and prioritize myself today? LISTS!!!
How can I call up my inner hotness and rock it today??!!!!!!!!
How can I stay in gratitude, remembering who I am, where I am, and where it all comes from?

Bottom line is..... it may be freakin hard but its the freakin best job in the world for me today. I have been shown many times before and I know myself enough to know that it is all right here. All I need is here today and I KNOW there is more to come. I have a lot more ahead of me. There is room for it all. I am a mom. A mom with passions and dreams. A mom that loves her husband, kids and herself enough to believe that there are no limits. I, we, can have it all, I just know it.

It is Enough

2009-09-04T10:38:00.001-07:00

It is so NOT easy to find the time to write with 3 kids, one being a talkative 6 1/2 year old, one being a very demanding 4 year old and one being a infant. But who said it would be easy?

I have really loved writing for this blog. It feels so cathartic. The response I have gotten from so many people I love and respect has been uplifting, flattering, and scary. I say scary because of that stupid pressure I tend to put on myself. I go right to Oh crap! Now how am I going to keep it up, what if this turns out to really suck and then what?! This harassment is completely self inflicted. I have been dealing and fighting with this for as long as I can remember. It has prevented me from doing the things that I love for most of my life. I have a history of sticking with what is safe, staying under the radar and going as unnoticed as I can. If I can't be the absolute best and do it perfectly then why bother? This was my philosophy. So putting myself out there like this, with that (OMG) possibility of not being the all time best blogger in history, or of not being interesting, witty, smart, funny, or inspiring enough terrifies me. BUT.................I am doing it anyway!!!!!!!!!! This blog is me. That is all I can offer. And I am not only "ok" with that, I find it to be fabulous. I've come a long way baby.

I mentioned intenSati in my story a couple of times and have the links on this page and realized some of my friends and family ( though I don't know who I haven't gotten to about this yet) may not know about it and what it has done for me. I am not going to go into giving a long explanation. I will say it is about learning to live a life you love in a body you love. This spoke to me from the first time I heard about it. This was all I have ever wanted. I was in.

IntenSati is a high energy workout that combines movements with declarations and affirmations. It is extremely powerful to say words like, "I am strong, I believe I will succeed." Especially when you are not used to talking to yourself this way. It has been through this practice and all that came with it that I have started to develop a relationship with my body. I am talking a healthy, loving, open and honest relationship. This started out as just a workout. I wanted to get fit, plain and simple. But it has become so much more to me. I have entered into a new and uncharted territory for me, a journey in loving who I am and who I am becoming.

I knew pretty soon on that I wanted to share this with anyone who needed or wanted it. I went through the leader training last June and started teaching in November. It has been a true gift.

While pregnant I continued to teach up until 3 weeks before Lulu came into this world. It wasn't always easy getting there. I started getting tired and cranky but I made a commitment and was sticking to it. I had no idea I was training for the fight of my life.

I whole heartly believe that intenSati played a huge role in saving my life. I was physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually more fit than I had ever been. I was prepared. I didn't need to think about it. The ground work had been layed. It had become a part of me.

It still is a part of me. I took my first class since the end of June last night. It felt amazing. The best part was I took this class from my sister, Liz, who just went through the training last month and totally rocked it, I must say:-) She inspires me.

This practice is spreading in a beautiful way. It has rocked my world. I continue to be floored by the path it has me on. My faith is growing even though I am developing a confidence and strength to question it.

For today, I am in. I am opening up. I am accepting. I am fighting it sometimes. I am wanting to run like hell sometimes. But, I am so in. I am ready to get honest and know that being me, is more than enough.

My Posse

2009-08-30T12:44:00.000-07:00

It is time to talk about the people in my life. I have been blessed in this department. This I've known for a long time. However, it has been brought to a whole new level. Many friends and extended family shared an absolute outpouring of love and prayers. I am grateful to be surrounded by a community and support system that, basically, rocks. The love and prayers were felt. I can't say that enough.

Then I have my immediate family and close friends. How on earth can I say thank you for what they have done, how they have been and for who they are? They amaze me. I have been thinking, searching, and dreaming about how I can say those simple words, thank you, in a profound way. A way that would truly get across what I wanted them to. A way that would give these guys a glimpse of how loved they made me feel.

I haven't found it yet. So for now I will try, however impossible it may seem, to put into words what I believe to be true of my "people". They are my miracle. It is in their actions and how they love me.

Andy
First, it has to be said that he juggled it all with a grace. He was nonstop between the girls at home, me and the baby. He took incredible care of all of us. He is unbelievable.
I needed help getting from laying to sitting and from sitting to standing and everything in between. I remember one time, of the hundreds, that Andy was doing this for me. I was in the gorgeous hospital gown, that by the way, was pretty much tight on me at this point. I was basically florescent yellow because of my high Billy Rubin. I was seriously bizarre looking. After a struggle, we finally got me to a standing position. I was going to the wheel chair and I started to just go. Andy stopped me and told me to wait. He said nothing, just hugged me. He held me for what felt like a long time. Then he told me I was beautiful. That is my husband. He is the only person who is able to do this for me. I believe him when he says it.

Mom
Like Andy, if my mom wasn't with my girls at home she was with me or in the nicu with the baby. I never needed my mom more or felt her love more.
My mom helped me take a shower in the hospital, the first one I was allowed to take while there. Now you need to understand, even though she is my mother, I am a VERY modest and, I guess, proud person. I would never dream of needing or accepting this help. But there is no one else who I could have done this with. She even shaved my legs because I could not reach them. I will never forget that gesture of love.

Dad
His faith and honesty still floor me and give me strength. He was scared and not afraid to voice it and at the same time he believed all was well and he never waviered from that. He would come to the hospital to just hang with me. In those simple afternoons in my hospital room sometimes with great conversation and sometimes just in the quiet, I would thank God for my dad. I know he is a great man and the fact that I get to have him as a father, I will never take for granted.

Eliza andAnnie
While in the hospital, I looked so different and to them. I looked scary. They came anyway.
They stayed anyway. They loved me anyway. They needed me to be there mom anyway. Needing me to be a their mommy is the best thing they could have ever done for me and what I needed more than anything. It healed me..... and fast.

The baby Lulu
I shared that Lulu and I didn't have an instant bond. We didn't have that opportunity. What we did have was an understanding. It was just understood between us that we needed time. That it would come in time. There was love and it was sure to grow, if we let it.
It has. I can't imagine my life without her. I now look at her with love and gratitude and that is why the tears come today. She is a fierce little lady. She is going to rock this world, watch out!
And I get the privilege of being her mom!

My sisters
Oh crap, I can cry thinking about these two. I pray my girls have what I do with my sisters, with each other. It is more than "special". It is perfect I think and I never use that word. But it is perfect with all our imperfections. They are just there....Always there. They are a constant force in my life
Liz doing my hair to help me look pretty, Cakes bringing me my favorite perfume to help me smell pretty, taking care of my girls, staying with me over night in the hospital, helping me through uncomfortable situations while there, laughing with me at things that would totally offend or shock anyone else, being able to give me the truth, telling me when I looked like shit when everyone else said I looked "so good", being a reminder of what I needed to be grateful for ,and being my voice when I couldn't find it for myself.

Val
All I need to say is what sister in law would be ok with the task of buying the granny panties? I am so lucky to have this one in my life. From the start, she knew better than anyone else in the family what was going on. When you are a nurse, you can't just let it go for family. It follows you. She knew too much. She questioned the doctors and nurses. She became well known because of it. I think they feared her a bit and I love it! She fought for me. I needed her knowledge and strength and quick mouth. She was worried I would be upset or embarrassed that she did this. Seriously??? I have someone on my side for life that loves me and is willing to fight for me, I know how fabulous this is and I love her for it and for who she is.......And she found me some underpants that fit my rather large ass!
(I can't help it, I have to say, they don't fit anymore!)

Kim
The best cousin in the world. Always calling to check in or just showing up with starbucks, nail polish or breath fresheners when I couldn't get up to brush my teeth. Always able to make me smile even when I felt like absolute crap. She is a bundle of light and it is contagious when you are around her.

Eileen
My oldest and dearest friend who lives in San Fran was home for the summer and able to be there for me. She just knows me. She knows when to talk and when to just be with me in the quiet. She knows this more than I do sometimes. She is able to put into words what I am thinking. She is able to use her words to stop me in my tracks and turn me around. She told me it was time for me to allow everyone to love me now. She said even the blood transfusions were from people that I will never meet, showing there love, let it happen and enjoy it. I will never forget that. It changed me.

It is my prayer that in my actions, in what I do, and in who I am and who I am becoming that I will be able to say THANK YOU.

Continued.....

2009-08-27T05:07:00.000-07:00

For the next part of my story I was out. I stayed out for while. My family has told me bits and pieces as to what went on with them during this time. I am not going to try to tell those stories, they are theirs to tell. However, I must say, I feel loved and I am grateful.

The baby was "taken" fast. The nurses tell me I got to the hospital at 2:47 and the baby was born at 2:54. The doctors say they had about five minutes. Only five minutes to save our lives. WHAT???? This is so hard to wrap my head around. I still haven't. I have thought about what those 5 mins could have been. The nurse from the night before telling me to watch for the baby's movement. If I hadn't we would have been home when it happened. I would have taken the time to get my self together, call the doctor, and we live that much further from the hospital. The stomach virus, as much as I HATED it, was our biggest blessing. It was the reason Andy was home. He never takes off for being sick. I would have been by myself or even worse with the girls at a birthday party. All of these things would have been those 5 minutes.

I have a ton to be grateful for. I usually come to gratitude somewhat quickly and with ease. That is why it has really surprised me that with this, something so big, obviously miraculous, and profound, I have struggled with the gratitude. I heard some cheesy song about If tomorrow was your last day. I wanted so bad to relate to the song, to feel something strong, and to just know that I need to change my life and go jump out an airplane or travel the world or join the peace corp. Life is fragile right? I should know this now. So why am I still getting stuck in my own head?

I am slowly creeping out of it. This blog is helping. (Thank you for your amazing support with this) I've decided to give myself time. To allow myself to to go through what I need to without judgement. I have an amazing support system and my faith is strong. This is taking me somewhere, I know it is. I can feel it, and I know it will all happen in its own time. I don't need to rush it. It is the journey that it will be revealed.

So, what happened?
I had a full placental abruption. The placental basically rips away from the uterus. I lost 7 units of blood and needed a lot of transfusions. During all of this I went into DIC. I am not going to attempt to give a clear medical description of what this is, it is too much for me. Basically, my tissues and organs kind of shut down. My blood turned almost watery and was pooling and nothing was getting what it needed.

When I woke up I was hooked up to everything and had the "wonderful"trach(sp) down my throat. Man, did I hate that part! So frustrating to try and talk with that especially when everyone is talking to you and the people you love the most are crying around you.

I remember waking up to my little sister crying. Usually, just seeing her cry would get me going too but I was so drugged and out of it, so it was just....weird. I was in and out. They told me the baby was a girl, I remember that. I was shocked, everyone thought it would be a boy. They asked me what I wanted her name to be. I eventually wrote it down for them. I actually spelt it wrong and they used that spelling anyway. They were so anxious for me to communicate that they just took it. When I finally was with it I was like "Why is her name spelled wrong everywhere?". We had to change it, kind of funny.

I remember Andy, my mom, sisters, my sister in law and my best friend Eileen. They were all talking to me but I was so out of it and falling asleep I don't have many memories of that, thankfully.

I was then moved to the ICU. My memories of this time are very blurred too. I do have them but not all so clear. What I do remember is falling asleep on my poor brother in law when he came to visit me. I said hi and turned my head to look at something and passed out. I woke up and he was still there, gotta love him, a gentle and kind soul. Just him sitting with me was the comfort I needed.

My nurse at that time was a woman named Annette. She was unreal. Really, all my memories of this time are of her. I felt like I was her only patient. As far as I was concerned, what she said was law. She managed to care for me, in a way I never dreamed I'd have to be, and do it with love, compassion, respect, and a sense of humor. I want to go back to the hospital and thank her in person but I am honestly thinking, what if she isn't there. What if I go back and ask for her and they tell me they don't know of any Annette? She will turn out to be one of those mystery angels like on Highway to Heaven or Touched by and Angel or a Lifetime movie. She was that good, and she was beautiful too, which makes me think- angel- even more.

After I was stable enough, I was moved to maternity. I was devastated to leave Annette but I knew that this was a good sign. At least that is what everyone was telling me. When we found out I was being moved, I remember my dad crying. I still not present enough to take this all the way in so I looked at him without any emotion. I was really unaware of it all. Why was everyone crying all the time?

If you told me now, or before this all happened, that I would not be able to see my baby for 2 days after birth, I would be devastated. However, I wasn't. I just did as I was told. Maybe I knew I just couldn't handle it anyway.

When I did finally get to see my little girl I cried. But to be honest I wasn't crying because she was so beautiful, which she was, or because I felt some sort of amazing bond with this little soul, I was crying because it hit me how powerless I was. I started to see myself and the situation for what it was and....well.....I started to feel sorry for myself. Somebody had to help me out of bed ( which felt impossible), I had to be wheeled down to the nicu, someone had to wash my hands for me before I touched her, someone had to hand her to me with all our wires getting tangled, and then I got tired and had to give her back. I felt helpless. She didn't feel like mine right away.

The strangest thing that happened with all this was the weight gain and swelling. I gained about 60 lbs after I had the baby. I was swollen all over, except my face. It was bizarre! Now, anyone who knows me....... How F@*&^% up is that! It felt like a cruel joke. My body was completely crazy. I couldn't walk. I needed help standing up. I couldn't stand on the scale because my legs wouldn't go close enough together. I had to lay on my back because my sides were too big but I needed to be practically sitting up because the pressure on my lungs made it hard to breathe. My feet and legs started getting weird sensations because they were so stretched. I made it through two pregnancies without stretch marks and now, I'm covered.

OK, now for the gratitude!!!! I lost that 60 lbs of fluid in 4 days with the help of medicine. I was even able to start breast feeding when I got home which they didn't think would be possible on this medicine. Another miracle.

My time on the maternity floor was a time of questioning, getting humble(big time), letting go, crying all the time!, listening, breathing, positive affirmations and declarations ( intenSati laying in bed), allowing myself to be loved and cared for, and bonding with my close friends and family. There was no order for this. It was all meshed together and bunched up. It was a crazy time. I have a totally new respect for the medical field. I truly fell in love with some nurses and doctors. They changed my life forever. Not just with their medical knowledge and care but with who they were and the love they showed both me and my little girl. I had complete trust that when she was in the nicu she was taken care of and loved.

Now I am home. I am alive! We are getting stronger everyday. I have three little girls now. We are home, together. We are living simply right now. Life has slowed down a bit. I am settling into what this feels like. I am getting comfortable with my "new normal". (thank you Eileen)

I will write about my incredible family and friends next time. They blow me away.

My Story

2009-08-24T11:22:00.000-07:00

I think I have always been someone who shys away from attention. I always thought it would be nice to have it but when it came near me I hid under the covers as fast as I could get them up and over me. However, I do need to admit, I have been known to be a fan of drama. I am proud to say that it has been years since I went out seeking drama. I have learned to attract more peace in my life even in the midst of chaos. That is why telling this story has given me such conflict ions. I don't know how to tell is lightly. No matter how I try to get it out, it sounds dramatic. There is just no way around it. This is the reason I want to write it all out. I want to tell it, and all it's ups, downs, and drama filled inbetweens, once and for all. Without worrying about how it sounds.

When I got pregnant with my third, it was such a solid choice. I had gone from believing I was DONE to really wanting a baby. My husband and I talked a lot about this and gave it time. The desire just got stronger. I knew I was going to have a baby. I found out I was pregnant in December. I was due Aug 17. It was a pretty normal pregnancy. No signs that it would end the way it did. Infact, I took excellent care of myself. When I was pregnant with my first I ate anything and everything and working out for me was going for a walk around the block. This time I was aware of everything I put in my body and I continued teaching and attending my intenSati classes at least 3 times a week. I was doing this to stay healthy for me and my baby and, honestly, to stay a normal weight. I had no idea what I was training for.

The end of the pregnancy was a rough one. I was getting contractions often and the doctors told me to stop working out until I reached 35 weeks. Then I got a stomach virus. Both my husband and I were SO sick. On July 13, a Monday night, my mother kept my girls with her because we were both so so sick with the virus. My husband, Andy, was really worried about me that night. He was taking care of me and called my doctor even when I told him I didn't want to. I can't say I was scared, just sick. I became a little dehydrated and we ended up going to the hospital so I could get fluids. Before we left the for the house that night I asked Andy, God knows what he is doing right?

They checked me, gave me fluids, a shot of turbutilen and sent me home. Before we left an angel of a nurse gave me a list of things to look out for like my water breaking (obviously!). Then she told me to watch and make sure the baby was moving. I got so annoyed. I hated that. It made me nervous. This baby was moving all the time, I never worried, and I didn't want to start now. This nurse played a huge role in saving mine and my daughter's lives. If it wasn't for her I would not have called my doctor the next afternoon.

While we were home resting I began to realize the baby was quiet. When I called the doctor she sent me to the office to get a sonogram just to "make myself feel better". She was not worried and either was I. Before we left the house and closed the door, I said to Andy God knows what he is doing right?

While getting the scan, the baby's heartbeat was fine but she wasn't moving a ton so the doctor was called in. He decided to put me on the stress test to monitor my contractions.
I knew the stress test takes awhile so I asked to go to the bathroom first. As I got up it felt like my water broke. I started crying because I just wanted this baby to hold out until I could really be present. The thought of pushing with a stomach virus was too much. The nurse asked me why I thought my water broke and I thought she was nuts. Hello, isn't it obvious??!!It turns out it was not water, it was blood. The doctor came back in and immediately instructed my husband to get me to the hospital fast and that an ambulance would take too long. This sounds scary to me now but then I just went into focus mode. Andy and I both did. I won't say I wasn't scared, I was. I really was. But I had this amazingly strong faith kick in.

We didn't really speak the whole way there. We had no idea what was going on, thank God. The only thing that we kept saying was, God knows what he is doing right?. Oh, and I remember Andy telling me I was a warrior while I was in the middle of praying and asking his mom and my grandmother for the strength I wasn't sure I had.

Andy ran in to get someone in the emergency room. Two women came out walking fast but not running. When I got out of the car and the blood gushed and I saw their faces, I felt the fear. This was so not normal. I was still thinking I was going to have to push this baby out. I knew it wasn't good but I didn't realize what was about to happen.

It is so weird what happens to you when there is a crisis. Andy actually went to park the car and then proceeded to clean up what he could off the ground before he came in. He still can't believe he did this.

It then became a scene from ER or Greys Anatomy and I was the one on the bed. It was bizarre. My memories are blurred. I'm not sure if that is because of the amount of blood I was losing or because I was shutting down out of fear. All I remember was doctors and nurses yelling and me being whisked up to labor and delivery. They were waiting for me. It was a mad scene, from where I stood, or layed. I have some very specific memories. Being completely stripped of my clothes, nurses running all around( a lot of them), the doctor yelling orders, and one nurse, Pat, talking in my ear telling me they were going to take care of me and my baby, the doctor asking questions....... I knew it was confusing. I was telling them I was there last night, that I just left the doctors, that my last sonogram was a few minutes ago. None of it added up and really none of them have to do with the end result.

The two main things I remember was being told by the powerful doctor that they were taking care of me and my baby. This doctor was a force. He was big ,loud, and demanding and I trusted him. I believed him. He was in control and he took some of my fear away. I am beyond grateful for this man.

The other memory that will be with me forever was when I heard them tell Andy he couldn't come in the room and we needed to say good bye. We had just recently had a conversation about how much we were looking forward to this birth. We were both in such a better place now as individuals and as a couple. This birth was going to be a beautiful experience for us to have together. Leaving him was scarier and sadder then anything I had ever done.

I was whisked off into the OR. Leaving Andy in a bloody room by himself. I can't imagine what he felt at that moment. When we got into the room, I saw another one my doctors I knew well, again I was comforted. The same nurse, Pat, stayed with me until I was out. She rubbed my head, kissed my head, and assured me we were going to be ok. I believed her.

The last thing I remember was wanting to just go out fast. I didn't want to be awake anymore. I wanted to be out and taken care of. I, of course, had caught on that this was serious but honestly, I did not have time to think about what could happen. There were not any scenarios playing out in my head. I was terrified but not sure of what. I was confused as hell. Just get my baby out fast and safe PLEASE!!

The doctors later told us that they were amazed at how awake and aware I was after losing so much blood. I was starting to drift though in the OR because all I thought about was that women from the Real Housewives of New Jersey when she was getting her" boobies" done and I just wanted to go out as fast as her. Bizarre right?! It was fast. I was OUT.

.........This is a long friggin story. I did not think it was going to take this long to write. I am going to stop here and write more later.

Here it goes.......

2009-08-23T09:21:00.000-07:00

Ok....Here it goes.....
This is my first post on this blog. I have been following a few since I adopted my daughter over 2 years ago. I really never thought I would be writing one myself but I've been inspired. It's time to start recording all the stuff that goes on around here. All too often I am blown away by something my kids say or do and I think," I should really write that down." but I don't and the memory drifts or fades. I want my girls to know how cool I really think they are. I want them to know how truly loved they have been since the beginning. I want them to feel and see it from where I stand. From the person that loves them the most.
The second reason I felt moved to write was, basically, because I have a lot to say. What I have to say may not mean much to everyone else out there but what I need to say is close to my heart and means a lot to me and my family. That is who this is for. Now, I need to first say, the reason I did not do this sooner was because I felt weird about it. It seemed a little self centered and indulgent and strange to share it all with this out there computer world. Who knows who would read it??!! What would people think?? Than the real question.......who cares??!! It doesn't matter any more. I still have my reservations but I feel compelled to move forward with this anyway.
My life was turned upside down and back again on this past July 14. I am filled with gratitude, fear, love, anger, joy, and sadness. I feel down and paralyzed one minute and inspired into action the next. I NEED to move forward. I NEED to use what happened to propel myself into greatness. This I know. The key is moving on and not getting stuck in the story. I know that when I am feeling overwhelmed with emotion, writing helps me focus at least long enough to finish my thought. It helps me let go.
SO........that is how I got here to the blog. I feel the desire to tell my story. I want to get it all out. I am excited to see what is next for me and put down this heavy load so that I can go on lightly.
I need to end this now so that I can go feed my baby. I will tell the story of how she entered this world in my next post. As my oldest daughter put it, "She wasn't born, she was taken."